Thursday, June 16, 2016
We all have stories to tell because every one of us has a life. Whether we are 5 years old, or 17 years old, or 30 years old, or 75 years old, or 100 years old and all the years before and in between and after, we have stories. Our lives are stories. Each year is book and each day is a chapter. We have marks and bruises in our past but also light that shines brighter than some of our shadows we have faced. Our future may seem daunting but it's also uncharted territory and part of what helps us move forward is by hearing other people's stories. Hearing what kept them going and what words they live by and what they live for. We each have a story and I think it's our duty to share them. I don't want to hear; "My life is too boring" or "You don't want to hear about how I messed up" or "My story isn't worth sharing" because your life matters, and we all mess up (it's not about that, it's about how you move past your mistakes) and we all have stories worth sharing. So, impact other people. Let them see from different perspectives. Educate them. Grow them. Inspire them. Tell. Share. Please, don't let your life be a story you only read and keep to yourself. Share it.
I challenge you to leave a comment down below sharing your story or at least part of it.
I want to listen, I want to hear, and I want to grow.
I know it's scary, but it's worthwhile.
If you share apart of yours, I'll share apart of mine.
Monday, June 13, 2016
I've been a bit discouraged lately.
I've been trying to find a job and coming up short.
Besides that, I've been trying to get articles published.
I've also been failing at that.
It's been making me doubt my skills as a writer.
You see, I know I'm not the best writer out there.
However, I thought I was good enough to write something worthwhile and have it get published.
Also, I thought having a bachelor's degree and being school president and getting an academic scholarship would help me find a job easier.
I'm not saying anyone who doesn't have those things are unaccomplished but I just kept hearing the phrase; "That will look good on your resume."
I figured having it look good on my resume would help me get a job fairly quick.
However, so far, I haven't even gotten an interview besides a Starbucks one that was at a job fair.
So, I've been feeling a bit discouraged.
I thought I was capable of more.
But the more I stop and think about it,
I have to remind myself that not everyone gets "it" right off the bat.
Whatever the "it" is, it doesn't happen right away.
There's any tales of famous authors or actors who didn't get published right off the bat or get the role they auditioned for right away.
It took time for some.
Maybe I'm a person who takes some time before actually getting "it".
Whether it's a plain 'ole job, or a writing position, or an article published, or whatever "it" is for me,
maybe it will just take some time.
So, I'm waiting and I'm trying to remember the truth that's hard to remember;
failure is not the end.
I will keep trying,
Sunday, June 12, 2016
I just wish-
But it can't be-
So, I shouldn't say anything.
But I want to let you know that I shouldn't feel guilty for trying so hard to make you appreciate what I do for you and I shouldn't feel guilty that I am always coming up short.
So, I'm not going to anymore.
I love you,
and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you feel how you feel.
But I am good enough and I have tried hard enough and if you don't think I'm enough, I am sorry but I am.
And I shouldn't have to remind myself that I am.
I am not a great person.
I am not a good person.
I make mistakes.
I am full of faults.
I am as filthy as rags.
But God has made me beautiful and worth it.
So, therefore, I am beautiful and worth it because of Him.
And I am enough.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Have I ever told you how much I love acting?
I love it so much.
I have acted ever since I was a young child.
Not professionally or anything.
But when I was younger I was apart of a home school choir and drama club and I made home videos and I wrote my own scripts and acted out the parts.
Then I was in a church adapted play of "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever".
I also was in an adapted kid's version of Grease in which I played the role of Jan.
When I was in college I joined Drama Club and I participated in the Everything skit at a highschool and I got to be the main lead.
All the times before that, I had a blast because, as I said, I love to act.
But that moment... after I had finished the skit... I don't know. I think that was the moment when I truly was able to admire what I had been doing because I got to do the one thing that I always liked about my favorite movie actors. I got to impact people with the role I portrayed. I had kids coming up to me who could relate to the girl I portrayed and that was what I liked about it. I had a kid coming up and hugging me. That's when I knew I did my job right. Because people got it. They connected with the character like I had. And that's a beautiful thing.
Since that year of drama club, the next one I got to be a part of an improv show which was totally different than the skit I did. The skit I did was a serious and emotional one. The improv show's goal was to make the audience laugh and enjoy their time.It was neat because it stretched me in a different way. It showed me how to think off the top of my head and even if it seemed ridiculous, just to go with it. I think that was another key moment was when I was able to make people laugh even though I felt like I wasn't being all that funny. That connection is such a beautiful thing. I had people come up to me and say that they didn't know I could be that funny and outgoing. Because the thing is, sometimes I can be quiet and reserved with people I don't know. But when you're out there performing, I feel at home. I feel comfortable and okay to be myself. It's a wonderful feeling.
Now that college is done, I'm somewhat sad because I don't know when I'll get the chance to act again.
And I love it so much.
One of the dreams of mine (that I know seems pretty impossible) is to star in a movie someday.
I don't know how you'd even get there though.
And I know it'd be even harder because I have standards.
I think the only way I could go is in Christian acting/movies.
But even so, I don't even know how I'd get there.
I also don't think I'd have enough experience to get there.
