Saturday, January 7, 2017
Goodbyes are hard to say and even harder to swallow
These last couple of days have been more than rough.
My family and I just found out that our dog Ernie has cancer.
He had surgery to remove the tumor and all that they could but the cancer is too advanced to be removed completely.
We've been informed that we may have only a week or two left with him.
This is all sudden and a complete shock since he's in such good shape and acting completely normal and as if he were completely healthy.
It was one of those knock the wind out of you events that you completely don't see coming.
But I guess that you never see surprises coming.
Otherwise, it's not a surprise.
The day we heard that he is a walking time bomb was really rough.
And now, it's still really rough.
We don't know what day or moment it will be that takes him away from us.
I know "The Fault in Our Stars" is a book about humans with cancer rather than dogs, but this situation makes me understand what Hazel Grace was feeling a little bit better than I did when reading the story.
I mean I empathized, but I didn't relate as well as I can know.
And, again, I know it'd be even worse if it were a human being I loved so much.
However, when she found out that Augustus was dying, all she could do was love him and be with him and wait.
And we she got that phone call in the early morning, she knew.
But before that, she didn't know what day would be his last.
What moment would be his last.
What words they exchanged would be their last.
What would be their "last good day".
I know he's just a dog, but it's the same type of thing.
Of course, we have no words to exchange.
But right now, he's eating just fine.
Wagging his tail.
Giving us kisses.
We don't know what moment will be his last and what day will be his "last good day."
I am going to say that dogs are family because they truly are.
They grow up with you and love you and cheer you up when you're down in the dumps.
A lot of times they are more understanding and caring than people are or can be.
Now, he's my Mom's dog so it's not as bad as it could be for me.
I can't imagine what it's going to feel like when my dog that I raised when I was 10 years old dies.
I don't want to.
But even so, Ernie was apart of my family and 10 years just doesn't seem long enough.
That all being said, of course when I reflect upon and think about what's going to happen soon, I get sad.
But, I took a nice and long walk today and it really got me thinking about things.
One of the things I really thought about long and hard was about how in the limited time I have with Ernie, I want to enjoy it.
I don't want to be sad the few days I have left just anticipating and waiting for the future bad thing to happen.
We can't live like that, because that's not really living.
Of course, I'll have sad moments and when he is gone will truly be a time to grieve.
But I don't want to be sad while waiting.
I want to be grateful for him and be happy with him until his last days.
I guess I don't have much else to add except that time is limited and you never know what's around the bend.
I didn't want 2017 to start off with this, but it's happening anyways and I have got to deal with it.
There is still beauty around the corner and if you choose to look for it; it will always be found.
So, my eyes are lifting up instead of drooping and I will find joy in the heartache and I will make the most of the time that is given to me.
Goodbyes are hard to say and even harder to swallow, but the time for me to say goodbye is not quite yet.