Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I just gotta, I just gotta know.
I wanted to know because I thought it would be easier. Now I know but I have realized that it might take a while before it gets easier.
I think my heart knew, and it was already forming cracks, but I didn't want to face that assumption until I knew it was for sure true. Now, I know it's true and I feel all kinds of feelings.
However, one of the things that I keep having to re-learn is that God is in control. I am not.
He has a plan better than my plans.
Even in the grand scheme of things, I know this is a minor thing.
I think I got too carried away thinking of the future and I suppose, counting on this guy having mutual feelings because of how I perceived his actions. But now that I know it's not mutual, I realize I shouldn't have ever counted on that. I shouldn't have thought it would turn out the way I wanted to, because the truth is that no one knows how their life is going to play out. I knew there was a chance for him not to have mutual affections towards me, but I brushed over that possibility because I didn't want to focus on that. But again, God's teaching me that there is more than one outcome that life can have for me in every situation and even if the outcome doesn't seem like something I want, or something I would have ever picked for myself, I'm learning that in all reality that if it's the outcome God wants for me, then a. it's best for me and b. then it's the outcome I want for me. Even if it kinda hurts, and even if it takes some time to realize why this outcome was the outcome for me.
There's a quote that says; "One day you'll meet someone and then you'll understand why it never worked out with anyone else." I don't remember who it's by, but I like it. And I think that even if I can't see it now, one day it will be true.