But tonight I'm missing acting and drama is actually a big part of me because it's one of my passions so I thought I'd open up about it.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Been in a place where you feel like you don't belong?
Like you know these people and have known them for awhile...
but in a group you feel semi-invisible?
You feel like you must compete in order to have your voice heard.
Like you feel like people are trying to demand attention and if you don't give them it... you're on the outs.
I don't know I feel that sometimes.
And I don't like that feeling.
The feeling of not being important or worth talking to or enough...
Cause I know I am.
And I struggle with insecurities every now and then but for the most part I don't.
Because I am worth it.
And most people I hang out with don't make me feel inadequate.
And you know?
You should never have to be in a place with people who make you feel inadequate.
You shouldn't have to feel like that.
Because you're not inadequate.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Can I just say that Frodo and Sam had the best friendship?
Also, I love that Winnie the Pooh quote.
I don't know, this isn't a long post but I've just been thinking about friendship.
Sam and Frodo's friendship will always be one of my favorites.
But friendship is such a beautiful thing to have.
I' so glad God gave us the ability to have friends.
I am glad we weren't meant to walk on this earth alone.
Thursday I got to have a small adventure which only required starbucks coffee and an outing to see the new Xmen movie (which was really good by the way) with a friend. It's not anything grandiose or out of the ordinary but with the right people it can be. We had a lot of fun.
Friday I got to have another small adventure driving downtown and taking pictures with legit murals, viewing an art pool gallery that screamed vintage, a free donut with coffee(it was free donut day) , and a walk around an historic place in FL that has many old houses, a schoolhouse, a train station, and a chapel all with another friend.
The first one was planned and the second wasn't quite planned out but, you know, both were just as fun. It's not always what you do but it's also who you adventure with and it's just always so much better with friends.
I guess I've just been feeling really thankful that I have friends.
Don't take friendships for granted.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Remember the time that the rainstorm let you fall into a steady sleep where you woke up with dreams instead of nightmares?
Remember the time that the faint crackling of a fire and the smell of burnt wood and the sight of the sparks and embers made you feel okay again?
Remember the time that the ocean waves lapped against the shore and cradled the vast variety of different colored sea shells while the sun turned a vibrant shade of orange and crawled back into it's secret cave as the night time sky came to greet you?
Remember the time that the mountain air filled your lungs and cleared your mind as you gazed at these tall, and forever climbing high to the sky hills and remembered how alive you felt when you remembered that your troubles were so small in comparison and that you were limitless?
Remember the moments that make you smile.
Because there are so many moments to smile at.
There are songs and books and people and coffee and waffles and dogs and characters and nature and stories and life is peeking around the bend all around us.
I don't know. I felt really down last night and I still feel a bit heavy hearted but I am trying to take the time to go back and pull out memories of things I have loved and loved doing. Things I do love. Times I have loved.
And the One who IS love.
"Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live."
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
There's this girl I know. She ran away from her family. She spat lies and insults at them.
She got in cars with strange men. She destroyed her life. She's still destroying her life. She's pushing away the one thing that can save her. She knows it can save her, and she rejects it. She's unhappy and miserable but too arrogant to change. I got to see this girl after a year of not seeing her. This girl recounted memory after memory after memory of the good times. But she didn't talk about the bad times. She cheated. She lied. She stole. But she didn't talk about that. She talked about how good she was. She talked about how smart she was. She pretended like everything was great and like she was so great.
This girl breaks my heart.
I felt weighed down by her darkness.
Because it was so clearly consuming her.
And she was running into it.
I pretended I was okay and not affected by what I saw.
But I'm not.
Because this girl breaks my heart and I think I have finally realized that it's okay to be broken by things like this.
You're supposed to have your heart broken when you see things like this.
So, I'm being honest here.
I'm having a hard time.
Because I am heavy hearted.
I know I will be okay.
But, I'm feeling sad.
And that's also okay.
It's okay to be heartbroken over this.
It's one of the saddest things when someone is stumbling in the darkness but refuses the candle offered to them.
I'm having a hard time.
As most people know, writing comes from inspiration and motivation.
Today, my writing comes from the small nagging in my head saying that I need to write which turned into motivation.
But I will let you know that the truth is; I haven't felt very motivated since I have left school.
I have all the time in the world to write now and I'm having a hard time doing it.
Instead I go over in my head a million and one outcomes of how I am going to find a job or what I should do to find one and most of them involve improbabilities such as moving out of state even when I have no money for my own apartment and still no guaranteed job positions and no car.
I'm having a hard time knowing what I should be doing and what I should be doing while figuring out what I should be doing.
I just had an interview at Starbucks last week and I applied for a full time position.
I haven't heard back from the lady yet but they did promise to call me.
I also talked to someone who suggested that I look into freelance writing jobs.
I have been looking into them but most of them state that if you get accepted that you will have set deadlines of when your writing is due and some of them may be short.
I think maybe I should still apply to these jobs but I'm worried about getting accepted to both.
I don't want to tackle too many things at once.
And, I am afraid of not being able to..
I know I can force myself to write anything.
But I am not able to force myself to write my best material and if I am not inspired or motivated, my material might not be my best.
I know that you don't know until you try.
So, perhaps I should push myself anyways.
But, it's stressful and nerve wrecking.