Saturday, January 31, 2015

my eyes open at the close

chocolate chip pancakes, mall scavenger hunts, singing at the top of your lungs to Disney songs,
what could be better?

Friday, January 30, 2015

The Sky always speaks of your wonders and I will be forever amazed until the end of my days...

Friday was: classes, long walks, good conversations, early dinners, sunsets, a moon being the radius of a circle, the nighttime sky painted in water colors, Venus looking down upon me, a telescope where I could see the radius moon and its enchanting craters , a theological encouraging astronomer, a girl who needed a prayer, a swing set, laughter, friendship, a scary movie, deep conversations, sleepovers with best friends, and my heart swelling with the need to worship and love my God always.
My life is a busy one, but it's becoming even more beautiful by every second.


Yesterday was a day that consisted of:
A Turtle face made by a Professor.
Lucky Charms for lunch.
A 3 mile walk with a good friend to Starbucks and a 3 mile walk back in the nice sunshine, and with the view of sparkling water and huge houses.
Breakfast for Dinner which included waffles and chocolate chip pancakes.
An intense game which  voice lasted two hours in which by the end of it, I almost lost my voice.
A Bible study and a city light view and cold wind.
Hymns and praises and piano music.
A peace in my soul.
It's a rare thing to find a soul that matches yours.
A soul in which you can tell anything too.
A soul that you can laugh with and cry with and be serious with.
A soul that you never tire of hanging out with.
A soul that brings you closer to God and you can always go to God with.
God has been very good to me.
Praise God to whom all blessings flow.

This week has been beautiful in every single way.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Oil Changes and Starbucks and Spoons

That sums up my yesterday.
(Also, I'm talking about spoons the game type of spoons.)
You know, Florida skies aren't all that bad after all.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Jan 27th 2015

It will be known as the day we won the battle of the Seagulls.
Where the seagulls nipped, and flew and swarmed and tried to engulf our food and our heads,
but failed miserably...
It was the day we tried to eat a calm, peaceful dinner at sunset and instead had to run for our very own lives leaving behind the corn bread muffins that were so rudely snatched from our hands.
It was the day we were silhouettes, my best friend and I, and we caught the sun and sang too loudly and got muffins and coffee and chased the city night lights and counted the palm trees.
It was the night, my roomie and I,  ate frozen yogurt and watched the Maze Runner ( a movie I have long awaited in seeing).
It was grand, all of it. T
he sunshine, the wind, the wet sea, the cold me, the sky, this life.
Thank you, Oh Lord, for every moment you graciously grant me.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Even the stars don't know what to say to you...

You and I, we are the sweetest kind of sad.
Even the stars don't know what to say to you.
Our paths were never bound to intertwine.
We were the numbers of pie which can never make ends meet.
We have no rhythm and no rhyme, and there are no birds that will sing to us.
We aren't music but art, and art isn't supposed to be pretty/ it's a mess you can't stop looking it.
If there is no music, how can the grass turn us into flowers?
And if we are not flowers, how can we suffice?
Buds grow into flowers, surely,
But we're not buds/ we are weeds.
We are the waves that never meet the shore,
Just flapping in the middle of the sea,
flapping and flapping endlessly...
the salty ocean stinging children's eyes.
Clock hands that never tell time.
You and I, we're fine on our own.
But together, we are the sweetest kind of sad.
And even the stars don't know what to say to you...
Even I don't know what to say to you.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

- and you have felt the horizon haven't you- and did the sea- never come so close as to make you dance?

There was music, lots of music. There was walks through the gardens, and flowers that told me secrets of the past as the breeze played with me. There was card playing and pizza and a hilarious movie. There was cookie making and eating and vines (not the kind you climb but the kind you watch) and there were deep conversations and there was life and laughter. There was old houses and hymns to be sung in old church houses. There was poetry. There was...
What was there for you this weekend?

Friday, January 23, 2015

Classical Music and Chamomile

Sometimes classical music and chamomile tea is all you need.
But these are added bonuses:
rainy evenings,
deep conversations,
heavy, moving movie watching (Life is Beautiful for ex)
cuddly dogs
realizing that Life is really Beautiful
May my lips sing of your praise in my actions, in my songs, in my soul.

Day #456

I don't know...
I don't know....
I don't know...

I'm unsure about a lot of things,
but You aren't one of them.
In my unstable life,
Oh Lord,
I will turn to you to find my stability,
and I will rest in your promises.

