But... yeah.

It's late.

I should sleep.

I got boba tea tonight and walked through sketch neighborhoods and survived and then acted like a tourist and watched the sun set over the water and admired rich houses and sang disney songs and walked through Target and hung out with friends and now I should go to bed.

But Rory and Jess, man.

Rory and Jess.

I get it.

I understand.

Their relationship was destructive.

He made bad choices.

I rooted for him,

but he made bad choices.

But still.

This sums it up but it still breaks my heart.

And yes, 

I know it's a tv show.

But...

but,

but.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAzXbGvKCHE

Watch it.

Because.

Yeah.

My mind is a forest

There are trees tall enough to keep my thoughts enclosed,
There are sometimes forest fires where my thoughts burn and smoke rises and words come out of my mouth to escape the fire.
There are dirt paths that guide me to where I need to be.
There is comfort inside my forest, but at night, the forest can be quite scary.
There are unwanted animals,
But there are also camp sites in which people stay and keep me company.
My mind is a forest.
I like it that way,
until there are bonfires.

Long Car Rides and Hotel Rooms and College Tours and Forests

Late night swims, heavily pillowed hotel beds, orange black spice tea, Leave it to Beaver, and luxurious sleep with the promise of waffles in the morning.

Okay Senior Year

Warner University, you're the one I'm going to finish up my Senior year of college at. Please, don't let me down.

The Day We Met

It was nearing on six o' clock. The air port was packed. I was excited for a couple of reasons. 1. I was waiting for my out of state friend to arrive and 2. There was a bookstore for me to casually browse while awaited her arrival. I walked through the crowded air port and entered the book store. I casually browsed starting from the left side of the store and planning to make my way to the right. I scanned through some books in the Autobiography section and a couple from the Fiction section but then I reached a section I happily lingered upon. It was the Classics. I scanned from top to bottom. I picked up the books I hadn't read yet and read their back covers, making mental notes of ones I had to read. I admired the ones I had read and loved. And then, I noticed you. You were right behind be. I awkwardly took a step back, noticing I was in the way and blocking the entire section. I read a back cover of a book when I saw you grab something from the top shelf. What was it that you reached for? The top shelf had some of my favorites on it. Was it The Great Gatsby? Pride and Prejudice? Little Women? I had to know. This could be my soul mate here. He grabbed the book without even reading the back. This wasn't a mere buy because he didn't know anything about it and was interested. This had to be because it was one of his favorites and he probably realized an opportunity to finally buy this book and grabbed it. As he moved pass the Classic section and towards the left, I put down the book I was mildly interested and tried to see the book's cover. Unfortunately, his book was tucked tightly underneath his arm and hidden from my view. So instead I briefly took in his appearance. He was tall, with short brown hair, skinny jeans and black boots. He wasn't my type and we weren't going to be soul mates. But sometimes I have what if moments and that was one of them. And regardless, I still wanted to know what book he picked. But alas, i had made my way to the right side of the room and browsed all the books. And so, I walked out the store with not so much as a glance behind me as I left.

So Many Futures

Throughout my life, my years, I've imagined so many different futures for myself. I have seen experiences and looked up places and watched videos of people doing things and I used to watch them and think; "That could be me." Then I would picture myself in their place and think of the things I would do. I had things planned out. I had things planned out. I can tell you what, my future and the things of my past are not things I had picked for me. When I was younger, I didn't want to go to Clearwater Christian College. I didn't have that planned out. But then God opened my eyes, and what a blessing that was to spend a year that God had planned out for me. Even now sometimes I get ahead of myself and pick a place and plan out what I'd do there. College searching has been rough, and I do wish sometimes that I could just know where I'm supposed to go and be done with it already. Because it's nice knowing. But there comes patience and trust in not knowing. I picked a place and I pictured myself there and it sounds like it's not going to be the place I am going. And maybe it's because, once again, it was a future I planned out for myself and not one God has planned for me. I don't know where I'll spend my next year in college yet. But I know that a lot of times I have been grateful that my planned out future wasn't my future. Even before the news of my college closing, I was planning what my unit would do and what devotions I would teach as dorm leader. I was planning what activities my best friend and I could do for the next year in Fall and Winter. When I heard this wasn't my future, this made me sad. But again, it reminded me about how temporary things are and how I'm not in control. Again, this future didn't pan out for a reason. I will see that reason someday. But for now, I need to be still. I need to quit planning my futures and I need to let God plan my future. If He takes me where I want to go, then that'll be great. But if not, He is still good. And His ways are higher than my ways.

Oh Colleges

This week has been an emotional journey.

Many tears, many laughs, a lot of confusion and overwhelming emotions.

I got to say goodbye to many of my CCC friends at their teach out fair.

But not a lot of teachouts at the fair seemed like plausible options.

I've been looking around and taking tours.

My friend came down.

And it's been stressful but I've also had some fun.

I got to get together with some friends and played games.

I got to ride a two story carousel.

I got to read the Bible with my friend and we prayed together for guidance and that helps a ton.

I got to see an incredibly huge Mall. 

I got to have a bonfire and smores.

My friends and my family and I played games.

We had chats.

I made a new friend.

There was a lot to this week.

I guess I've kind of felt like a baby this week.

I'm looking for a college to fit what I would like and I've been discouraged and sad and being at preschool it kind of reminds me of how good I had it as a kid. 

Being able to be held and drawn close.

Not really worrying about the future and what I should be doing or where I should be going.

I feel like I need a huge hug and held for a long long time.

But I am thankful.

Believe me, I am.

I love my family, my friends, and my Jesus.

And I have been beyond blessed and I know God will guide me and pull me through to where He wants me to be.