But... yeah.

It's late.

I should sleep.

I got boba tea tonight and walked through sketch neighborhoods and survived and then acted like a tourist and watched the sun set over the water and admired rich houses and sang disney songs and walked through Target and hung out with friends and now I should go to bed.

But Rory and Jess, man.

Rory and Jess.

I get it.

I understand.

Their relationship was destructive.

He made bad choices.

I rooted for him,

but he made bad choices.

But still.

This sums it up but it still breaks my heart.

And yes, 

I know it's a tv show.

But...

but,

but.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAzXbGvKCHE

Watch it.

Because.

Yeah.

My mind is a forest

There are trees tall enough to keep my thoughts enclosed,
There are sometimes forest fires where my thoughts burn and smoke rises and words come out of my mouth to escape the fire.
There are dirt paths that guide me to where I need to be.
There is comfort inside my forest, but at night, the forest can be quite scary.
There are unwanted animals,
But there are also camp sites in which people stay and keep me company.
My mind is a forest.
I like it that way,
until there are bonfires.

Long Car Rides and Hotel Rooms and College Tours and Forests

Late night swims, heavily pillowed hotel beds, orange black spice tea, Leave it to Beaver, and luxurious sleep with the promise of waffles in the morning.

Okay Senior Year

Warner University, you're the one I'm going to finish up my Senior year of college at. Please, don't let me down.

The Day We Met

It was nearing on six o' clock. The air port was packed. I was excited for a couple of reasons. 1. I was waiting for my out of state friend to arrive and 2. There was a bookstore for me to casually browse while awaited her arrival. I walked through the crowded air port and entered the book store. I casually browsed starting from the left side of the store and planning to make my way to the right. I scanned through some books in the Autobiography section and a couple from the Fiction section but then I reached a section I happily lingered upon. It was the Classics. I scanned from top to bottom. I picked up the books I hadn't read yet and read their back covers, making mental notes of ones I had to read. I admired the ones I had read and loved. And then, I noticed you. You were right behind be. I awkwardly took a step back, noticing I was in the way and blocking the entire section. I read a back cover of a book when I saw you grab something from the top shelf. What was it that you reached for? The top shelf had some of my favorites on it. Was it The Great Gatsby? Pride and Prejudice? Little Women? I had to know. This could be my soul mate here. He grabbed the book without even reading the back. This wasn't a mere buy because he didn't know anything about it and was interested. This had to be because it was one of his favorites and he probably realized an opportunity to finally buy this book and grabbed it. As he moved pass the Classic section and towards the left, I put down the book I was mildly interested and tried to see the book's cover. Unfortunately, his book was tucked tightly underneath his arm and hidden from my view. So instead I briefly took in his appearance. He was tall, with short brown hair, skinny jeans and black boots. He wasn't my type and we weren't going to be soul mates. But sometimes I have what if moments and that was one of them. And regardless, I still wanted to know what book he picked. But alas, i had made my way to the right side of the room and browsed all the books. And so, I walked out the store with not so much as a glance behind me as I left.

So Many Futures

Throughout my life, my years, I've imagined so many different futures for myself. I have seen experiences and looked up places and watched videos of people doing things and I used to watch them and think; "That could be me." Then I would picture myself in their place and think of the things I would do. I had things planned out. I had things planned out. I can tell you what, my future and the things of my past are not things I had picked for me. When I was younger, I didn't want to go to Clearwater Christian College. I didn't have that planned out. But then God opened my eyes, and what a blessing that was to spend a year that God had planned out for me. Even now sometimes I get ahead of myself and pick a place and plan out what I'd do there. College searching has been rough, and I do wish sometimes that I could just know where I'm supposed to go and be done with it already. Because it's nice knowing. But there comes patience and trust in not knowing. I picked a place and I pictured myself there and it sounds like it's not going to be the place I am going. And maybe it's because, once again, it was a future I planned out for myself and not one God has planned for me. I don't know where I'll spend my next year in college yet. But I know that a lot of times I have been grateful that my planned out future wasn't my future. Even before the news of my college closing, I was planning what my unit would do and what devotions I would teach as dorm leader. I was planning what activities my best friend and I could do for the next year in Fall and Winter. When I heard this wasn't my future, this made me sad. But again, it reminded me about how temporary things are and how I'm not in control. Again, this future didn't pan out for a reason. I will see that reason someday. But for now, I need to be still. I need to quit planning my futures and I need to let God plan my future. If He takes me where I want to go, then that'll be great. But if not, He is still good. And His ways are higher than my ways.

Oh Colleges

This week has been an emotional journey.

Many tears, many laughs, a lot of confusion and overwhelming emotions.

I got to say goodbye to many of my CCC friends at their teach out fair.

But not a lot of teachouts at the fair seemed like plausible options.

I've been looking around and taking tours.

My friend came down.

And it's been stressful but I've also had some fun.

I got to get together with some friends and played games.

I got to ride a two story carousel.

I got to read the Bible with my friend and we prayed together for guidance and that helps a ton.

I got to see an incredibly huge Mall. 

I got to have a bonfire and smores.

My friends and my family and I played games.

We had chats.

