Five Feet Apart

Yesterday evening I watched this sappy and tear-jerking movie called "Five Feet Apart".

It was one of those movies where you look at the male lead actor and you sigh and you think to yourself;

"If only I could find someone who loved me like that."

In this movie the male lead actor says to the woman lead; "You're perfect."

Listening to him say this with so much honesty in his voice (for he truly believes what he's saying) and seeing him look at her with pure admiration made my heart swoon as I'm sure it did to all the females in the movie theater. 

I mean, who wouldn't want to be told that?

Well, actually, I started thinking about this and I thought over and over again about how greatly I'm not perfect.

That fictional character (had it been real), wouldn't have been perfect either.

She would have been a sinner just like the rest of us.

She would have made mistakes.

She would have gotten on his nerves and they would have argued and they would have fought.

Given him enough time, even if he thought she was perfect in the beginning, he would not think she was perfect in the end.

But that all being said,

I thought about how that's where true love actually begins.

It's when you realize that person is not perfect but full of imperfections and flaws and mistakes but you love them just the same.

You love that person through the imperfections.

And that, I believe is even more romantic.

Think about how easy it'd be to love a perfect person.

If I was in her shoes and I was told I was perfect while I was imperfect, 

I don't think I would like it very much.

For I know I'm not perfect and it'd be a lie.

I think I'd rather have my imperfections acknowledged and I'd much rather be loved in spite of them and through them than to be told the lie that I am perfect when I know I am most certainly not.

In conclusion,

I think I need to stay away from these type of sappy movies.

Why I Don't Wear Bikini's

To start off this blog post, I'm going to put out this disclaimer:

If you are a bikini wearer, this post is not meant to make you feel guilt or shame and it's not a post about me judging you if you wear one.

This post is written to explain myself and share my story and my reasons why I don't wear them.

I feel like I may step on some people's toes in writing this, but my purpose is to enlighten and not admonish. I hope I portray that correctly in my writing. 

That all being said, I love you guys, and here I go...

"Why don't you wear a bikini? If I was as skinny as you, I'd be showing off my body."

"You've got a good beach body; you should feel confident enough to wear a bikini."

These are things I hear from people. These are statements I get from them on the subject of what I wear to the beach or when I go swimming. So, I thought I'd address these statements and I thought I would address them to those who may be thinking them but not asking them.

Have I ever felt tempted to wear a bikini?

Yes.

A lot of the time actually.

I've seen the way guys react to girls wearing bikinis.

I've seen attractive guys give the glances of admiration and approval.

I've noticed that the girls who post pictures of themselves in bikinis get a significantly higher amount of likes on Instagram versus the girls who just post pictures of sunsets, or pictures of them making goofy faces with friends.

Is it tempting to do the same?

Yes.

Those exact mentioned statements are reasons why I don't.

I am just as beautiful of a girl when I don't wear a bikini and when I wear a swimsuit covering a larger portion of my body.

I don't need to show it off.

If I showed off more of my body, I know the sole purpose would be to get that attention and get those extra likes.

But the thing is that I know I don't need them.

For I am confident in who I am in Christ and that's only kind of confidence I really need.

In fact, if my attention is focused on getting guy's attention and approval, it ultimately makes me less confident and it takes my focus off of the one who matters most in my life.

As well as this, it also turns my attention to my outward appearance in which won't ever stay the same as it is now and it's not what I want a guy to notice me for.

I want a guy to notice me for who I am on the inside.

We're going to get old, people.

We're going to get gray hairs.

We're going to get wrinkles.

It won't be pretty.

Beauty is fleeting.

The inside is what counts.

But, what kind of statement would I be making when I wear a bikini to show off my body?

I'd be saying the exact opposite and beckoning guys to look at what's on the outside first.

I'd be beckoning girls to compare their bodies to mine.

I'd be setting an example for other girls to disregard their inward appearance and focus on the outward.

So, yes, I am tempted quite often to wear one and show off my body and get the attention plenty of other girls seem to get and I don't when I go to the beach.

I'm tempted when I see all the likes they get on their Instagram pictures at the beach.

I am tempted.

But, I disregard it every time because I am not trying to please myself but please Christ and bring glory to Him.

