Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Do you ever get that weird feeling that your skin is so translucent and that everybody can secretly see what is laying on and crushing your bones and what scratches and tears are etched on your heart? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel so absolutely vulnerable and exposed like a photograph that is just newly developed that you hang out to dry and wait for it to show the picture and you're intrigued trying to see how it'll turn out, but then you can either be disappointed with how it turned out or thrilled but I'm always afraid I will be the photograph that people are disappointed in and I also feel like people can see that. These are just fading feelings. I know they don't last. But I really hate when they come on because sometimes they come out of nowhere like a thunderstorm and all the sudden you're a different person than the happy girl the other day who felt confident and knew she had her friends and was happy to see people and not thinking for one second that anyone was judging her. But part of it is because it's easy to love people at their best. Or at least easier. It's a lot harder to love people seeing them at their worst. So when something comes a long that brings you to feeling your worst, it's harder to go back to being at your best. And that's when you feel translucent. Because you know people saw you happy and fine but when you're not, can people see that? Because sometimes I don't want them to see that. And all of the time, I wish I could just move on from a simple problem and be back to where I was before the problem came a long. But it takes time, and prayer, and a lot of help from the Lord. Bottom line is, I shouldn't care if I'm translucent. I shouldn't focus my time and energy on that. But I should focus my time and energy on the joy of the Lord and the peace and happiness that comes a long with this. I just have had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of pressure upon me, and writing gets it out. It sorts out my thoughts and sometimes it helps me realize what I need to do. I can come in knowing what I'm going to write but have no idea how I'm going to end. And that's the beauty of writing. It reveals people's souls and what's on their heart. I know this feeling will fade and I will get back to where I was a few days ago and I know everything will be okay and I know I can never deny the love I have from my Savior and the love I have for Him. And I know that His great love is my hope and my joy.