Friday, September 2, 2016
Heartbreaks and aches and mistakes
One time I was 16 and had foolish dreams and got whisked away by a troubled boy that nobody really "got" but I thought I could see some good in him and I also thought he saw me.
One day that 16 year old found out that everyone around her was right and his flattery was just flattery and maybe he was troubled because at the time, he wanted to be. But he tore me down and I was left with a wounded pride and a cracked heart.
One time I was 17 and more guarded, I didn't want to be tossed aside like I had been before and I didn't want to make a wrong choice. I fell for one of my guy best friends, a guy who didn't really fit in with our group before and was a "nerd" so to speak. But I got to know him and I liked him and he was brilliant and he was funny and this time, I was sure I was in love.
But that guy went off to college, he was only a year older than me, and I thought we could still make whatever we were work. But over a few days (though I was blind to the gradual change), he changed and he realized he was having doubts regarding the Bible and he wasn't as sure as I was that God was real and then he stopped talking to me. I was left confused, hurt for him and for me, and with a bleeding heart.
After that, I've been guarded and changed.
My standards have been a little higher.
I want more than just attention.
I still want to help the troubled but you can only love the troubled at a distance.
They don't know how to love you like they should.
I have learned that change can happen to a person and you can't be blinded by "love" when a person starts to change for the bad.
You need to cut it off when it's unhealthy.
But above all this, I've learned that I want not just a Christian.
I want a guy who is a Christian leader, a guy who puts God above all else, a guy who will bring me closer to God.
In my young age, I didn't seek a strong, God-fearing Christian.
The first one, was a Christian by title but not in action.
The second one was a little trickier because I was fooled by him, I didn't see that he was standing on rocky faith until college brought it out in him.
But now, I know where I am at and I know what my standards are.
I have had "crushes" since then and I've had pursuers, but I haven't been in any relationships.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
The mindset of a lot of people today is that if you're single, you should date around.
You should seek.
You should find.
They cringe at the word; "wait".
I've learned not to fear that word anymore.
Waiting isn't bad.
Sometimes I get anxious, like I'm sure all single people get once in awhile.
Because I do desire true love and marriage and a husband.
But I've learned to be okay to say no or to withhold myself from any relationship I think isn't for me.
I've learned to be earnest in prayer over relationships and to be more cautious.
I do think sometimes we do go through bad relationships to learn from them. But I also think if you let God teach you, you can learn some lessons without being in a bad relationship first and getting your heart broken.
Just my thoughts.
So, yes, I'm 22 and haven't been a relationship since I was 17.
And you know what?
I'm okay with that.
I'm 22 and still learning and still waiting.