When I don't know,
I take comfort in the fact that you do know.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

There's a Lot to do/ A Lot to Learn in this here Life

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive.” “The venom of asps is under their lips.”
-- Romans 3:13
I want my throat to only praise you Lord,
my mind to only think of You and be Heaven minded,
my actions to reach out and be filled with a cup of kindness and love.
I want boldness to rush through my veins,
my love for you to be evident,
my life to be yours.
But all the things I want, I rarely do or act upon.
And it's all in my hands and my choices.
I can do any of that when I wholly give myself to you,
but I don't do that as often as I want to.
Lord, please help me.
There's a lot to do and a lot to learn in this here life.
Please show me the way and prepare my heart.
Please help me to love you more.
It's a constant struggle, but not one that we can't overcome when we really have Heaven oriented minds and heaven oriented hearts and God centered lives.
It's worth the struggle.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A Thousand Wishes

I was kind of feeling a bit bummed Monday night because I was feeling incredibly human.
Sometimes I really don't like being human.
Humans think of earthly things quite a bit, ya know?
That's what I was doing.
I was dwelling on small things, and I was feeling bad for myself, and I was just incredibly human.
However, God has sincerely blessed me with amazing friends who encourage and uplift me and bring my focus back to God and what He says in His word and what I should be thinking about but they say it in the kindest way possible too.
I am so thankful that God uses people to help other people to focus on Him.
Today, I feel a thousand times better than I did yesterday morning and Monday evening.
Yesterday, not only was I surrounded my great friends but I also got to enjoy the glorious sunshine of Florida. Sometimes I don't appreciate Florida. I think it's because I've lived here all my life and sometimes the Summer can be sweltering and borderline unbearable. However, yesterday was the perfect outside day. As soon as my last class (Expository writing which also is a really great class with a lot of free writing and writing prompts that get my brain and soul out on paper) ended, my friends asked me if I wanted to go running. I haven't gone running in a long time, but it's something I enjoy when I have good music, good weather, and good people to run with. So, of course, I said yes. We ran about two miles in a beautiful park with bridges as the wind ruffled our hair and the sun beat down on my face. As soon as I got back, my other friend wanted to go tanning. So, we tanned and I read my homework for American Literature (which was a lot of Emily Dickinson poetry which I thoroughly enjoy) and then we just talked for a bit. After that, I went to dinner with a whole bunch of my friends. Then I went on a walk with another one of my friends. Then, I watched Criminal Minds and played Improv games in Drama Club. It was just refreshing and wonderful and the sun and running can really change a mood. But really, the real deep change of my mood was God and looking to Him.
Life can really improve when your eyes are on Him and you listen to what He says.
It really can.
Right now, I am at peace with my life and whatever happens to me.
I know it's for the better.
I feel free.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I just gotta, I just gotta know.

I wanted to know because I thought it would be easier. Now I know but I have realized that it might take a while before it gets easier.
I think my heart knew, and it was already forming cracks, but I didn't want to face that assumption until I knew it was for sure true. Now, I know it's true and I feel all kinds of feelings.
However, one of the things that I keep having to re-learn is that God is in control. I am not.
He has a plan better than my plans.
Even in the grand scheme of things, I know this is a minor thing.
I think I got too carried away thinking of the future and I suppose, counting on this guy having mutual feelings because of how I perceived his actions. But now that I know it's not mutual, I realize I shouldn't have ever counted on that. I shouldn't have thought it would turn out the way I wanted to, because the truth is that no one knows how their life is going to play out. I knew there was a chance for him not to have mutual affections towards me, but I brushed over that possibility because I didn't want to focus on that. But again, God's teaching me that there is more than one outcome that life can have for me in every situation and even if the outcome doesn't seem like something I want, or something I would have ever picked for myself, I'm learning that in all reality that if it's the outcome God wants for me, then a. it's best for me and b. then it's the outcome I want for me. Even if it kinda hurts, and even if it takes some time to realize why this outcome was the outcome for me.

There's a quote that says; "One day you'll meet someone and then you'll understand why it never worked out with anyone else." I don't remember who it's by, but I like it. And I think that even if I can't see it now, one day it will be true.

Monday, January 19, 2015

These are the days that bind us together forever.

Today, was guitar strings and cracked voices.
Cold picnics and hummus.
Italian gelato (yes I know it's an oxymoron).
Dutch Bliztin'.

And it was MLK day.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Friday, January 16, 2015

Remember me with that oversized hoodie and waterfall braid and the taste of poetry stained on my lips and the feel of the raindrops on my toes...

This week was miles of fun and sewn moments that are forever etched in my skin.

I measured it all in coffee cups, laughs, rainy night walks, barefeet, criminal minds episodes, new friends and old friends, literature, Nickel Creek, poetry, surprises, beans, taboo, and the grace and goodness of God.

You cannot even begin to understand the beauty and joy this week brought me.

It came in with the cold weather and I feel myself morphing, shedding my skin, becoming a new person once again.

The sky tells me it's winter but body and brain and soul thinks it's spring.

I've been a bud and now it's my time to become a flower.

A wildflower in a humbling way.

In my bud stage, I was an awkward, confused, and questioning girl.

In my flower stage, I am embracing the moments of life and giving God the steering wheel and finding and soaking up the sunlight and beauty in it all

because it's always there...
I just used to close my eyes.

But my eyes are open now.