I made a new friend.

There was a lot to this week.

I guess I've kind of felt like a baby this week.

I'm looking for a college to fit what I would like and I've been discouraged and sad and being at preschool it kind of reminds me of how good I had it as a kid. 

Being able to be held and drawn close.

Not really worrying about the future and what I should be doing or where I should be going.

I feel like I need a huge hug and held for a long long time.

But I am thankful.

Believe me, I am.

I love my family, my friends, and my Jesus.

And I have been beyond blessed and I know God will guide me and pull me through to where He wants me to be.

But maybe they aren't quite,

that endless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But God, He has a plan and a possibility out there for me.

But if you think about it,

the possibilities really are endless

Meet Me Under the Maple Tree

We'll write letters and place them in our mason jar time capsules and bury them in the ground.

Meet me under the maple tree,

And I'll whisper things like I love you and We'll be friends forever and other beautiful sounds.

Meet me under the maple tree,

Where we'll be young 'till the ends of our days and experience the life we have to live.

Meet me under the maple tree,

Where kindness is all we have to offer, and all we know how to give.

Meet me under the maple tree,

Where we sealed our pinky promised secrets.

Meet me under the maple tree,

Where time had not yet granted us regrets,

Meet me under the maple tree,

Where two girls next door would run all day.

Meet me under the maple tree,

Where we'd always be friends because there was no other way.

Meet me under the maple tree,

That good old safe haven filled with memories.

Meet me under the maple tree,

Where we stayed me and you, you and me.

But in the end,

we didn't,

no,

not really.

Change crept in.

and we hadn't seen the tree or each other in over a year.

When I visited that old tree of ours,

It was not there, 

It was gone.

For trees, like friends, can also disappear. 

Nourish your friendships,

Dig seeds in the ground.

Make sure the roots are strong,

And your bond is bound.

All In Moments Stored in my Head

Last night was sparklers and midnight swimming. 

Sleepovers, talking, and tea.

Today was cinnamon rolls for breakfast and spongebob squarepants because there isn't a better show to watch with breakfast.

It was puppies galore.

It was multiple Sam's Club samples.

It was dinner and Leave it to Beaver.

It was tea and lights and a cozy night.

Keep counting your dreams and maybe one day they will come true.

Maybe, but only if they look good on you.

If that didn't make you smile, or grin a little, or make you a teeny bit happy inside,

I don't know what will.

More water droplets, pizza, and a coffee shop.

Yesterday was another summer filled day.

Waterslides,

Westshore pizza,

pumpkin spice lattes,

and gilmore girls with my best friend.

Today is my Mother's birthday,

Greek food for lunch,

shopping, 

going out for dessert,

games,

an improv show,

and a sleepover,

These couple of days have been swell.

Some light among this past week of stress and trying to find a new college.

"It's been four years since weathertop..."

In Lord of the Rings, the last one, the four hobbits finally get to go home. They set out together and they go home together but they didn't stay together throughout the whole journey. Each hobbit suffered and went through stuff and grew and learned lessons by themselves out there. And then they come back. And there's this scene when they're in hobbiton and everything else is the same there. Everyone is happy and cheerful and wonderful. And the hobbits sit there and look around obviously different. And then they grab a drink and toast to each other. Shortly after that scene one gets married and a few years later, one moves away. For me, I know this is different, but it makes me think of my friends from my church. We were young, youthful beings. We grew there and were tight. But then, we kinda ventured out. We went on seperate journeys. But we all also return. However, returning sometimes feel like that scene where nothing else has changed around the hobbits, but the hobbits have changed. We can't recreate the past. We all have individually grown and changed in one way or another. It's strange. And sometimes people leave the group for good. And some are going or have gotten married. It's all different and only in matter of a few year time span. When you're in the beginning moments, you think it'll last forever. Being young and making waffles in the fellowship hall and playing kickball or soccer. Nights where you can stay later and you want to and are excited to be allowed to. And then fast forward and you're older and you'll go to village inn or Buffalo Wild Wings together and drink sodas and toast to each other on occasion but you won't go back to waffle making and kickball and wanting to stay later even though you actually can do that on a regular basis now.

---

Some of us try to, but everyone learns eventually that;

You can't pick up the threads to an old life.

---

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.”

 -- Lord of the Rings

We came all this way//but now is the day// to bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

---

So, as I mentioned before.

My college closed down.

I leave very many memories in that place and in my heart.

I know a new adventure awaits me though.

You can refuse change,

but there's no use to that really.

So, I'm accepting that a new chapter awaits me and saying goodbye to the old one.

You know how usually when something drastic happens, like a breakup or just something big,

people will get a new hair cut or hair style or hair color or whatever.

Well, I've never done that before.

But my friend pointed out the fact that it is Summer,

A time for something crazy and adventurous.

And so we tried to dye the ends of hair with koolaid since it'd be temporary and not long lasting.

And what do you know,

it worked.

So, I embraced change with change.

I didn't really think about it that way until after I did it... but hey.

I want to wish CCC a proper goodbye though.

So, I grabbed some pictures, some good quality and memorable ones and some that are just kinda ridiculous and not even good quality pictures but that are still memorable to me.

