Sunday, September 6, 2015

Everything Changes - Judah and the Lion

I don't know, but this song kinda sums up my mood right now.

I'll let you in on a secret.
This year has been a doozy.
It just came in on a breeze and while I wore a snoopy sweater and a smile, 
but I had no idea what would come my way.
We never know really.

There has been a lot that has happened and a lot of surprise tears and built up anger really, but I don't think I've grieved what has happened in this year and I'm still not sure how to really. I don't know if that makes sense.

Basically, I've been a leaf blower. Whenever my mind comes across the path of any memory stained leaves, I blow them away. I blow it off my path. It's never gone. I'm not a vacuum. I simply blow them away to another path because I don't want to dwell on those memory leaves and I don't want them in front of me. I want to put them out of sight. So, I blow them away and walk on. But every now and then I come across the path where  had blown those leaves across and I fulfill my role each time. Simply blowing them away again and not worrying about them until I see them again.

I've had fun times in the midst of the bad. I carry on. I smile. I laugh until my stomach hurts. I keep on, because we have to. But I still don't know how to grieve.

So, I'm going to take the time to think about it. Because I need to. I can't just skip over the bad chapters in a book. Because they're still important to life.

My old lady neighbor passed away this year. I knew she was getting ill and old and maybe that's why I never fully grieved about this, but when I recall memories of time spent with her, it reminds me of how big of a deal it is. She was like a grandmother to me. She gave me a knitted, old and ugly peach colored sweater once and I wore it in middle school and got made fun of by my crush. I would walk over and visit her after I ate ice cream with my highschool friend. My family would bring her supper and make her gifts for christmas, easter, and other holidays. Her house was hot and sticky, and sometimes visits with her seemed impossibly long but looking back I enjoyed it. I used to take my dog over to see her and she would always comment on how my dog was a Queen and how good 'she' was even though my dog is a male. I have a lot of memories intertwined with her, and for some reason, though I knew it wasn't possible, it seemed like she would live forever. She would constantly tell me how she was getting old and she would state that at each birthday and I would tell her she still had a lot of life in her and I thought she would make it to 100 at least. She never did. She died this year and when I received the news, my heart ached but then I didn't think of it. I didn't want to. Every time I passed her house though and saw people refurbishing it and saw the for sale sign being put up, those memory leaves would come floating down and I would become a leaf blower.

Someone very important to me who I saw very often and was close to me, had to leave. The fact of it was overwhelming to me and the circumstance was overwhelming for me. It made me sad but I knew the person had to leave and I knew it was right for that person. So, I accepted the fact and I didn't grieve really. I cried with people who were affected by it. But I didn't cry for me even though I was affected by it. And when the person went away, I acted like it was normal. And I became used to the pattern very quickly. More quickly than I expected to be. I went with it and it's sad to me how that happened and thinking about it makes me feel like I'm heartless and cold. It hurts whenever I think about that person and whenever the person's name is mentioned or a song reminds me of that person, but I don't want to hurt so I blow the leaves away. I don't want to break down because what's the use in that? I don't know what to do about it besides praying. And I don't think I can do anything else. So I pretend life without that person has always been that way and I make it seem normal. 

My college shut down. I complain about it a lot. Something I don't think I should do. Again, I can't change that. But how it all was handled wasn't well. And I had no way to prepare myself for it. I cried a lot because of the stress of finding a new college but I didn't grieve the loss of an excellent God-fearing place where the professors truly cared about you and serving the Lord. Where friendships were encouraging and God-based. Where worship and Bible studies were actively held. Where memories were made and treasured. I tried not to think about that all. I focused my energy on finding a new college. In being excited at first, to becoming discouraged by limited options, to being excited again when I found one, and sad again when it couldn't even kind of come close to the great rare treasure I had by just being able to go to that college. It was a huge loss I didn't even kind of want to take in. And as people voiced their sympathies, I just kindly thanked them and stated that I knew God had a plan in all of this. I still believe and know that to be true. But I think I somehow lost the fact that it was still okay to be sad about it. Either that or I just didn't want to be sad about it. I don't know. My emotions confuse me and I think that's why I'd rather just put them in a bottle with a lid rather than deal with them. That's why I like to blow away those leaves and walk on clearer paths that aren't stained with memories. Paths where I can create new and possibly better ones. And if the new memories turn out bad, I can always blow them away too. I just keep walking a long.

But one day, there will be too many memory leaves to count. And I will need to vacuum them or embrace them. One can't not live like this. I know I must grieve. I just don't know how.

But I give my life to you Lord and I ask for Your help.

I feel like taking the time to acknowledge this has helped though. 
Writing is therapeutic to me.
It's my outlet.
I don't know if this is what grieving feels like.
But addressing the issue and writing about what has actually affected my life,
it has helped.

I don't know what else is to come my way.
But everything changes.
So we'll see what other changes await me for this year.

"Ain't it funny
how everything changes? 
Ain't it funny
how everything goes?
But You don't change, You don't change for anything.
You won't be moved."

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