Sunday, September 25, 2016

Let's Pretend It's Fall

This weekend was a pretty Fall-ish weekend minus the not so cold weather; but hey, it's Florida.
So, for Florida, it was a good Fall weekend.
Yesterday, after having some family friends over, our family took a trip to Starbucks where I got (I bet you'll never guess) a pumpkin spice latte (enter surprise face here).
Then, we went to Walmart and picked up several items and frolicked around in the Fall themed and decorations aisle.
Afterwards, we came home and my friend came over and we played a card game while eating warm, dutch apple pie and joking around.
I was also wearing my hiking boots because I had to.
I just had to.
Then we all went to a friend's football game which is always a Fall thing to do.
I have good memories associated with football and Fall.
Now, while it wasn't quite cold, it was cool.
It was a nice evening filled with a few breezes and a fun time.

Today started off with church and then a huge dinner/lunch time and then a nap.
I guess those weren't quite Fall-like activities but they were fun nonetheless.
Then I went to downtown St.Pete with my parents where we dropped my little sister off to Nutcracker rehearsal while we strolled on down to Starbucks to get $3 grande Fall themed lattes and as we did so, we recalled memories of past Falls and planned other fun Fall themed activities.
We also stopped at a local market up there and got some new things to try and I got macarons which I oddly love.
It was a pleasant walk and when we walked in the shade, it felt like it could pass as Fall.
Now, I'm in my room and playing the Harry Potter soundtrack and I lit my pumpkin scented candle and enjoying this moment because these are moments that make me happy.

Today was a good day and this weekend was a good weekend and although Florida doesn't have much of a Fall, I think it all has to do with what you make of it.
It may not have changing leaves and crisp weather, but it still has pumpkins and Fall decorations and football and seasonal coffees and nice walks and memories.

So, let's pretend it's Fall.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Spencer Reid Appreciation Post

There's a fictional character.
His name is Spencer Reid.
And he deserves an appreciation post.

because of his hair.

Well, hair and eyes.
But we're not stopping there.
That's just looks.

 There's also the fact that he works at the FBI and he's insanely smart.
He's basically a walking encyclopedia.
He knows everything.
He's just that awesome.

He has a rather LARGE heart.
He's compassionate and loving.
But he doesn't just base love on looks either.
Even though I don't have pictures for it, I just also want to point out that he's super good with kids.
He also took a bullet for a random stranger once.
Because he's just that nice.

You've got to love a guy who reads.
You just gotta.

He's got a rough past, but it doesn't harden him.
If anything, it makes him more relatable.
And endearing.
He is a bit emotional and sensitive, but not overly.
Just the right amount which makes him understanding.

He's also super cute in sunglasses.
Other fun facts that add to his awesomeness:

He loves coffee.
He values his friendships deeply.
He always wears cute ties that are also always crooked.
There's more, I am sure, but I think that's a good list for now.

Let's also point out that the actor, himself, is quite awesome.
Let's give it up for the one and only; Matthew Gray Gubler.

 Maybe one day I'll find a Spencer Reid.
Maybe not.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

We are the ants but ants can carry more than you know

One time I used to be descriptive but then the summer breeze ate up my imagination and my weary bones made me want to use my brain less.

But my pinecone head is growing into a pine tree now instead and life is blooming even though spring is long gone.

Just show me a handful of dust and I'll build you a sandcastle out of it.

Because we are the dreamers, the word shakers, the paintbrushes making art with the colors our eyes soak in and our minds tell us about through the pictures of day to day life.

Let us speak.
Hear us roar.
And stand with me.

No sitting anymore.
No more blank stares.

Get up and stand with me and we can climb those snow covered mountains.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

I hope you live a life you're proud of...

You know what's great about life?
It's never too late to make changes to it.
You're never past the point of too far gone.
If you find yourself living a life you do not like; don't keep living it that way.
You can make a change.
And even if the change is different and scary to you; just remember that if you don't like your change, you can always change again.

Life is a learning process.

It's meant to be changed and changed and changed again.

I don't think we'll ever know how we're supposed to live it right off the bat.
And how we live it at 8 years old is going to be different from how we're supposed to live it at 16 years old and different from how we're supposed to live it at 22 years old.

But don't get stuck.

Don't ever get stuck in the mentality of thinking the life you are living has to stay the way it is even if you hate it.

Even if you're miserable and think there is no other way.

There's always another way.

