Green

I'm feeling green today.
And green is a pretty color.
But I'm not supposed to be green.
I'm supposed to be flesh colored.
Not green.
But green is covering my skin and flooding my veins.
I shouldn't be green.
It's a sin.
I need to change.
I don't like how this feels.
I'm sorry for being green today.
Lord, help me not to be green tomorrow.
Help me to stay flesh colored and level headed.
I'm sorry.
Focus my eyes on You and no one else around me.
Help me.

In Huge Waves

The thing is I know I only have a month left.
A month before my new life starts.
And I know it's coming in huge crashing waves...

And that's all I can say about it right now.

So many, so short, so sure

Blue. Green. Grey.

Red. Yellow. Grey.

Black. White. Grey.

So many colors, so many people, so many lives.

So short, oh so, short of time.

So many headaches, so short of love, so sure of wrongs and rights.

I don't know.

I don't know

I don't kno

Idon'tknow...

...

....

...

tell

me

a

story

tell

me

a

song

tell

me

how

do

we

tend

to

find

all

the

faults

and

all

the

wrongs

tend

to

mess

up

all

the

songs

tend

to

take

way

too

long

to

say

i

will

to

say

i

do

to

say

i

love

you

because

guess

what

i

love

you

but

your

love

is

not black

not white

but

grey

and

i

don't

have

words

left

to

say

so

good

day

...

....

...

Blue. Green. Grey.

Red. Yellow. Grey.

Black. White. Grey.

"I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape." -- Charles Dickens

You know how people like to say; 

"Everything's going to be alright."

Or maybe;

"Things will get better."

Sometimes people will even promise that.

Well, that's not always true in this world.

Sometimes nothing is alright.

Sometimes things won't get better in this life.

Sometimes the world will be a volcano.

And some people will get burned in the hot, fiery embers.

And sometimes all the burns won't be healed.

Here.

In this life.

For some,

sadness might swallow them.

They may have trouble fully letting go of it.

In this life.

So, these cliches, they may seem a bit annoying.

How're you going to promise a cancer patient that she will be alright when you don't know if she will be here in this life?

In this world?

How're you going to tell a homeless person that things will get better when that person could spend the rest of their life homeless?

We don't know if things will get better or everything is going to be alright during our stay here on earth.

The good news is;

The things of this earth will not be the things of Heaven.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

-- Revelation 21:4

Our life here might not go okay, there may be many many pain and suffering for us to face.

But in Heaven, everything is going to be alright.

Things will be way better.

For those who accept Jesus Christ as their Savior who died on the cross to take away our sins that condemns us, we will be okay and things will get better for us in Heaven.

But, don't promise us a better life on earth.

Because earth is not our home and our life on earth is always going to be tainted with sadness, suffering and sin.

So, it's not comforting to tell me that my life here is going to be okay.

I know it might not be.

But the beautiful thing is I have hope that is eternal and my mind is set on things above and my soul does not belong to this earth.

So I rest in that.

Not a better life on earth.

A better life in Heaven.

Spriiiing Breeeeaaakkk

So, I haven't written in just about a week and I apologize.

Things have been a little busy again.

Thankfully I am on spring break now so I won't have school to worry about but I still plan to fill up my spring break and catch up with friends and family.

So, I can't promise a lot of posts but I'll try to write when I can.

This weekend I traveled back home, I went to a wedding, had friends over, went to church, put on a bible program for kids, went to our church's coffeehouse event, and went out for more coffee with another friend.

Today has been a bit more relaxed but I still went to the dentist, a cute coffee shop and a stroll in the park (since I live in FL the weather was actually quite nice). 

So, already Spring Break has been eventful.

(sidenote: graduation is in like four weeks or so and I'm starting to freak out just a little bit)

So, there's not a whooole lot to this post but I can say I'm so thankful for this break and the future is crazy scary but exciting and that's all I got.

Tell me about your spring break, won't ya?

At least I'm pretty, right?

so i covered up my scars with foundation

am i pretty now?

i wore that red lipstick you told me you liked

am i desirable now?

am i wanted now?

am i loved now?

my temper is short

i keep records of your wrongs

i am envious

i judge people everyday

i don’t reach out to those in help

i look down on those who do not meet the world’s standards like i did

but i wore my new high heels

and i painted my eyelids with colors

so am i good now?

so am i valuable now?

am i liked now?

am i worth your attention now?

because you didn’t hear what i had to say yesterday

you couldn’t look me in the eye yesterday

you didn’t know i existed yesterday

but i got your attention now…

you don’t appreciate my soul

you don’t know my hard to hear secrets

you don’t want to get to know my family

you don’t know that i struggle with lonliness

that i love dogs

that i will always sing to les miserables

but that’s not what love is about though

and

i shouldn’t care because i am worth your attention now

because

i’m

pretty

and

that’s

all

that

matters

right?

that’s

all

you

need

to

know

right?

that’s

all

i

need

to

be

right?

if i am more

who cares?

if i am less?

who cares?

at

least

i’m

pretty

right?

I covered up my acne, am I pretty now?