Spring is always welcome in my bones,
and I will bring out the black light whenever I need to revisit the memories in my skin.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

I don't know where I belong; I don't know where I went wrong

I'm listening to "Ho Hey" and reflecting on life and being happy.
Things that have gone down in these two days:
1. Watching God's Not Dead
2. Playing Monopoly
3. Greeting old friends
4. Helping my new roomie move in
5. Chicken Bite Box Adventures
6. Early Morning Classes with Friends
7. Warm Meals
8. New Music and likeable teachers and classes
9. Walks on the beach and a gorgeous sky
10. Starbucks runs with a friend
11. Wal-mart adventures
12. Turtle faces
13. Alone time
14. Literature and Poetry
15. Criminal Minds (Shocker)
Sometimes, I need to remind myself that it's a blessing to be this age.
That 20 is not actually thaaat old.
That being single isn't awful, and hanging out with friends is something to be cherished.
That even though I am an adult, I am not a married adult with children.
I am a young adult.
I have responsibility but I'm not drowned in responsibilities.
I'm thankful for this age and point in my lifetime and I am thankful for God and the small everyday little things He graciously gives us.

Monday, January 12, 2015


Like a fresh blossom in spring,
like a squeaky clean and white pair of shoes,
like rolls coming out of the oven with it's radiating warmth and freshly baked dough;

this semester is new and exciting.

Tomorrow, another chapter of my life will begin and probably with more surprises than I thought possible. I will be going back to school with one of my closest friends being my new roommate. We're going to celebrate the first day back by going out to eat and it will be most wonderful. I'm already excited to hug and be with my old friends and excited for my new classes that I might get the chance to make new friends with.

 I'm ready for adventure, and ready to learn more and more about the God I love and want to follow whole heartedly with my life.

"You make beautiful things
 You make me new
You make beautiful things out of us
 You are making me new, making me new"

--lyrics from Beautiful Things by Gungor

His mercies are new every morning.
(Lamentations 3:22-24)

Saturday, January 10, 2015

the wake of the moon and the rose that shed it's petals

let me trace the wake of the moon
and write it out for you in typed letter words
and you can tell me the story of the rose that shed it’s petals
 because it couldn’t bear to hold the weight of the metaphor of love
that it's red petals unwillingly symbolized

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Every breath

Life consists of a lifetime of seconds and in just one second a life can be formed and in just one second a life can be taken away. Your life is precious so praise God for your breaths. The breaths that taste like smoke and the breaths that taste like fresh air. Each one is valuable.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015


The warmth of the breath coming out of the horse's nostrils in the mountains when I was freezing.
The warmth of the fireplace and the taste of the raspberry hot chocolate which tasted and felt like winter.
The shops with window displays of snow and snowmen and Merry Christmas written on them all.
The woods.

It's funny how when you are in a place, you don't realize how much you'll miss it until it's gone.
It's funny how even when you're in a place you love, you can miss another place you love as well.
I'm home and I miss the North Carolina nature and weather.
In North Carolina, I missed the smell of home and the comfort of my own bed and snuggling my dog.

I suppose one day I'll be truly home though and I won't be missing any of this at all.

What a wonderful day that will be.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Queen of Hearts

My heart once bled, and bled.
Until all the roses were painted red.
But when the blood finally dried,
I collected all the tears I cried,
And I demanded the roses to be painted white.
Everyone looks at the Queen of Hearts with shame,
But I understand that hearts are full of pain,
Some guarded with locks and chains,
Other hearts let their love flow down the drain.

Hearts are not easy things to handle,
Not easy to hold.
I can see why the Queen of Hearts grew cold.

I would too if I had to keep more hearts than my own,
Even though mine is kept in a cage of bones,
It still breaks from time to time.
So tell the world;
Paint the roses white.


I find solace in a cup of tea,
lullabies that are secretly people,
laughter that the mouth cannot suppress,
boxes that one can crawl in and view it as a rocket ship,
time that stands still,...
and a God that is always loving, always forgiving, always bathing us in His grace.

But then again,
 the last one...

  that is my true solace,
my song,
 my reason,
my purpose,
 my life,
my love,
the one I don't thank enough
and the one I need to acknowledge more and more
 and the one I need to trust in all of the days in my life to fully know

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Dec. 31st 2014

"What a place to get engaged under the crystal line stars with the sound of river rushing below the enchanting forest."

I think it's interesting going to a place with documented memories and hearing how each person staying in the cabin (that my family and I are staying in) all have these different descriptions and memories for the same place. Each one a different story, a different vision. Happiness, and sadness were held here by different people. At the table I put my coffee cup on each morning could be the table where a little brother and sister played gold fish on each day. I know those are little things, but its strange to think about and beautiful. Everything's the same, but everything's different. The above line is copied from a newly engaged woman who stayed here with her soon to be husband. Her words were beautiful and I loved how she described the stars as crystal line because I probably never would have. I would have described them as tiny diamond seeds, and I would have described the woods as deep and haunting at night and the river as calming reminder that even in the silent and dark woods, there is comfort. Not only that, but it's weird to think that I have been walking around outside on the very place which marked a new beginning or at least the start of a new beginning for a very happy couple engaged and ready to take on life together who will remember that night outside the cabin I am sitting comfortably in right now. It's beautiful.