I want to look back at this post someday and be reminded of this place that stole my heart and was a second home to me for a year.

The friendships that like seeds grew into flowers.

Small things that changed my life in ways I don't even fully understand yet.

From SPC to CCC, it was a huge difference and I loved it.

But I guess like Bilbo said; "I think I am quite ready for another adventure."

It's sad to leave, but finding another college, well who knows what it has in store for me.

Who knows what friendships I'll make,

who knows what growth it has for me.

But now, I'll give you my fond farewell CCC.

Thanks for the memories. <3

I'll always love you.

From late night walks, christmas parties, chikfila free coffee, rainy days, library study sessions, dunkin donuts runs/hw dates, birthday surprise dinners, railroad track adventures, unit dance parties, unit pool days,gazebo picnics, class outings, drama club skits, drama club serving, beach days, mall scavenger hunts, brushing of curly hair, convocation, safety harbor festivals, city light views, early morning sunrises, starbucks runs, robert's christmas world fun, harvest festivals, goodbye parties, oxford exchange trips, checkers late night runs, pumpkin photo shoots, and many many many more. I could spend the whole night writing a novel of my times and adventures but I've documented a lot of them already through the months here on my blog. I know because I revisited those old posts earlier today being reminded of some of my unphotographed memories and adventures.

You've certainly been a grand adventure CCC,

and I have so much more to say,

but I don't know what else to say.

Goodbye. <3

My heart hurts

My college is closing and I feel homeless in a way. That school became a home to me. The people, the place, the teachers, the drama club, the Greek I was in. I had so many connections, so many people I love there and may never see again, and so many adventures and memories and I thought I had another year of that. I guess the truth is that time is short. We never know how much time we have to spend with someone or at some place. I didn't know this until today and I definitely didn't see it coming. But God is good. I know I'll find someplace else but I don't feel ready to say goodbye. I'm not ready for more change. I want to stay cradled in a place I have grown to live amongst people I love and people serving the God I love. But I know God is in control and He has different plans for me. I know I must trust Him. But my heart still hurts.

Oh, Mr. Cat T-shirted Christmas Sweater Wearing Music Junkie Indie Looking Mister Sir

 

 I remember you, and the girlish childish crush I had on you.

You showed off in roller skates and looked back at me and I felt blood running to my cheeks.

You tried to include me in games and I scored a touch down in football- you couldn't catch me.

You corrected my Beatles miss-written song lyrics in my status.

You complimented my jacket that one time.

I beamed from ear to ear.

I remember running into you at the music store and I was freaking out.

 

Then, I didn't see you.

I got over my crush.

And we didn't talk.

 

But then I saw you working in Publix a year or two ago.

No longer a fourteen/fifteen year old but an eighteen/nineteen year old.

Grown and different,

with my hair in a braid.

And we talked a little.

But I didn't think much of it.

 

But today, I'm wondering about you.

 

It seems like you are still a music junkie.

You still got that boyish face and big grin.

You seem like a little Indie kid, but not a kid, an adult.

It's funny because I don't know you anymore.

But you don't seem to have strayed far from who you once were.

At least you don't look like you have.

And me.

Well,

I don't know if I am who I thought I would be.

I think I'm more than I thought I would be.

And, not in a bragging sense.

It's just I guess I really had no idea where I'd be in life.

I didn't have much of an idea or direction.

And I didn't really give my talents credit.

I think I just floated as a mere teen concentrating on finishing school

and as the typical fourteen/fifteen year old I was, I concentrated on surviving crushes.

It was really a ridiculous crush.

I didn't even know you that well.
I still don't even know you that well.

But somebody remembered me crushing on you, and that made me remember you.

 

I hope you're doing well,

 just like I wish that for whoever I recall from my past.

 

I guess I feel endeared to people I once knew.

Even if things ended rocky, or they ended on good terms.

Every interaction helped built me.

And I hope you're doing well.

 

 

 

 

And what a flammable heart I've been given...

Remember what I said in my last post? Well I'm still measuring those rain drops. It basicalled rained a lot today. But that's okay- I enjoyed it once again. I enjoyed it while I gazed upon it from inside of starbucks drinking a cup of joe while catching up for 2 and a half hours with an old friend and mending broken fences and patching up old wounds from the days of our youth while explaining how our new adult lives have been and discussing our hopes and dreams of the future. I enjoyed it while I heard it tapping on the roof right before I fell asleep curled up in my blankets. I enjoyed it when I awoke and plugged in my colored lights around my bed and listened to my Spring Awakening mix made by a beautiful friend of mine. I've had a good day. And I'm thankful for my life. And I'm thankful for growth. I'm thankful that we can learn from our youth. I am thankful.

I'll measure my summer in water droplets

The ones coming off of my skin and into my towel as I emerge from the water of a pool surrounded by lights at night. The ones clinging on to my hair as I leave the party and run to the car as a thunderstorm falls upon me. The ones from the ocean waves that I'll visit numerous times and the many more afternoon or evening thunderstorms (short or long) that visit me. Water is something that Summer is full of in many shapes and forms over the Summer in FL. Including in sweat droplets.