Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Monday, September 29, 2014

Sunday, September 28, 2014

All in a single breath.

My heartbeat feels like a-
dum. dum. dum.
The rain whispers like a-
My ribs are a-
I am a -
stirrrrr. stirrr. stirrrrrr.

Of emotions. Unsaid words. Think too much. Brain hurts. Sound waves. Deaf Voice. Mute Me. Their choice. Lost it. Maybe. Still find. More peace. Makes sense? Not to you. But to me. Heart hurts. Heart mends. Life's hard. But love wins. Still find. Beauty in the end. Still find. Beauty in the end.

I still find beauty in the end.

Life's hard. But God wins.

I still find beauty in the end.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Rain. Muffins. Hot Chocolate. Free Pancakes. New friends. Prayer. Missions.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


Do you ever get that weird feeling that your skin is so translucent and that everybody can secretly see what is laying on and crushing your bones and what scratches and tears are etched on your heart? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel so absolutely vulnerable and exposed like a photograph that is just newly developed that you hang out to dry and wait for it to show the picture and you're intrigued trying to see how it'll turn out, but then you can either be disappointed with how it turned out or thrilled but I'm always afraid I will be the photograph that people are disappointed in and I also feel like people can see that. These are just fading feelings. I know they don't last. But I really hate when they come on because sometimes they come out of nowhere like a thunderstorm and all the sudden you're a different person than the happy girl the other day who felt confident and knew she had her friends and was happy to see people and not thinking for one second that anyone was judging her. But part of it is because it's easy to love people at their best. Or at least easier. It's a lot harder to love people seeing them at their worst. So when something comes a long that brings you to feeling your worst, it's harder to go back to being at your best. And that's when you feel translucent. Because you know people saw you happy and fine but when you're not, can people see that? Because sometimes I don't want them to see that. And all of the time, I wish I could just move on from a simple problem and be back to where I was before the problem came a long. But it takes time, and prayer, and a lot of help from the Lord. Bottom line is, I shouldn't care if I'm translucent. I shouldn't focus my time and energy on that. But I should focus my time and energy on the joy of the Lord and the peace and happiness that comes a long with this. I just have had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of pressure upon me, and writing gets it out. It sorts out my thoughts and sometimes it helps me realize what I need to do. I can come in knowing what I'm going to write but have no idea how I'm going to end. And that's the beauty of writing. It reveals people's souls and what's on their heart. I know this feeling will fade and I will get back to where I was a few days ago and I know everything will be okay and I know I can never deny the love I have from my Savior and the love I have for Him. And I know that His great love is my hope and my joy.

Fall Breeze

The new Fall breeze is blowing everything in the past away today.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


Last week was not one of my better weeks. I felt very sick for the latter part of it and stressed. I will be honest, the beginning of this week seemed the same to me. I was sick most of yesterday and I had so much work to do and a big test today and I was just bundled in the opposite of comfort. Ironically, Sunday's sermon was about worry and reminding us that worry is a sin.

Needless to say, the human being I am, I started massively worrying the very next day. I know I'm not perfect and I know I will worry again, but today I felt a massive difference from yesterday. I still had homework to do and I had the test I was worrying about today, but I didn't feel as weighed down.  I woke up in a bright mood, and I have felt marvelously lightened and bright today. I don't know what made the difference, but then again, I do. It was God. I went to my classes, I enjoyed them, I went to lunch and then some of my friends and I went to Dunkin Donuts, the park, and visited the rail road tracks to study. And it felt nice. I didn't feel ferociously under pressure when I was studying or anything. I actually sipped my coffee, exchanged a few laughs with my friends, enjoyed God's beautiful nature at the unfamiliar park, and relaxed. Then I came back and tackled my presentation for tomorrow which I seemingly don't feel so worried about anymore. :) Tonight, there is a small celebration at school where you can sign up for different clubs and greeks, and there's going to be free food so I'm psyched and after that, my unit is going to Applebees to celebrate a unitemate's birthday. So, it's going to be awesome. God is so good. Always. And I know that. But sometimes I don't really let that seep in when I should. Because when things are going wrong, I don't always focus on His goodness which is what I should be doing. But I want to remember. So, I pray that next time I am tested again during the bad that I will remember deeply. Not just on the surface. Not just quoting that and knowing He is good but still moping and having a bad attitude about my small problems. I want to really focus on Him. And I want to rest in His comfort and peace. Because His arms are the best place to be wrapped in.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Sunday Stories

On Sunday, I may have gone to church with my friends in my unit and I may have gone swimming in a pool and dragged someone a long with me into there against her wishes and I may have gotten rained on and I may have came back and took a brief nap and I may have gone out for coffee, did some shopping and gone to the beach and pretended I was on survivor with my friend and I may have came back, had devos, and then got my hair straightened before I went to bed last night. I may have. I may have not. But I think you know whether I did or not.

