If the moon wasn't so big

Hey eyes were somber stars, stranded on the moon while searching for mars.

You can't write a tune like that away, she said as night transformed into darkened day.

I'll close my eyes and see colors again, I'll think of how my life might have been.

If the moon wasn't so big and my dreams weren't so large,

 maybe my starry eyes wouldn't be so somber,

 maybe I'd find my mars.

So how should I presume?

"For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?                                                                               ---

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was soccer, a purple toenail, guests (lots of them but not too many because there is no such thing), a feast, lots of singing, old memories and new, catchphrase, loaded questions, coffee, pies, friends, family, an evening walk, lots of laughter, a grand ole time.


Tonight I will remember it as the night of multiple coffee cups, stale donut holes, christmasy feelings, pancakes, a gigantic Christmas tree, downtown lights, cold weather, a beautiful horse pulling carriages, and late night grocery shopping.


These are the days to remember. These are the nights. This is living.

I've seen the world she said; In my dreams that reach me when I go to bed. The colors whirl in my head. Black and White, White and Black, and Red.

There are...

people who try to make other people laugh because they know what it's like to go through a period of time without being able to laugh and they don't want others to go through that...


people who try their best to love everyone they can because they know they went through a period of time where it must have been hard for other people to love them, and yet they did...


people who listen to others even when others are annoying and don't stop talking because they know what it's like to feel like they have no voice, and what it's like to be ignored and put on the bottom shelf...

There are people who try their best to shield others from the cruelty of the world and I respect those people.

There was a time...

When I felt beauty was measured on the outside and in make-up, hair styles and pounds.
When I felt social acceptance was measured in how many guys liked you or whether or not the friends you hung out with were popular or not.
When I felt like my body was a cage, not a temple.
When I felt like grades were markers of how smart you were or weren't.
When I felt like compliments were lies, and degrading remarks were truth.
When I felt like the standards were always too high to reach even if I was standing on my tippie toes.


When I felt like a maintenance worker who failed at her job because she couldn't fix other people's problems.




There was a time when I listened to society's loud, distracting yells and ignored the quiet, calm, whispers of truth from God.




But I am ever so thankful that this was a time of the past.

Our soul is a collection of thoughts

Thoughts flow out of our brains all the time,
but do we really think about what we're thinking?
Or do we only think about what we're saying?


I think we need to think about what we're thinking about.
Our soul is a collection of thoughts.
I don't want my soul to consist of rust, rats, and rubbish.
I want it to consist of whatever is right, pure, true, noble,lovely and admirable. (Philippians 4:8)


I want my soul to be consumed with You, Oh Lord, and my thoughts to echo Your name.

Rhythm and Rhymes

I'll let the waves pass as the shore flickers green, and blue, and the sand gleams colors brighter than me.


I'll let the words we once held melt as the fires burn our walls down.


I'll let the violins in my head pierce the strings of time as you whisper to me rhythms and rhymes.


Rhythms and rhymes, that are no more.
A blank page pasted against a black door.


I'll let the hands drop by my side as the weight of us drowns.


It seems neither you or I were fit to wear our crowns.


What should I tell my sister, my brothers, my friends?


Tell me, surely, you and I have not come to the end...


Rhythms and rhymes, that are no more.
Just a blank page pasted against a black door.

I am not myself today

I do not know who I am.
Maybe I am a cowboy who defeats the robbers and bandits in Texas.
Maybe I am an alien awaiting my alien friends to take me back to Mars.
Maybe I am a librarian who kindly reminds people to return their books on time.
Maybe I am a fairy and I am flying through the sky glowing and growing in dark places.
Maybe I am just an ant in a huge city.
Maybe I am a puzzle, I still have yet to figure out.
I do not know who I am.


I felt confident of who I was yesterday.
Today, I do not know.


Maybe it's lack of sleep.
Maybe it's the stress of all these weighing assignments.
Maybe it's the cold weather.
Maybe...
it's just growing.


Alice was completely right in saying there's no use going back because yesterday she was a different person than from what she was today.


I feel like I change a lot, but I also stay the same.


'Cest La Vie.

I rest in Your Word and Your Plans for me my Lord.
Give my soul patience and comfort, please.
I need it, I need you.

Merry and Bright and Late Nights

Peaceful views, freezing air, walks down the pier, hot cocoas in hand, stories and catching up, chilling (literally) in a pickup truck, late night appetizers with a group of friends and drinking coffee (like always), conversations and lots of laughter.

November, is actually acting like November.

Novembre

Some nights are popcorn, Frozen, singing, talking, cold nights and some days are freezing, extra cup of coffee, not enough sweaters, jumping up and down kind of days.


I like it.

Rain Drops and Coffee Breath

Eyes like the way the stop lights gleam on wet streets.
Oh, oh,
 Coffee breath and rain drops.
Make this feeling stay/make this feeling stop.


Words,
Words,
Words;


are words.


But feelings...


are stories.






A novel is swirling inside of me.