In the book "The Outsiders", there are many characters and there is a lot going on and a lot of it sad. But the one character that made me sad the most is always the character Dallas Winston.

If you haven't read this book, I really hope you will sometime.
If you have, well, you know who I'm talking about then.
Anyways, this boy breaks my heart the most because he doesn't care about his life.
He thinks he doesn't really have one and therefore, does whatever he wants.
He thinks he can't be hurt if he doesn't care.
But, the thing is, he does care about this other kid in the book.
And that kid *spoiler alert* ends up dying.
When that kid dies, Dallas goes a bit crazy and starts up trouble and basically gets himself killed.
The book sort of suggests that he knew he was going to get killed and that's kind of what he wanted.

That's what breaks my heart.
I think Dallas Winston didn't believe that he could change.
He didn't believe his life could change.
He was stuck in this rut and his life was meaningless to him.
In the end, he didn't care about living because he didn't think it was worth living.

He caused trouble with the cops and got arrested a lot because he didn't care.

I think everybody else in the book cared.
I think they realized they could change the way they lived their lives if they needed or wanted to.
Some of them didn't think they needed to and were very mistaken by thinking that.
But Dallas, I think he didn't think he could.

Of course, none of this is written in the book and these are just my thoughts so I don't know if it's necessarily true.
But I write this because I think it's important to realize that your life can change and you can change.
If you don't like the path you're on, you can walk a different path.

It's never too late to choose the right one as long as you are living.

Dallas wasted his life.
That's what is so sad to me.
But, you don't have to waste it.
You can live more and you can be more.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Do you hear the violins? They are weeping and you are sleeping.

The taste of charcoal fell upon my tongue whenever the rain drops fell down upon the rooftops. “Why is the light always grey?”, I asked. No one ever answers me. Maybe because grey was what everyone felt when the cold rust sets deep into our bones. “I’ll look away”, I said. “I’ll look away.” That’s the only thing you’re good at anyways my brain told me bitterly. Then, the light turned white like the teeth of my childhood smiles and for once, I looked up. And I thought out loud;
"Maybe I should do this more often."

It's easier to understand things when you let your heart be broken instead of fighting against what is already happening.

Don't you know?
I didn't.
But I do know.
You should too.
I hope you will know soon.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

There's art in my soul...hey, what's in yours?

There is art in my soul,
and it comes to life when my fingers tap,
like tree sap.

Art pours,
it paints,
it dances,
it sings,
it breathes,
it exists,

Let what you see be soaked up in your memories,
let it change your vision,
let it change your perspective,
let it change who you are,
let it shape the way you live.
There is always time to make revisions.

Don't try to ignore the art that like dust attacks,
even if it simply lies still such as clothes upon a rack,
there is more beauty to it than what it is,
beauty in the snap, the crackle, the pop, and the lasting fizz

Monday, September 5, 2016

That is me

I don't need my life to be sweet...
I just need my life to be me.

One time I felt sad about my best friend leaving,
but I see leaves fall everyday and new ones grow and take their place.

Maybe it doesn't make it less sad,
but watching it makes me feel okay.

There are so many sights to see,
and it rained today so that felt like me.

Though it's hard to know,
which roads we'll go,
I've seen enough surprises to realize that time changes and grows and weeps and flows
and arms hug and hold
and hearts soaking in sadness can often grow cold
but I've been told
that there is always a hope
so one day when I am gray and old,
I know my soul will always stay gold.

I don't need my life to be sweet,
I just need it to be me.

You might not understand,
You might not agree,
But even so,
take a seat,
make yourself at home,
and I'll pour you a cup of tea.
Because that,
that is me.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Heartbreaks and aches and mistakes

One time I was 16 and had foolish dreams and got whisked away by a troubled boy that nobody really "got" but I thought I could see some good in him and I also thought he saw me.

One day that 16 year old found out that everyone around her was right and his flattery was just flattery and maybe he was troubled because at the time, he wanted to be. But he tore me down and I was left with a wounded pride and a cracked heart.

One time I was 17 and more guarded, I didn't want to be tossed aside like I had been before and I didn't want to make a wrong choice. I fell for one of my guy best friends, a guy who didn't really fit in with our group before and was a "nerd" so to speak. But I got to know him and I liked him and he was brilliant and he was funny and this time, I was sure I was in love.