I know if I did otherwise, it would not bring Him glory for my attention would be focused on all the wrong things and not focused on Him or bringing glory to Him.

And in the end, I think I'd be giving myself this fake confidence that I'm only worth something when I get that kind of attention. I know I wouldn't always attract the type of guys I want to attract either;

The guys that do look at the heart and not just the body.

I hope this post didn't come across as judgmental, but explained my struggle and gave the answers to the questions I've gotten and will probably continue to get. I almost didn't write this for fear of the flack I might get in doing so, but I felt like it was worth sharing nonetheless for this is my story and my reasons and I felt like maybe some people feel the same way and needed to be encouraged as well.

The goodness of the Lord and the power of prayer

So, I sorta had a rough spot this week.

But, all in all, this week was amazing.

In small ways and large ways.

However, the large way was through the power of prayer.

I had a couple of prayer requests that were really weighing on my heart and I prayed for them earnestly and daily and they were answered this week.

And I just love seeing that.

Crazily, I also watched a sermon this past Thursday night that was about prayer.

But, there are no coincidences with God.

After the lesson on prayer, that very evening, I found out that one of my specific prayer requests for something that was happening on Wednesday, came true.

God is just so good, friends, so good.

Other small blessings:

I had an amazing Thursday starting off with meeting a couple of mine that I'm friends with and discussing details of their wedding that I got hired to photograph. Then my friend Heidi came over in which we went to young adult group, won some trivia, listened to an amazing lesson, got Chinese food, and came home and watched a movie. Next morning we awoke early to get some free coffee/tea drinks at a local coffee shop and decided to be adventurous by renting a jet ski for an hour and had an absolute amazing time in which we didn't even fall off. We ended our adventure with some Einstein bagels and coffee before we departed. Then to finish off my amazing Friday, we handed out fliers for a church program that some people and I help out with once a month and practiced a skit for the program. Today we had the program and even though there were small bumps in it, it was a huge blessing and a lot went well too. It was just a good day and a good week and God's been working on my outlook and working in my heart and He's so good, friends. So good.

Praise Him for the things He has done and the things He continues to do and pray boldly.

Where do I fit in?

I wish I fit in like a dog at the dog park but I am becoming more and more aware that I just don't.

I went for pie and coffee with a group of friends from my church and as I sat in my seat, although I didn't despise my time there, I began to realize how much I don't fit in with their group.

I was there and listening and adding in comments here and there.

But, the more I listened, the more I heard whispers shared between certain people and comments referring to some previous joke that I knew nothing of and there was even an incident that everyone referred to and was told/knew about.

That is, except for me.

I've known these people since I was 16.

But, I guess that doesn't mean I know them.

There were a couple of faces there whom I trust and do know me.

But, for the majority, we're just not on the same page.

They don't feel like sharing things with me.

I don't feel comfortable sharing things with them about me.

I don't like to be laughed at.

And sometimes I like to think that we're all friends and we can all have open conversations over a cup of coffee and a slice of pie but the more I reflect upon things, I think that perhaps it won't ever be that way.

I feel like I have nothing to contribute to their conversations that will seem of importance.

And I don't want to feel like that.

So, I don't suppose I fit in.

I'll sit there and be there, but I know I'm not truly there.

I don't know how to change that.

All I can say is; where do I fit in?

'Cause I'm having a hard time finding that out.

We wore the same sweaters and it felt snug

There's not a better feeling that finding out someone has felt the same way you feel.

That moment when your loneliness fades away like the sun melting into the nighttime sky.

When your problems suddenly seem to fall like the dead leaves now upon the ground.

Because, that's all you wanted.

Someone to be beside you.

Someone to relate to.

Someone who understands you.

Someone to feel how you feel.

Anxiety

A chokehold,

A 100 pound weight on my chest,

A sudden waterfall pressing on my eyes begging to drip down,

A creeping sensation crawling up and down my spine,

A whisper who has a deafening shout that only I can hear,

A prison.

Why are you there?

No one invited you.

And yet you walk around the room so confident like you own me.

You don't.

My savior Jesus Christ has set me free from you.

So, stop acting like you are a welcomed guest inside of me.

You're not welcomed.

I don't believe your lies.

So, the question remains...

Why are you here?

Bloom, bloom, bloom.

