I'm Unsure

When I'm uncertain of the future, I start imagining it. And that's bad. It's a problem of mine. I do not know the future and the things I imagine are most likely far from what will be and what will happen. I don't think there is any good in imagining my own future. I think there is only good in trusting God with my future and keeping an open mind and to keep focusing on how I can glorify Him while I am here and living in the present. 

Oh Lord, please gently press the weighing thoughts of the future back into the unreachable spots of my brain and press upon the thoughts of you and how to glorify you now into the caverns that I delve into daily.

Oh the things I'm learning.

Oh Lord, May I Obey You

Sometimes I am very good at listening.

Sometimes I am very bad at obeying.

I know and felt God calling me to read a poem that pointed back to Him and the Gospel tonight at a coffee house.

I even asked for prayer for it the previous night knowing that this was what I was supposed to do.

Tonight though, I tried to metaphorically run. I chickened out. I looked at the list of performers and there was one name written down. I looked around at the crowd and it was big. I got my coffee and my Mom and sister and I sat down and started playing a game. I had easily ignored what God was telling me to do. I could feel the guilt pricking at me and I was ignoring that. It wasn't until my loving sister and Mother prodded at me that I buckled up the courage and wrote my name down. I am thankful that they did that but ashamed that I had tried to ignore what God was telling me to do. I know I do that a lot. Whenever there are opportunities to share but could cost me embarrassment or judgement, my mind simply turns off the switch that says; "I am willing Lord and I will do it" to "Oh no Lord that's not what you want for me really".  That should not be my first response. My first response should be; "Lord, I see that this may be different than what I thought and could cost me a few moments of embarrassment and judgement but you are worth it and having these souls listening to Your words and truth and having the opportunity to spend an eternity with you when they die, is worth it." I am willing up until a point most times. I am willing until I am faced with something that terrifies me. And the thing is that I have no reason to be terrified either. What can mortal man do to me? I am a child of God, and a conqueror. Perfect love casts out fear. I have no reason to be afraid for my God is with me. I don't want to be a Jonah. 

I did end up reading my poem and it was hard.

But it was worth it.

And next time, I don't want my first reaction to be ignoring God when fear tries to creep in.

I want my reaction is to be trusting God and realizing that doing what He has asked me to do is worth it. And I want to do it right away. I don't want to "run" first and then come crawling back.

I know I am still human but tonight has made acutely aware of an area in my life that I need to work on and I need prayer for.

Sometimes I am very good at listening.

Sometimes I am very bad at obeying.

But I realize I want to be better at obeying.

Oh Lord, help me obey you.

A Silent Word

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Am I Ready?

Yes.
 I am.
You know there was a time when I really thought I needed to step away from life's problems.
But stepping away doesn't make your problems disappear.
I realize that's kind of what I was hoping for.
The whole; "ignorance is bliss" sort of deal.
I don't want that now.
I need to face my problems and fight them.
I don't want to step aside.

However, in a couple of weeks I'll be headed off for my last year of college.
And I pose the question to myself; Am I Ready?

I believe so.
I don't know what all this year entails for me.
But I think I'm ready for it.

And I'm not running away from my problems this time,
but I think leaving for a little while helps you realize things and helps you grow.
And some things you do need to make sure your mind doesn't dwell on.
I think staying here would be harder not to dwell on certain things.
It doesn't mean I'm not facing my problems, but sometimes a break gives you perspective on your problems.
Sometimes seeking other people's advice helps you out.

I think this will give me time to grow closer to God and hopefully help me focus on Him more.

I need that,
I need to focus on Him more.
I've really realized that and I've been trying to do that especially these last couple of weeks.

But I'm excited to go out there and go to chapels and have Christian professors again hopefully pass on their wisdom and be surrounded by believers that will hopefully uplift and encourage.

And if not, still, He is good.
And I know He has a plan in all this.
And I want to seek and praise Him still and all the more.

To sum up my El Salvador Learnings

On my last day in El Salvador, the morning before I was to go to the airport, I came across this verse;

"But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

--Psalm 73:28

What a fitting verse to sum up the week, and to keep in my mind as I live my life moving forward.

1 Peter 3:4

"but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious."

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to right about my Friday in El Salvador yesterday. I'm going to be honest, I was sick on that day. I whole heartedly wished I wasn't but I was and spent most of that day sleeping and recuperating. So, I didn't have a lot to take away from that day. Although I can't say I took away nothing from that day, because I don't think there is day where we can't take away anything from it. I think the main thing it taught me was patience and how sometimes we need to learn that we aren't super human beings and as much as we want to, we can't always get to experience everything we want to experience. I really wanted and even tried to sit in on the service put on for the youth but eventually I had to just rest. And sometimes we need to rest in life. We need to take a break from all the clutter going on and sit back and rest our souls too. So, I guess that is what I took away from that day. As much as I wanted to spend that day with the rest of my team and the youth that were there, I needed to rest my body and my soul.