Crumple up the pieces of her heart as you walk away.
You won't look back, pretending as if you are okay.
Maybe you don't realize the jewel that you lost,
But one day you will when you add up the costs.
But you don't toy with a heart like that.
You just don't toy with a heart like that.


She was gold, you were rust.
You treated her like she was a maybe, when she was a must.
You didn't even deserve a minute that you got with her.
The broken heart she never should have had to endure.
Angry words won't do a thing, won't change a soul.
But I wish it would make you see, make you pay your toll.
I wish it would erase the damage you have done,
Erase the damage that you've done.


Because you don't mess with a heart of gold.
And maybe angry words do make the youth grow old,
but you just don't mess with a heart of gold.

"Shout to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever!"

Joy.


Joy is such a precious word. It needs to be cradled and held and nurtured. It needs to be rocked and loved and taken care of.


I've had so much joy in the past two days, and I'm taking care of it. Because joy is a precious and beautiful gift so when you have moments of joy, they should be kept away in the corners of your mind where you can keep it forever and take it out to entertain you on rainy days.


Thursday was WaWa's runs, singing of Hunchback of Notre Dame, girl talk, seeing the beautiful view of the causeway on the balcony at night, running up and down stairs belting love is an open door and acting as if we were in a musical, a walk with another friend, drama club and improve and more laughter, a ridiculous video of "the gift of the magi".


Friday was classes, lunch with new friends, congregating before Spanish, Starbucks run with the sister and two other friends, pictures in the cold weather with cups of coffee, another fun walk with friends and more creative picture taking, enjoying the weather and goofing off with friends. Then my friend Lauren and I went over to another friends' house for a party full of pizza, cookies, and xmen watching. Then Lauren stayed the night with me and we acted out animal farms with animal figurines, and talked late into the night and painted nails.


These are the moments I want to tuck away into my brain.

Courage, Dear Heart

To say the beginning of this week was a bit emotional would be kind of an understatement.


But to say it was good, would also be an understatement.


This week was so many things to me. It was hard work, coffee, laughter (lots of it), adventures (lots of them), spontaneity (lots of it), airsoft, so much studying, test taking, testimony writing, skit rehearsing, bike riding, late night checkers run, casually fabulousness, life, learning of people's stories (the stuff that counts and matters, the things woven into their soul), a lot of resistance but not a lot of giving in. It was good. Really good.


Today, our drama team got to go to a highschool and I, a long with two other people, did get to share our testimony. It was not fun, by any means. It's nerve wracking and you hate to say the words coming out of your mouth... but you have to. And it helps people, it really does. After our presentation, I had a girl come up to me and give me 5 hugs and tell me how I impacted her and made a difference in her life and how she was struggling with the same things I used to and that I made her day. That was extremely rewarding. I'm thankful to God that I got to impact her and that I was able to know I impacted her. That doesn't always happen. I got chills, and I keep getting them throughout this day when I think about it.


The skit went really well too and I'm just so thankful for the group of friends I have and that God has blessed me with. It was a tough week, but a beautiful one.


Oh, and it's only Wednesday.

Someday, You and I'll...

Sit by a fireplace and just read while enjoying each other's company.
Go on long walks around lakes while the weather is crisp but not freezing.
We'll jog together to keep fit, even if it's only once a month.
You'll witness what I look like in my photographer mode, and you'll steal my camera to take a few shots of your own.


 Maybe you'll even be good at it?


We will definitely climb trees and maybe chill and talk up there for a few minutes enjoying life.
I'll show you some of my writings and perhaps you will have some writings of your own.
We will dance, even if we both mess up terribly but that's okay because then we'll laugh at it.
We'll go to a breakfast diner and marvel over waffles and bacon.


We'll discover the world together, you and I.
Filling up jars of memories,
creating adventures in our heads,
singing songs out of tune.
Gazing at the stars, listening to the moon.
You and I,
I and you.


Someday.
When the time is right,
when the weather permits,
when the planets are in line,
but really, when God says it is.


Then You and I will be all that we can be.
Praising God every step of the way.
Loving Him first and wholeheartedly.
Letting Him guide our lives, and thanking Him for the breaths He gives.


That's how You and I will love, and how You and I will live.

Spontaniety of November

Thursday was a gem.
It was full of surprises- some good, some bad, some just plain weird.
But I'm okay with that, it keeps you on your toes.


Thursday was dinner conversations with different people- some old friends, some new. It was a churro in my bowl of milk leftover after I had eaten my cereal. It was endorphins yay! It was the description of the skit we're rehearsing. It was the attempts of blowing on a cup inside of another cup to land on the inside of another cup. It was spontaneity of studying with friends together. It was car rides with windows down. It was skit rehearsal. It was a random trip to Target to get ice cream sandwiches and sitting in the back of my best friend's boyfriend's truck.


Friday was a trip to Wawa's to get free coffee. It was accidently spilling water all over the library table... whoops. It was talking with my sister. It was driving to Micheals, Target, and the Dollar Tree to run errands. It was experimenting with my costume and failing miserably and therefore having to run more errands. It was getting to know people I don't know well, better. It was classical music. It was free chikfila provided by our school. It was skit rehearsal where our props of fake blood failed terribly and stained the floor. It was laughter and slideshows and watching guys be guys and wrestle each other. It was hanging out in "the cove" and watching Criminal Minds until it was kick out time. It was altogether pretty wonderful and pleasant.