"All I wanted was a reassuring handshake and smile", she said.

But alas, there were no hands to shake and no smiles to give.

For the life she lived was a life of solitude and that is a life spent with a grave face and a dying heart.

It needed to be watered and it needed to bloom but it was left in a room without sunlight and that kept her heart from growing.

Maybe a heart can survive for a day or two without light, but it cannot live forever in darkness and it certainly cannot thrive.

So, dying heart and shaded sunflower, step into the light and shake the hands reaching out to you so ready to embrace and to hold you close with a million of smiles rooted and growing in an everlasting ray of joy.

Bloom.

Bloom.

Bloom.

Why do I write?

"Why do I write?", I ask myself.

I write because the monsters seem to run away when I do.

I write because the words are a bandage when my heart bleeds.

I write because the colors mix together like skittles instead of fading away like they do when I don't acknowledge that they are there.

I write because I don't feel invisible when I do.

I write because I might (might) just connect with someone else when the words on this page are read.

I write because writing can change the world and it can change me.

It has changed me.

For better or for worse;

I write.

Do you?

Why do you?

Even if it hurts

You don't know what you do,
but what you do breaks my heart everyday.

And I want you here everyday but I want you to love us and you don't.
And I don't want you here hurting us deeper and deeper,
So there's no answer.
I just want you to feel how we feel about you and I'm not sure that will ever be true.
So, I pray and pray and pray and wait and hope.

But hope- it can hurt.

Yet, I will continue until something changes.

I just don't want you to hurt us anymore.
And I want you to feel love because I'm not sure if you have loved before or are capable of it.
But you're apart of us whether you like it or not.
And we love you,
whether you like it or not.

So you break our hearts everyday because we love you.
And we can't stop doing that.
We won't stop doing that.

So, I pray and I wait and I hope.

And I will continue to do so until something changes.
Even if it hurts.

" breathing dreams like air " -- F.Scott Fitzgerald

Sometimes I wonder if dreams actually are made of paper because they sure seem to crumble pretty easily.

Yet, I still dare to dream anyways...

Yes, a dreamer I will always be.

A dreamer is rooted deep inside of me.

But sometimes I beg it;

please,

Set it all free.

Let the paper airplane dreams loose,

set it free.

Sometimes there isn't another option...

{Brick weighs more than my heavy heart/
But I'll take photographs and call it art.}

If there were words

It's been a year since I've seen you last;

The memory wounds still fresh from the past.

I know I should want to see you,

But secretly I don't want to.

If there were words to make you feel,

If there were words to make you heal,

If there were words (words of change);

But there aren't.

Nothing but a distant and stone cold heart.

I still think about you and always pray,

But I always struggle to find the words to say,

because what is there to say to someone who doesn't listen and doesn't care?

Someone who lives but isn't truly there?

I'm not sure.

But if there were words to make you feel,

If there were words to make you heal,

If there were words (words of change);

But there aren't.

Nothing but my bleeding heart.

So, I'll take it all and turn it into art.

Because I'm a poet and that's what poets do;

I'm just holding on to that someday where we will no longer be colored blue.

Let's talk about love

There are two very different kind of loves but I don't think people realize how beautiful both are.
A lot of people gush and talk about romantic love and I'm sure that is really and truly beautiful too.
However, I think people underestimate how beautiful a friendship love is.

The Bible says; "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." -- Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times.
How beautiful is that?
Honestly, although sometimes I wish to feel that romantic love, I am very satisfied with having the love that bonds me and other souls together in a way I cannot describe.

I am so thankful for friendship.

That being said, I think it hurts just as much as unrequited love when a friendship ends as well.

Because although romantic love is strong, I think a true friendship love is just as strong.

Maybe I'm wrong because I've never truly experienced a romantic love like how people describe and say it is. But I truly have felt love that is deep and true when it comes to the love I have for my friends. I don't know what I would do without the friends I have and I hope to never find out.

But when I invest in a friend, I invest all the way.

I will always be there for my friends so long as I can help it.

I will weep when they weep and rejoice when they rejoice.

And I will love.
So deeply.

And sometimes this means I will get hurt.

But I've come to realize that sometimes I have no choice but to get hurt.

And in the end, it will always be worth it.

Because the love I have for my friends will always run deep.

