I will remember my moments

In the year we got wine glasses as a gift, I was taught the nay-nay, I ran a mud-run, I experienced the joys of Tennessee, peaches and milk, I swam with manatees in freezing water, I discovered Merlin and had my heart ripped to pieces, I saw She Loves Me for the first time, coffee runs and coffee dates with friends and experiences galore, late night run to dunkin and bringing back 2 dozen donuts, became hooked on Criminal Minds, scouting out safety harbor and witnessing my friend breaking her nose, free Wawas and beach days, Café de Paris, experiencing the book series called the Maze Runner, being the Cheshire Cat in Alice and Wonderland dance recital, branching out and making new friends, singing carols after drama practice, movie marathons, playing farkle, lighting candles, watching my friend get married, performing a skit at a highschool, learning how to love better and more deeply, how to cherish the moments and make moments, giving in to the freedom within my soul and loving, loving, loving my family and friends and strangers. Huge moments, things I've never done before, and small things I wouldn't mind doing it again and again next year. It's all a treasure, really. The good and the bad.

I want to do more of that next year.

 I really do.

 I know there's more but I can't record it all.

This is my goodbye to the new year although there is technically one day left.
I've been in the rolling mountains and hills and wintery embrace of North Carolina and I know I will be busy celebrating with my family tomorrow drinking sparkly grape cider and watching movies and recounting all these memories and hearing theirs.

 2014, you have been tough.

And you have been beautiful.

You have been old.

You have been new.

You have been full of changes.

But I wouldn't change that for the world.

I had many questions for you,

some answered,

some multiplied,

but you have grown me.

I know 2015 will grow me so more.

I welcome you with open arms.

I am

The girl who's middle name is awkward.
Who will sing all day every day even if it's bad.
Who will jump up and dance excitedly over coffee.
Who will still believe in fairytales and obsess over Disney.
Who will collect moments in writing.
Who will make really bad puns.
Who will wear mix matched neon socks.
Who will be happy just getting to pet a horse.
Who will treasure snow.
Who will usually dance weirdly.
Who will laugh- a lot.
Who will get nervous occasionally.
Who will make random faces in the mirror to herself.
Who will always be happy about pie, nature, and Christmas.
Who will always daydream.
Who will annoy her sisters.
Who will want to capture life's moments in camera lenses.
Who will totally love forts and twinkly lights.
Who will adore the stars and nights.
Who will have many fandom loves and not care.
Who will have many passions and be pretty competitive when it comes to games.
Who will love the Lord her Savior no matter what.

Years will change me and grow me,

but some things I think will always stay the same with me.

This is me.

And I'm okay with that.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas Eve

May your days be merry and bright, and don't forget about the Savior that was born on this night.

Christmasy Themed Sleepover and Baking

Yesterday was baking (and eating) Christmas cookies, watching movies, napping, going shopping, drinking coffee, Christmas light looking with my friend, and watching movies that had to do with Christmas or had Christmas scenes in them with my friend during our sleepover. :) We watched The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, Sleepless in Seattle, and Little Women. It was a great night, filled with little sleep, and it was wonderful and I'm so excited for Christmas.

Tonight will be family filled funness with more Christmas movie watching and time spent together.

Decembers are kind.

Winter's Serenade

A candle lit to keep out the night,
whispers of warmth and smiles so bright.


The stars telling tales of a Savior that was born,
Everything calm and quiet on that day early in the morn.


The cold frosting the tips of  one's skin,
while the joy one can experience shines from within.


Candles and music and lights and friends,
Sing praises to the Lord once again.


For we are very blessed, and drowning in grace.
Our sin made spotless, with out a trace.


All because of the Savior in the manger, perfect as can be.
Our beacon of hope in the form of a baby.


Peace on earth and good will to men.
Sing praises to the Lord once again.

Sing praises to the Lord once again, once again,

To the little Lord Jesus who came to conquer sin.