But that guy went off to college, he was only a year older than me, and I thought we could still make whatever we were work. But over a few days (though I was blind to the gradual change), he changed and he realized he was having doubts regarding the Bible and he wasn't as sure as I was that God was real and then he stopped talking to me. I was left confused, hurt for him and for me, and with a bleeding heart.

After that, I've been guarded and changed.
My standards have been a little higher.
I want more than just attention.
I still want to help the troubled but you can only love the troubled at a distance.
They don't know how to love you like they should.
I have learned that change can happen to a person and you can't be blinded by "love" when a person starts to change for the bad.
You need to cut it off when it's unhealthy.
But above all this, I've learned that I want not just a Christian.
I want a guy who is a Christian leader, a guy who puts God above all else, a guy who will bring me closer to God.

In my young age, I didn't seek a strong, God-fearing Christian.
The first one, was a Christian by title but not in action.
The second one was a little trickier because I was fooled by him, I didn't see that he was standing on rocky faith until college brought it out in him.
But now, I know where I am at and I know what my standards are.

I have had "crushes" since then and I've had pursuers, but I haven't been in any relationships.

I don't think that's a bad thing.

The mindset of a lot of people today is that if you're single, you should date around.
You should seek.
You should find.

They cringe at the word; "wait".
I've learned not to fear that word anymore.
Waiting isn't bad.

Sometimes I get anxious, like I'm sure all single people get once in awhile.
Because I do desire true love and marriage and a husband.

But I've learned to be okay to say no or to withhold myself from any relationship I think isn't for me.

I've learned to be earnest in prayer over relationships and to be more cautious.
I do think sometimes we do go through bad relationships to learn from them. But I also think if you let God teach you, you can learn some lessons without being in a bad relationship first and getting your heart broken.

Just my thoughts.
So, yes, I'm 22 and haven't been a relationship since I was 17.
And you know what?
I'm okay with that.

I'm 22 and still learning and still waiting.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

something I don't really talk about/ but i'm talking about it now

So, I'm not really sure if I've talked about it here on my blog but I have epilepsy.
I usually don't talk about it because I don't necessarily want to draw attention to myself or make people feel sorry for me, so please know that is not my intention right now as well.
However, I did watch a movie last night about a guy who had a stroke and his road to recovery was rough and he had seizures after the stroke too.
Now, I'm not comparing my seizures to having a stroke because that is a completely different disease and different ball park.
But it did kinda make me realize that not a lot of people really get stuff like that.
I mean it's hard too, granted, it is.

But, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be aware of how it is or try to understand.

I guess that's why I'm writing this.
I know because people don't understand, they sometimes make jokes about things like that.
Or perhaps they don't think it's a big deal.
And, granted, in the grand scheme of things, having a few seizures in my life isn't a big deal.
They're not fun to have and they're really scary but when they are controlled by medicine my life is pretty normal.

People wouldn't really know unless I told them.

That's why people make jokes about it in front of me,
because they wouldn't know.

But that's part of the problem; just because you don't think a person has epilepsy it doesn't mean you have the right to make jokes about it. Because you don't know how it feels or affects people. Just because you know what it looks like on the outside, you don't know the half of it.

I've had people say things like "well, just imitate having a seizure and maybe you won't have to attend" or even a professor scroll up and down on the screen of computer and projected for all class to say and say "anyone here prone to seizures?" as a joke. These people don't say that because they are heartless. They say it because they are unaware.

So, I'm going to talk about my personal experience a bit.

It started, for me, when I was 16 years old.
It was in the early morning and I was asleep until I was awoken by my muscles vibrating/shaking and I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't see anything and I tried to call for help but my mouth started making guttural noises instead and I felt like I was falling and then my brain shut off. From that point on, I didn't know quite what was happening. I had no control over what was going and my brain wasn't functioning like it should have been. At first, all I could do was hear and then I was able to see. There were strange men looking at me and asking me questions and the questions didn't make sense to me at the time so my answer was a mumbled "I don't know". What's weird about after having a seizure and coming out of it, shortly afterwards, you will have missing memories. It's like black holes. Somethings happened because you went from point a to point b but you don't know what and the only way you will find out what it was is if you have other people there who can tell you. But you don't remember. So, I don't recall much after that except I was rolled into an ambulance. I didn't really know what happened or why I was going on the ambulance and I didn't notice the iv tube in my arm at first either. I remember the ambulance being bright and white and the person on the ambulance was telling my Mom and I that it was most likely that I had a seizure and to not worry too much because it's actually normal for kids to have a seizure once in their life and then never have it again. That's what the doctor at the hospital ended up saying too. So, I was sent home with bruise and bump on my head (because I did fall out of my bed and hit the end of my desk) and a messed up tongue because during seizures you are prone to bite and chew on your tongue.