I am not an extreme feminist or anything but I'm going to speak my mind right now on a big issue in our today's society. It's not fair to put so much value and importance on the need to be beautiful. know it goes with both guys and girls, but right now I am speaking from a woman's point of view (since I am one and all) and society puts way to much pressure and value on how the female identity is associated with being beautiful. To be a girl we need to put on loads of make-up. We need to shave our legs. We need to paint our nails. We need to look nice. This is what society tells us. This is what society values: our beauty. Now, sometimes I do too. Sometimes I care about being about being pretty more than I'd like to admit. I get annoyed with myself though when I do think this way especially because I would never want any other female to feel this way. That our looks are all that matter. That females need to be beautiful and attractive to have any merit. I don't want them to feel that because outward beauty is not where true merit lies. That being said, I don't even know why we view being pretty as an ultimate compliment! Because the truth is that being kind, being loyal, being caring and being a Godly woman are all things that are so much better than being pretty. The inside. That's what counts.

 So why do we feel obligated to look pretty?

 Why do we put so much focus on it?

 I don't know. 

But,

 I 

don't

 like

 it. 

W e  s h o u l d n ' t  need to be pretty to get a guy's attention.

 W e  s h o u l d n ' t  need to be pretty to be liked. 

W e  s h o u l d n ' t  need to be pretty to feel confident about our self. 

We shouldn't. 

Something to think about.

 Something to challenge us. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I have phases where I kind of lose myself a little.
I don't mean to but it happens.
I get caught up in the world and I lose myself.

It's happened to me again.
I think that's why I'm lacking in creativity and wanting to blog.
I lost myself a bit and my thoughts were focused on something not really worth my time.
So, I'm trying to change that.

I know we don't really deserve anything.

But I also know I should focus on fixing some things about myself.
I know I should spend a little more time shaping me.
I know I should spend more time on who God wants me to be instead of focusing on things that just distract me and make me feel things I shouldn't be feeling.

So, yeah, there's that.
I hope it won't take too long until I am back to myself.
I know there's a lot going on and happening right now.

Everything's about to change in less than two months when I stroll on up to shake hands and move the tassel in a cap and gown and receive my diploma leaving school for what might be forever.

And that's scary.

But I don't want that to keep me from living my life and living in the moment now.

One Day

One day I woke up with memories on my pillow,
and my dreams no longer tasted like coffee beans,
and my unruly hair no longer set the caged birds free,
and I brushed my teeth with toothpaste that felt like the wind and looked the shade of evergreen.

One day I woke up and started to run,
remembering how the sun beat down on my back and screamed the color red,
remembering how the body and muscles used to ache more than my heart did,
remembering how running didn't feel like running from my past.

One day I woke up,
and I felt different.
Because I was different.
I am different.
Each day when I take a new breath, I am different.
Some new thought has entered my brain, some new sentences I have read, some new thing I have seen.

Some things are no more in me,
they're just memories.
Some things will always be,
someday you'll see.

I'm Still Here

I'm Still Here,
i said.
i said it because I think you forgot.
somewhere in the midst of talking to me,
in the midst of encouraging me to find my dreams,
somehow,
somewhere,
sometime,
someday,
 i think you forgot.

I'm Still Here,
i said.
i'm still here for you,
i still believe in you too,
i still breath in words like oxygen,
i know i am still covered in endless amounts of sin,
but God is working in me again and again.

I'm Still Here,
i whispered.
i'm still the same me that i was,
i still do the same things because,
i'm still living my life and i thought you liked that,
i thought that's why you came and sat,
next to me,
talking to me,
believing in me,
seeing me...

i am still here,
i am still me,
i am still,
i-


Are You Still Here,
i wonder.
were you ever here?
i wonder.
because each time i ponder,
i come up with no answers,
everything i know, everything i knew is just a blur.
was i blinded by how i felt,
blinded by your smile,
did i miss the fact?
that all the while,
you act like you cared
but you were never there...
so how can you still be here if you never were...
i am still me,
but i guess i was never her.

Days Go By

Life update: it's been going.

I guess I haven't written in awhile because there's just so much and I don't want to miss life when writing about life.

Lately, I've been documenting in different ways.

In smiles, in articles, in laughs, in hugs, in pictures.

I'll catch you up a it though on the good things only though.

Because there's enough bad things in life and guess what? I got through the bad.

It's over and done with... 

sooooooooo moving on.

This week was a week of many things.

I went mattress surfing down the stairs.

I had my first improv drama show.

I watched Hotel Translyvania and ate donuts.

I went to Paint Wars where I was covered from head to toe in, yes you guessed it, paint.

I am working in school and learning things and reading and gaining knowledge.

I am growing in friendships, in God, and in life.

This weekend was our missions conference full of a ladies luncheon, a world cup soccer tournament, a cookout, and a chance to hear from many missionaries all over the country who spoke at our church about what they've been doing and what's going on in the world and we finished the conference weekend with an international potluck.

It actually has been a good week in spite of some challenges I faced.

And that's what has been going on in life.

Hopefully I will write more and be inspired more,

but hey,

if I don't,

just assume it's because I've been enjoying life.

Because I'd like to think that's what I am doing.

And if I'm not,

hopefully,

I am growing.

Hey diddy, Hey diddy

The grass,
not green,
The hope,
not blue,
The love,
not seen,
He
=
not you.