Loud rooms; quiet me

[A room full of people laughing and talking while I am quietly sitting there; can make one feel more alone than being by myself in my room ever could]

But it does give time for reflection.

Purple Hair; I actually do care

This week has been a nice beach day with taco bell and the best friend.

Crazy, busy kids but with crazy, beautiful souls.

Purple hair that matched my purple tea from Starbucks.

A long with some heartache too but you know what?

That's okay because heartache means I do care and I would rather care and hurt than to not care at all.

When we don't care, we start to lose ourselves and not in a good way.

May we always have the strength and courage to be kind and to care.

Even when it hurts.

Be a wildflower in this rose world.

We need more of them.

The Happiest Place on Earth

This past weekend was one of the best weekends of my life.
Everything was perfect.
Friday was a chill evening spent with nachos, spicy salsa and a quiet evening watching family movies/tv shows and catching up with everyone in my family.

Saturday was an impromptu trip to the Pierce Street market that had multiple vendors and crafts and samples and food and we had never been before. It was perfect weather and it was a perfect day. We got thai tea and I had a delicious smoothie and just everything was great.

Then on Saturday we decided to plan an even more spontaneous and grand plan to go to Disney's Magic Kingdom the following day. It was totally random and the best thing ever. In case you don't know this already, I am a HUGE Disney fan. It's one of my favorite places in the world to go. Not only this, but they were having an offer where for a discounted price you could visit three of Disney's park up until June. That being said, we're most likely going to go back and visit two other parks which I haven't been to since I was ten. So, it's more than a little exciting to me.

Sunday was full of magic. I got to go on my favorite rides, eat some of my favorite foods (mickey's pretzels man, mickey pretzels), meet extremely nice people, got souvenirs for friends and watched magical fireworks over the castle. It was also perfect weather and we got to breeze through some lines although it was crowded. It was just really great and I know we can't recreate memories but we sure can treasure them and I'll always treasure the memories created this weekend.

There's nothing in the world more magical than Disney.

All you need is a little faith, trust and pixie dust.

Here's a few photos I've uploaded, but you can bet there were plenty more. :)

Adventure - Roadtrips - Travel

I've got a wandering soul.

I really do.

Someday, if the Lord allows, I'd love to be a travel photographer.

See the sights, soak them in, have adventures, go out and truly live.

I want to bloom and grow with the flowers in the field, stretch and lengthen like the roads, be as still as the mountains, as free as the wind, larger than life like the elephants, as strong as my cup of coffees, and as beautiful as horses in the wilderness.

I want to be wild and lose myself to find it.

I want this adventure in the great wide some where.

And maybe I won't get the chance to.

But at least I can dream about it in case I do get to.

(listen to "Hopeless Wanderer" by Mumford in Sons to get wanderlust)

Don't forget what surrounds you.

Because it's beauty, friends.

That's what surrounds you.

Beauty.

(all pictures found on pinterest/

so thanks pinterest)

Hurting Hearts

A large portion of my life, I felt like I was always loving people more deeply than they loved me.

As I've grown older, I've learned not everyone can truly show how much they love the ones they love.

Some people have a harder time showing it.

I've also learned that sometimes people don't realize how much they love the ones they love until later in life when they look back and truly appreciate the people who have been there.

I think they always have loved those people but I don't think they realized how much they loved them or at least realized how much they needed to be shown that they were loved.

Love is always a tricky subject and one I'm still learning about every single day.

However, in getting rejected and shown that the love I had for some of my friends didn't match the love I had for them, my heart hurt and bled and grew a little gate around it.

Sometimes I still have to convince my heart to open it.

I think somewhere in the midst of realizing the different levels of love, I began to withdraw the love I had for them.  I loved them still the same but I stopped showing it as much. I think a part of me realized it would hurt to care or love them more than they loved me.

This is something I didn't really realize until recently but it's happened.

I realized it when I thought about writing one of those friends from awhile back and letting her know I missed her but then I hesitated because I didn't think she felt the same way.

But then I realized, what does that matter?

If I miss that friend, I should still tell her.

I should let her know I still love her and think about her because I do.

Even if she does not feel the same way back to me, that doesn't change the way I feel.

I still love her and I should not stop showing it just in case it's not reciprocated.