My story doesn't end there though because two nights later, I had another one.
After that, I was taken to a neurologist where I was put on medication and told I wouldn't be able to drive until I was two years seizure free and I was not allowed to ride rollercoasters.

The good news was that the medication controlled my seizures... or at least it did for awhile.
The medication worked for awhile until a few years later, I randomly had one again.
They increased my dosage of medicine.
A week later, I had another one.
Then they tried putting me on a new medication to take in addition to the one I was already taking and after a couple of increases, I stopped having seizures again.
It's been over two years since I've had a full on seizure and I am thankful for that.

But, the thing was, I never knew if the medication would work.
Or at which increase it would work.
And my seizures being interspersed throughout a week or two made some terrible nights waiting to see if it would work and being horrified when it didn't.

For me, it's not the pain the next day of sore muscles and a chewed up tongue.
It's the losing my senses, losing my memory, and losing myself and not being able to do anything about it.
The seizure wakes me up before it starts and so I know it's going to happen but there is nothing you can do to stop it at that point.
You can't.

There were many nights where I couldn't fall asleep because I was afraid of having one (my seizures only come in the nighttime).
But the thing is the doctors say that not getting a good amount of sleep or being under stress can help cause seizures.
Ironic, isn't it?
I can't fall asleep because I'm stressed out about having a seizure.
But lack of sleep and stress cause seizures.

Thankfully, I've been better since it's been such a long time since I've had one.

But every now and then the fear creeps in about how long will it take until I get used to this new medication and I start having them again?

It already happened, well we think, with the first medication.
Will it happen with the second?

These are things that I try not to think of but are always at the back of my mind.

Then, there are the medications.
I take 13 pills that are seizure related each day.
I've been taking seizure medication since I was 16.
And sometimes, I can't help but wonder who I was before I took all those meds.
I mean, I am grateful for the meds because I'd much rather be sad, moody, angry, sleepy, etc. than having seizures on a regular basis.

But there are things I notice and don't quite understand.
Like, I am always sleepy.
Always tired.
I can get the proper amount of sleep and drink coffee in the morning and still be really tired/ exhausted.
But, at the same time, in the evening I feel more awake.
It's harder for me to sleep.

Some days, I feel moody and sad and really don't know why.
I can pinpoint things that are sad in my life, but I don't always know why certain days make me feel sadder about them than others and days that have no special meaning to them.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's a personal attack from the Devil or if it's from the medication or what.
I really don't know.
Maybe it isn't really anything.

But I know seizure medications have a lot of side effects for other patients too so I know it's definitely a possibility I could have some too.

Not trying to make that define my life,
because it doesn't.
But it's another thing I think about.

Then there's the anxiety and fear that you somehow forgot to take your right dose or maybe you took more than you should have.

I've had those before and you know what? I've never had a problem with that.
Because I really make it an effort to take the right amount and I really believe I have.
But it's important to me, so I get anxiety about it and rewind in my head over and over again that moment of me taking my medication. Because I can't bare the thought that one day I might have a seizure and it's because I thought I took my medication but I didn't.

To sum it up though,
I want to go back to my first point.
1. I don't want you to pity me because of this.
2. I don't really want to draw your attention to me but to epilepsy

I gave you an in depth look on my personal struggles of being an epileptic.
Now, there are also many different types of seizures an epileptic can have.
It's probably different for each person.
But this is my experience.

I live a normal and happy life like any 22 year old.
I went to college and graduated with an English degree.
I dance and played soccer and ran track.

It didn't prohibit me living my life.

But its still something big enough that we shouldn't make jokes about.
It's still something that terrifies me and I don't think too many people will get and understand.

There are many other things and illnesses that people have and that jokes are made about all the time.
So, I'm not limiting this to epilepsy.
We should educate ourselves and not make jokes about what people have because it's actually not funny.
And if you were in that position you wouldn't be laughing either.

Having a stroke, having seizures, having cancer, having anything of the sort is not funny.

They are real and they are serious and it's something that the people who have them can't control and escape from.

So, all this to say, just try to be aware and supportive of people who face these type of things and be careful about what you say.