 

On a side note, I'd like to talk about the above verse.

 

I love that verse so much. I came across it last school semester back in April, but I easily forgot to meditate on it over the Summer. Every time I read it, I think to myself that a gentle and quiet spirit is the beauty I want to have. However, I do not live that out very often. I fall back into focusing on outside beauty. It annoys me, really, it does. I know it's popular in society to focus on that because that's what they teach you. That's how you get guys. That's how you fit in. That's how you become acceptable. But, that's not what the Bible teaches, and every time I am reminded of this, that's what I want to focus on.

 

Story time:

When I was in highschool, I had mini-romances. I don't know how else to describe it really. We never really were in full on relationships but we definitely were invested in each other and we definitely were attracted to each other. But honestly, those didn't last very long. And I have many of guys proclaim their interest in me, but again, I think it was only because of my outside appearance. Now trust me, I am not boasting here. I'm just stating what I think. And I can tell you that part of why I think that is because I do not believe I had the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit and I do not believe my heart was hidden in Christ. But you know, each time something didn't work out or a guy stopped liking me, it hurt. Because I knew it wasn't me they really liked. Not the inward person. And you know what? I don't think I'll ever have a deep relationship that will work out unless I do work on my inner self.

 

Outward appearances fade away, and you can't hide your inner self. It comes peeking out.

When my inner self comes peeking out, I don't want it to be ugly.

I don't want my inner self to be arrogant and proud, not giving any thought to others, or a flaky person who does not dedicate herself to God's word or following Him completely. I don't want to be a lukewarm person and I don't want to be in a relationship with a lukewarm human being. I want my life to be hidden in Christ and glorifying Him and when I become in a relationship with someone, that is what I want to be attractive to Him. My relationship with Christ. And that's what I want to find attractive in a man. And if I am not focused in Christ or I find a cute guy who is not dedicated to Christ, I know I am not ready for a relationship or a relationship with him. And I know it wouldn't work out if I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't living completely in Christ and especially if I wasn't living completely in Christ.

 

Now what do I mean by this?

Do I mean the person can't mess up and lose his way?

Does it mean I have to be perfect and never sinning in order to be in a relationship?

No, not at all.

That's impossible.

 

But I have to be focused on God first.

God above all else.

And so does he.

 

If a guy takes a place in front of Jesus in my thoughts, then I can't be with him.

I'm not ready.

That is not a healthy way to start a relationship.

God needs to be first in my life.

 

Likewise, it's the same with the guy.

I don't want him to elevate me in front of God.

God is first.

 

I want to make God first in my life.

And I need to work on myself in the mean time because I can't be a good future wife if I only focus on the outside too.

 

I need to focus on being a girl with beauty that pleases the Lord.

And I want my future husband to love me for having the beauty that pleases the Lord too.

Or else I know he's not deeply rooted in God either.

 

Those are my thoughts of the day.

I know I have a lot to work on.

I need to be calmer, gentler, and kinder.

I need to focus on others and God moreover than myself and how I appear to others.

 

I can honestly say, I need to put God first right now.

 

I am not ready for a relationship with anyone right now,

I am still distracted and not focusing on Christ as I should.

But I am praying, and I am trying because I want Him to come first.

He is my life, my love, and my all.

He is my everything.

I need to live that out rather than just know it.

Thursday

Thursday we had a youth conference and a group also went back to the public school because they had a morning group and a completely different afternoon group. So we went in the afternoon this time to share and talk to the new group. When we ministered to the public school, it didn't go as well as we expected or as well as the first time did. We had trouble being loud enough because we were on a basketball court and there were no outlets to plug in a microphone or anything which was different from what we had the day before. We had a megaphone but that still didn't help that much and a lot of the older kids were talking so it made it very hard to hear. However there was a little girl  who really wanted to hear. She kept making the "shh" motion and asking girls to quiet down so she could listen and even though I know she couldn't hear because I was sitting with her and I couldn't hear, when we handed out Gospels of John she opened up hers immediately and I saw her quietly reading it out loud to herself. Even though things didn't work out as we had planned it too, God had (and has) everything under control and He was still working through the complications. This girl was such a love though and I miss her. But it also reminded me that even though there are times and days where everything seems to go wrong, there is always an upside to it. Not only that, but it makes all the difference even if just one girl in that huge group of kids got to hear the Gospel. Our job isn't to see how many souls we can collect for the kingdom. It's not a contest. Of course, I'd like all the people I talk to who aren't saved to become saved. But my point is, it was worth the whole program knowing one person was interested in and heard the Gospel. Even if no one else heard the Gospel, I would do the whole program over again because each and every life matters.