Oh Lord, May I Obey You

Sometimes I am very good at listening.

Sometimes I am very bad at obeying.

I know and felt God calling me to read a poem that pointed back to Him and the Gospel tonight at a coffee house.

I even asked for prayer for it the previous night knowing that this was what I was supposed to do.

Tonight though, I tried to metaphorically run. I chickened out. I looked at the list of performers and there was one name written down. I looked around at the crowd and it was big. I got my coffee and my Mom and sister and I sat down and started playing a game. I had easily ignored what God was telling me to do. I could feel the guilt pricking at me and I was ignoring that. It wasn't until my loving sister and Mother prodded at me that I buckled up the courage and wrote my name down. I am thankful that they did that but ashamed that I had tried to ignore what God was telling me to do. I know I do that a lot. Whenever there are opportunities to share but could cost me embarrassment or judgement, my mind simply turns off the switch that says; "I am willing Lord and I will do it" to "Oh no Lord that's not what you want for me really".  That should not be my first response. My first response should be; "Lord, I see that this may be different than what I thought and could cost me a few moments of embarrassment and judgement but you are worth it and having these souls listening to Your words and truth and having the opportunity to spend an eternity with you when they die, is worth it." I am willing up until a point most times. I am willing until I am faced with something that terrifies me. And the thing is that I have no reason to be terrified either. What can mortal man do to me? I am a child of God, and a conqueror. Perfect love casts out fear. I have no reason to be afraid for my God is with me. I don't want to be a Jonah. 

I did end up reading my poem and it was hard.

But it was worth it.

And next time, I don't want my first reaction to be ignoring God when fear tries to creep in.

I want my reaction is to be trusting God and realizing that doing what He has asked me to do is worth it. And I want to do it right away. I don't want to "run" first and then come crawling back.

I know I am still human but tonight has made acutely aware of an area in my life that I need to work on and I need prayer for.

Sometimes I am very good at listening.

Sometimes I am very bad at obeying.

But I realize I want to be better at obeying.

Oh Lord, help me obey you.