We are the ants but ants can carry more than you know

One time I used to be descriptive but then the summer breeze ate up my imagination and my weary bones made me want to use my brain less.

But my pinecone head is growing into a pine tree now instead and life is blooming even though spring is long gone.

Just show me a handful of dust and I'll build you a sandcastle out of it.

Because we are the dreamers, the word shakers, the paintbrushes making art with the colors our eyes soak in and our minds tell us about through the pictures of day to day life.

Let us speak.

Hear us roar.

And stand with me.

No sitting anymore.

No more blank stares.

Get up and stand with me and we can climb those snow covered mountains.

You are real and that is beautiful. Most people aren't and that is tragic.

I want to be authentic; that's where the magic occurs.

I hope you live a life you're proud of...

You know what's great about life?

It's never too late to make changes to it.

You're never past the point of too far gone.

If you find yourself living a life you do not like; don't keep living it that way.

You can make a change.

And even if the change is different and scary to you; just remember that if you don't like your change, you can always change again.

Life is a learning process.

It's meant to be changed and changed and changed again.

I don't think we'll ever know how we're supposed to live it right off the bat.

And how we live it at 8 years old is going to be different from how we're supposed to live it at 16 years old and different from how we're supposed to live it at 22 years old.

But don't get stuck.

Don't ever get stuck in the mentality of thinking the life you are living has to stay the way it is even if you hate it.

Even if you're miserable and think there is no other way.

There's always another way.

In the book "The Outsiders", there are many characters and there is a lot going on and a lot of it sad. But the one character that made me sad the most is always the character Dallas Winston.

If you haven't read this book, I really hope you will sometime.

If you have, well, you know who I'm talking about then.

Anyways, this boy breaks my heart the most because he doesn't care about his life.

He thinks he doesn't really have one and therefore, does whatever he wants.

He thinks he can't be hurt if he doesn't care.

But, the thing is, he does care about this other kid in the book.

And that kid *spoiler alert* ends up dying.

When that kid dies, Dallas goes a bit crazy and starts up trouble and basically gets himself killed.

The book sort of suggests that he knew he was going to get killed and that's kind of what he wanted.

That's what breaks my heart.

I think Dallas Winston didn't believe that he could change.

He didn't believe his life could change.

He was stuck in this rut and his life was meaningless to him.

In the end, he didn't care about living because he didn't think it was worth living.

He caused trouble with the cops and got arrested a lot because he didn't care.

I think everybody else in the book cared.

I think they realized they could change the way they lived their lives if they needed or wanted to.

Some of them didn't think they needed to and were very mistaken by thinking that.

But Dallas, I think he didn't think he could.

Of course, none of this is written in the book and these are just my thoughts so I don't know if it's necessarily true.

But I write this because I think it's important to realize that your life can change and you can change.

If you don't like the path you're on, you can walk a different path.

It's never too late to choose the right one as long as you are living.

Dallas wasted his life.

That's what is so sad to me.

But, you don't have to waste it.

You can live more and you can be more.

Do you hear the violins? They are weeping and you are sleeping.

The taste of charcoal fell upon my tongue whenever the rain drops fell down upon the rooftops. “Why is the light always grey?”, I asked. No one ever answers me. Maybe because grey was what everyone felt when the cold rust sets deep into our bones. “I’ll look away”, I said. “I’ll look away.” That’s the only thing you’re good at anyways my brain told me bitterly. Then, the light turned white like the teeth of my childhood smiles and for once, I looked up. And I thought out loud;

"Maybe I should do this more often."

It's easier to understand things when you let your heart be broken instead of fighting against what is already happening.

Don't you know?

I didn't.

But I do know.

You should too.

I hope you will know soon.

There's art in my soul...hey, what's in yours?

There is art in my soul,

and it comes to life when my fingers tap,

fluid,

flowing,

like tree sap.

Art pours,

it paints,

it dances,

it sings,

it breathes,

it exists,

so,

onlooker,

let

it

be

Let what you see be soaked up in your memories,

let it change your vision,

let it change your perspective,

let it change who you are,

let it shape the way you live.

There is always time to make revisions.

Don't try to ignore the art that like dust attacks,

even if it simply lies still such as clothes upon a rack,

there is more beauty to it than what it is,

beauty in the snap, the crackle, the pop, and the lasting fizz

of

<life>

That is me

I don't need my life to be sweet...

I just need my life to be me.

One time I felt sad about my best friend leaving,

but I see leaves fall everyday and new ones grow and take their place.

Maybe it doesn't make it less sad,

but watching it makes me feel okay.

There are so many sights to see,

and it rained today so that felt like me.

Though it's hard to know,

which roads we'll go,

I've seen enough surprises to realize that time changes and grows and weeps and flows

and arms hug and hold

and hearts soaking in sadness can often grow cold

but I've been told

that there is always a hope

so one day when I am gray and old,

I know my soul will always stay gold.

I don't need my life to be sweet,

I just need it to be me.

You might not understand,

You might not agree,

But even so,

take a seat,

make yourself at home,

and I'll pour you a cup of tea.

Because that,

that is me.

Heartbreaks and aches and mistakes

One time I was 16 and had foolish dreams and got whisked away by a troubled boy that nobody really "got" but I thought I could see some good in him and I also thought he saw me.

One day that 16 year old found out that everyone around her was right and his flattery was just flattery and maybe he was troubled because at the time, he wanted to be. But he tore me down and I was left with a wounded pride and a cracked heart.

One time I was 17 and more guarded, I didn't want to be tossed aside like I had been before and I didn't want to make a wrong choice. I fell for one of my guy best friends, a guy who didn't really fit in with our group before and was a "nerd" so to speak. But I got to know him and I liked him and he was brilliant and he was funny and this time, I was sure I was in love.

But that guy went off to college, he was only a year older than me, and I thought we could still make whatever we were work. But over a few days (though I was blind to the gradual change), he changed and he realized he was having doubts regarding the Bible and he wasn't as sure as I was that God was real and then he stopped talking to me. I was left confused, hurt for him and for me, and with a bleeding heart.

After that, I've been guarded and changed.

My standards have been a little higher.

I want more than just attention.

I still want to help the troubled but you can only love the troubled at a distance.

They don't know how to love you like they should.

I have learned that change can happen to a person and you can't be blinded by "love" when a person starts to change for the bad.

You need to cut it off when it's unhealthy.

But above all this, I've learned that I want not just a Christian.

I want a guy who is a Christian leader, a guy who puts God above all else, a guy who will bring me closer to God.

In my young age, I didn't seek a strong, God-fearing Christian.

The first one, was a Christian by title but not in action.

The second one was a little trickier because I was fooled by him, I didn't see that he was standing on rocky faith until college brought it out in him.

But now, I know where I am at and I know what my standards are.

I have had "crushes" since then and I've had pursuers, but I haven't been in any relationships.

I don't think that's a bad thing.

The mindset of a lot of people today is that if you're single, you should date around.

You should seek.

You should find.

They cringe at the word; "wait".

I've learned not to fear that word anymore.

Waiting isn't bad.

Sometimes I get anxious, like I'm sure all single people get once in awhile.

Because I do desire true love and marriage and a husband.

But I've learned to be okay to say no or to withhold myself from any relationship I think isn't for me.

I've learned to be earnest in prayer over relationships and to be more cautious.

I do think sometimes we do go through bad relationships to learn from them. But I also think if you let God teach you, you can learn some lessons without being in a bad relationship first and getting your heart broken.

Just my thoughts.

So, yes, I'm 22 and haven't been a relationship since I was 17.

And you know what?

I'm okay with that.

I'm 22 and still learning and still waiting.

.