I think I was so used to being hurt by the lack of reciprocated love in different areas of my life, that I stopped being as willing to show my love in fear of the hurt.

That shouldn't matter though.

As I said, there are different ways people show love and some people won't appreciate it until later, but does that mean we withhold our love?

No.

We should love them more. 

More often than not, they need that.

Hearts may bend and twist in the process, but they won't actually break.

God's love is all I need and His love is boundless.

If God's love is in me, I should love in the same way.

And I'll let you in on a secret, Jesus was not and is certainly not always loved back but that does not stop Him from loving every single sinful and hateful human being on this earth.

Pour into me that love, Oh God.

May I only need yours and yours alone.

Hollow Men

["We are the hollow men
    We are the stuffed men
    Leaning together
    Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
    Our dried voices, when
    We whisper together
    Are quiet and meaningless
    As wind in dry grass
    Or rats' feet over broken glass
    In our dry cellar."]

---

This excerpt is from the poem "The Hollow Men" by T.S Eliot. The whole poem is extremely great and thought inducing so I highly recommend reading it although it's too long to post the whole thing here on my blog.

We are the hollow men.

Headpiece filled with straw.

Dried, meaningless voices.

It's a sad poem, yes.

But it's also quite vivid with imagery and also full of reality.

The world is full of hollow men.

Hollow people.

Scarecrows made only of straw.

Voices spouting words that mean nothing when they should mean something.

We are people in desert land skipping around the cactus.

There's a lot to this poem and a lot that resonate with me in this day and age.

We are a world full of self.

And self is craftily created for the sole purpose of "likes" and comments which symbolize popularity and determines our self-esteem.

We create life in the form of pictures, statuses and relationships and call it meaningful when it's not.

If I could only make it seem like I'm living the dream then I've made it in life... right!?

Wrong.

Just like the blemishes on my forehead, I'll take the blemishes of my life and touch it up with a bit of make-up and make believe.

That's what we're taught.

Smile.

Look like you're living a grander life than everyone else.

Look beautiful.

Be popular.

Be hollow.

This world is a mess.

The human race is a mess.

And we're hollow.

Don't become hollow.

Your life has meaning and His name is Jesus.

Seek Him.

Drink from His fountain of mercy and love.

Listen and obey His commands.

Take hold of the joy that is truly joy.

Leave this hollow world behind.

Leave it's fake and unsatisfying promises of happiness behind.

Sip joy and abound in it and abound in love.

Love is meaningful.

Take up your cross and follow Jesus.

Leave self behind.

It makes all the difference,

Trust me.

---

[The eyes are not here
    There are no eyes here
    In this valley of dying stars
    In this hollow valley
    This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms]

---

The world has nothing for you.

This hollow valley.

These lost kingdoms.

There's only one kingdom that is everlasting.

Hello, I am alive

Hey folks,

I know it's been awhile.

To tell you the truth, I've been sick for two weeks now and counting.

It started as the flu which turned into a sinus infection and now the antibiotics I'm on has kind of been messing with my stomach.

Today, though, thankfully, I've been feeling a bit better.

I think I just need to hang on until I'm finished with the antibiotics.

That all being said, I've kind of been worn out and tired and a hermit for awhile.

I've also been thinking a lot while being sick and I've got to say that I did not have the best attitude while being sick.

I kinda felt like I didn't really care about anything.

I didn't care about other people and how they were doing.

I didn't care about things I'd normally be excited for.

I just felt like a lazy blob just trying to make it through the work days and sleeping/resting when I wasn't.

I know to some degree, you do have to rest up and take care of yourself to get better.

But I guess the point is that I didn't really pay attention to other people, just myself.

And kinda just complained and was annoyed that I was sick.

I know it's probably a normal thing to go through that, but looking back I'm thinking that maybe I failed a trial of mine. Because we still have a choice with how we act when we feel crappy and I wasn't really acting very nice. I was just being self-centered and kind of making excuses because I was sick.

I don't know, I guess there's not a huge point to this except that I was not relying on God's strength very well through this sick period and I wish I could go back and change that but I can't. So, I'm just going to try to hang on and rely on God's strength through the rest of it and work on not complaining and work on caring about other people than myself no matter how I feel.