It was a wonderful Sunday and sometimes I completely forget I'm at college. I always thought I'd never go to college when I was younger. I was afraid. I thought it'd be hard, and new, and that I'd much rather just stay at home. But honestly, it's not so bad. God is good. He's more than good. And I never want to lose sight of that or of Him and His greatness. Yes, there is time for fun in life. But there is also time for quiet and peace and praising and thanking and loving and serious matters and I haven't and hopefully won't ever forget that. Because it's so easy to get caught up in oneself and doing everything to please oneself. But, we're not here for that purpose. We are here to glorify God. Not ourselves.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Friday, friday, what a beautiful friday...

Maple Brown Sugar Coffee. Music. Quiet Time. Old Testament Survey. Chapel. Advanced Grammar. Cinnamon Bagels. Spanish. Reading my favorite poem to a friend. Taking a nap. Getting food to bring to my room. Watching Remember Me with my friend. Eating cookies and getting more Maple Brown Sugar Coffee. Hanging with friends at Cheddars. Coming back and taking a walk. Late night trip to Dunkin Donuts. More coffee. Some extra donuts because DD's was closing and trying to get rid of their left overs. Stories and laughter and good times with friends. Coming back and talking/ messing around with 5 girls in the unit with me. Telling of creepy stories. Ending of my Friday.

That was my yesterday, and I felt very much alive and I'm so appreciative of these days and my friends and the memories I get the chance to make and my God that ordains and controls everything and the love that He has for me.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Thursday, September 11, 2014

She told me about the island where no cars were allowed, only horses drawn carriages.
He told me about his aspirations to be rapper.
She told me about driving to the top of a hill to see the stars and kayaking in clear blue waters during the summer.
He told me about his passion for Dunkin Donuts.
She told me about how her soon to be fiancé asked her out to prom and how it included candles on a basketball court.
He asked random questions.
She was a human Pandora.
He quoted the Dead Poet's Society.
She dedicated large portions of her time to watching Criminal Minds.
He sported a beanie and sunglasses always.
She had cute glittery shoes.
He was super tall and a strange love for pickles.

Every she is a girl I have encountered here at college.
Every guy is a guy I have encountered here at college.
Every person has a story.

Even when you get to see only tiny pieces of someone's story or their soul,
it's still beautiful and important and fascinating.

We're all human.
We all share skin and bones and happy thoughts and sad thoughts.

But it's nice to see certain things that make people tick or memories that reside in their brains and everything else.

It's nice to connect and appreciate even if you don't connect.

God is in charge of every encounter.

They're all important, and it's good to note that sometimes.

Monday, September 8, 2014

In The Embers

I'm listening to "In the Embers" by Sleeping at Last while reflecting upon my day and I just am having one of those extremely good days where you feel overwhelmingly thankful for good friends that you can pour your hearts out to and feel like your souls may be completely intertwined in the best way possible. Today was; homemade pumpkin spice lattes, "A Room with a View", a walk to a crummy beach,  heart to hearts, taco soup, xmen, a trip to dunkin donuts to pick up a donut for the morning ( ah sweet mornings, I love them so ), coming back to my dorm unit to cake and a nice impromptu walk with one of my college friends. It's just really nice when you realize and appreciate your friends and make spontaneous plans and live in the moment and really just appreciate God and His power, mightiness, goodness and love. I am so tired, but I'm also energized and I look forward to tomorrow and the beauty of another day. I want to live life to the fullest, I really do.

"“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.”"

-- Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, September 6, 2014

The Nighttime Sky

It was my second week of college, I still felt relatively shy. But the nutella latte gave me energy and I ran into you and you became my friend. You took me to view the causeway from the little private beach across the street from my college. We stuck our feet in the sand, and you told me your passions and I looked up at the sky and the sea and the lights and I felt infinite and that everything was possible. I was praying for a friend, and you became one to me and the world suddenly felt huge. The next week I became apart of drama club, was introduced to fellow student Christian rappers, and lived a life of new beginnings. I acted and became Loki in an acting game and made people laugh and it was a wonderful, old familiar feeling. This week I feel will be bright and I am fond of all things bright and beautiful. Pumpkin is in the air I breathe, and October is around the bend. I haven't been back in a long while but I have been reading my old posts and I have found it so deeply stained on my heart to not forget. Because one day I will. So, I must write. I must document. I must leave my words and my memories where I can bring them up again when I must and remember. Because my life is changing, and it's beautiful and I want to remember it. So, trust me on this, I will be back.