Saturday, December 8, 2012

How Is This So

The more I think about it, the more I'm in awe of how awkward I am with people.
It's like they are fragile beautiful million dollar pieces of art work that I'm holding in my hand and I just don't know what to do with them.
That probably doesn't make much sense, but honestly, sometimes I just don't know what to say when I'm with people.
I think the problem is always when I think too much because then I worry about how to respond or what to respond and my responses always turn out lame and shaky.
I don't know what it is with me.
I've had close friendships where when we were actually just by ourselves, it ended up being awkward and stiff. And I know it's because of me and my lack of words.
I always have the right words going on in my brain, they just don't always know how to surface.
So, I don't know how this is so.
How I can talk with one person and never feel awkward. Never feel like I have a lack of words. I talk when I have something to say, and if I don't, the silences aren't awkward. They are just right.
I don't get it.
I don't know why it's different with you.
But it's beautiful and I don't ever want to mess this up.
You are the only one I think who truely gets me, and is okay with me being me.
You are my closest friend.
I don't want that to change.
Because I'm me when I'm with you.
I'm not overly conscience about what I'm going to say.
I don't feel awkward or stiff or like I have to impress you.
I can be completely crazy, completely quiet, completely sad, completely happy, and you're okay with that.
You're okay with me.
I don't want that to change.

This song. Gets me. Everytime. So Beautiful.

^I thought this was incredily cute.

Well, to sum things up, sometimes when I'm with people, they make me not like me. They make me want to change who I am, to be someone prettier, better, etc. I know this is stupid and irrational, and I shouldn't feel this way, but really sometimes people make me feel that way. That's the thing about you. You make me actually like who I am. And again, I don't know why that is. But thank-you. Thank you because I like liking myself. I don't think you will read this. I don't think you know where to find this. And even if you did, you probably wouldn't know its about you. Or at least you wouldn't ask if this was about you. But thats okay, because I wrote this mainly for me. Which may seem weird. But I needed to write it. I just really appreciate our friendship and I appreciate being able to be me around you. So, thanks. And maybe I'll show you this post some day. So, it won't just be for me.
So when you are having a bad day, maybe I could help brighten it a bit by showing how grateful I am to have a friend like you.


  1. those kinds of friendships are magical.. i think there are only a handful or maybe less, of friends who you can act entirely yourself around... i can relate your feelings on feeling like you need to change or act differently- you have the words but they never come out right. just be yourself, if people don't like it well then you know who you friends are :) PS that song gets me EVERY time too in love with it! have a happy weekend my friend, xo

  2. I TOTALLY identify. Just in the past few weeks I've been coming to terms with my lack of words when speaking. I feel so trapped sometimes cause I don't always have the ability to say the exact words I am thinking and it is so frustrating.

    And yes, I've found solace in those few gems of friends who can always draw out my words. It's so special to have those people.

    Hope you have a great weekend Soph!

  3. exactly. this is how i am to a "t". and it's funny because my family says i'm very talkative, i always have been... but you put me out there and i'll most likely look like the quietest person that ever lived. i'm not very good at making new friends or meeting new people...and i'm an army brat, which makes it ten times worse :)

    and you just wrote the most beautiful "pep-talk-to-self" i have ever seen :)

  4. i love this, i've struggled with never having the right words to say my whole life.
    i mean, when i'm cleaning the kitchen or supposed to be sleeping i hold the most wonderful conversations in my head. but when i'm actually around people and its time to talk, my brain goes dead.
    and i hate that feeling you get when you feel like no one gets you, and you start to blame yourself.
    honestly though, i'm learning to be okieday with me being quiet. i'm learning not be so upset when i feel like no one gets me, because then i just end up unhappy and i hate ending up like that.
    thank you for writing this and posting it! so many of your words seem to be my exact thoughts to myself. i'm glad you write them out. <3

  5. Yup, been there done that too! I think of all these things I want to talk/tell my friend and then when I see them next...Poof!
    It's good to know your'e not the only one eh? =D
    I too have a friend that I just feel comfortable with, she's awesome!
    You picked reaaaaly good pictures again, love the Snowy one especially, "Slugbug yellow!" *reaches through computer and tags you on the arm* "No tagbacks!"
    *Grins* =D
    *takes another look at the snowflake picture* SO cool! I don't think if I were creating the universe I would have though to make snow so pretty with a structure like that and all. =)