Once you get past Mondays, everything else is great.


Spontaneity for the win.

Worship His Holy Name

Although I was struggling with my mind earlier in the night, my turned out to be one of the best nights. It was full of spontaneity which was wonderful. I went to drama club which wasn't too long and tiring, but just right and then my really good friends came in and surprised me with a gingerbread latte which totally perked me up. And then they stayed around in the drama room where there is a piano and my best friend Lauren started playing hymns and Christmas songs and everyone gathered around and sang and even though we were far from perfect, it was beautiful and perfect to me. It was something pure and sweet and it filled my heart with joy. All my worries and struggles were washed away. God knew exactly what I needed, and worshipping Him in the midst of a great group of Christian friends was a great way to end my night. Sometimes I tend to forget that Christians have a certain, unbreakable bond between us and that's our love and relationship with Christ. Despite all our differences, we all share that and it's so important. And it's great to be able to spontaneously worship together. God is so good.

In His Timing

Today was a good day.

It was an interesting day, but it was a good day.

It wasn't a day of much consequence. I went to classes, ate lunch, had a delicious decadent brownie, came back to my room, worked on homework, drank orange spice tea, and watched Harry Potter. Then I went to dinner and came back and listened to good music.

I had enjoyable conversations with enjoyable friends.

And it was good.

But I've been feeling alright. Sometimes I am totally okay and love hearing/ watching cute couples, and other times, it makes me want to cry.

I know my time will come, all in God's timing, but sometimes I just yearn for what they have. There is a ton of beauty in singleness and having your heart be totally invested in God, but some days are harder than others. Sometimes you want a partner who can uplift and encourage you and your growth in the Lord. I know one day I'll get that and I also know this is just a wave of feelings that will probably pass soon and I'll forget that I was yearning for that. It's just on my mind though, although I don't know why. I'm just struggling with thoughts and wishes and wants. I want my heart to be in the right place.

That's all.

I want to be content waiting and living in God's perfect plan.

In His timing, not mine.

November, November, Novemberrrrrr

Today the air is so clear, and I feel so free in a way I can't even describe.

So, I won't try to.

Let me just say, everything about today has been good (even the bad parts) and I'm all about this November.

I'm all about holiday flavored coffees, thrown pieces of paper, hugging lightpoles, massage lines, taylor swift's new cd playing, study buddies, nighttime walks, singing to Frozen in the midst of Robert's Christmas World, and high dreams in an ambitious heart.

Novembrrrrrrrrr.

Bandaids don't fix bulletholes...

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold.”  

-- J.R.R Tolkein

Title credit goes to Taylor Swift. The thing is though, although it's not good to dwell on the past, the past certainly does have repercussions. Even though some wounds can heal and mend, I feel like the past is woven into the fabric of our souls and sometimes it still affects us even if we don't want it too. I know you can learn from it and move on from it, but there are certain things we'll never be ever to forget. Certain things that will change the way we look at things regardless of whether we want them to or not. I don't feel sad as I write this. I was actually quite content after having gone for a walk in the brisk cold to take a bit of a drive back to my college while listening to T.S's new cd when I heard that line in one of her songs. "Bandaids don't fix bulletholes." It got me thinking because it's so true and it made me think of one of my favorite quotes of all times from Lord of the Rings which made me think of the past. Not in a sad way, but a pensive, truthful way. The past doesn't define us, but it does shape us. And it certainly can leave it's marks.

November

October you have served me well. I can't believe you are actually over. Some days you felt too long, and other days you felt too short.
However, you were perfect for me.
You were a changing month and I thank you for that.


The first day of October I remember being so excited I doodled pictures of pumpkins all day. Then, throughout the month, I: visited a pumpkin patch and carved a pumpkin with my family, went to a corn maze, drank multiple pumpkin coffees, watched Sleepy Hollow, lit pumpkin candles, apple bobbed, took pictures balancing apples on my head and yours, chilled with scarecrows, ate lotsa candy, dressed up as a hippie to get a half priced burrito, went to Clearwater beach, checked out safety harbor's fall festival, held a parakeet, played capture the flag as my friend broke her nose, decorated a small pumpkin named Spike, wore sweaters, went on a hay ride, practiced for the "Everything" lifehouse skit, and made amazing new experiences and friends. Life flourished in this month.


But today, I woke up with a change in the air as well. November winds flew through the air as I watched my sister's first soccer game and froze and was told of the red starbucks cups being out for the holidays and their gingerbread lattes out as well. More memories are ready to be created, adventures to be held and exciting things are on it's way.


I'm thankful for this month. I'm excited for Thanksgiving (one of my favorite holidays, if not my sole favorite). I'm excited to go to Downtown Disney for my first time with my college friends. I'm excited to actually share my testimony and perform the skit. I'm excited to see Mockingjay.


I'm excited.
I'm thankful.
I'm ready.


Bring it November.