FairyTale Photo #1

One bite,

 and all your dreams will come true

Enchanting

Last night was enchanting.

An evening of surprises.

My family and I went to a cute pizzeria we have never been to before where we ate outdoors with chilly weather but rightfully cozy weather with the heaters on, lights strung about the place, candles, ambience, pizza, Christmas music.

Then we went to downtown Clearwater, walked around, went to a fancy Starbucks, got warm drinks to soothe our souls and warm our insides/outsides, and came back to the theatre where we were going to see the musical "She Loves Me". They had caroling beforehand to set the mood. Then we watched the show, a musical I had never seen. It was pleasant, the actors/actresses were great, the music was great, it was great.

The whole night was enchanting and I wouldn't have changed it one bit.

                           

It felt rather Christmasy and magical.

1 am thoughts

Many people rave about a love at first sight kind of love but I’d rather a “she crept up on me” kind of love. Love at first sight always seemed to be a shallow sort of love. Banking your love on the outside appearance of someone. A “crept up on me” kind of love is the kind of love that happens when you all the sudden see the dusty corners of someone’s soul, seen the way their eyes light up when talking about their passion, know how they can’t help dancing when their favorite Beatles song comes on, can’t help but notice how they tuck their hair behind their ears and things that make them them and can’t help but love them for it. Things you don’t see right away, things that creep up on them. I want thaaaat kind of love. When someone loves me, I want it to not be because they thought I was beautiful and imperfect. I want it to be because they saw me for all that I was and saw my imperfections but still loved me regardless and love me for my quirks and things that make me, me.

Take Me to the Mountain Air

We sit on front porches and swing life away...

Missing the Mark

Sometimes I really feel like we're missing the mark when it comes to Christmas.

I love Christmas, but part of the reason I love Christmas is the joy that it brings.

But sometimes I really feel the joy lacking in the household, or in the friends around us, in the general atmosphere.

Everyone is stressing about things to get done.

Yes, sometimes it's important to get things done because we still have responsibilities and duties, but they will get done.

It may take a little time, more than you thought, but it will get done.

I just think life is too short to let the good times pass by without experiencing and appreciating them.

This is the time of year where I experience peace knowing that my Savior was born many years ago in a stable in order to become the one who would take upon all our sins on a cross for us.

This is a time of year to rejoice, and yet we're sitting here stressing and worrying and arguing over pointless things.

I don't want to let these ten days slip through my hands and be filled with arguments and stress.

I want to cherish them with joy.

I don't want to be sucked up into the vacuum.

I want to feel the love of Christ and spread it.

Some people feel as if Christmas is magical.

It is.

How else would you explain a star in the night guiding three wise men to where a baby lay in the manger that they would worship and bring gifts to?

How else would you explain a virgin mother giving birth to a newborn King?

How else would you explain a baby being born without any sins and without any blemish?

That night was miraculous.

It still is.

We have a great story to tell.

We have a great story to treasure.

So let us marvel and treasure it.

Let us not grow immune to the beauty and importance of this story.

We have an awesome God that we serve and awesome Savior who is love.

How can we be quiet about this?

How can we not be joyful?

Tree leaves

Like the tree leaves all burned into one,
Something has begun.
Like the language that the flower speaks,
Love is neither frail nor weak.
...

Like the waves crashing to the shore,
Always fighting, forevermore.
Flower wreaths and feet feeling the earth,
Such a gift to those who see it's value and worth.
The world shows it's beauty in countless ways,
But we'll only see it when we appreciate our days

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too with coffee and mah friend, games of uno and farkle, brain field trips, cold nights, dance performances, garden lights display, wawa coffee field trip, walks, christmas charades and cocoa. 

It was a fun afternoon and a fun night.

And if you are in doubt, the universe as unfolding as it should be...

My Junior semester of college has come to an end. I took my last final today!

Although I have had some ups and downs this semester, the end was supreme. This week has been stressful and beautiful and a wonderful mess. 

Yesterday, I felt free and happy. After my final yesterday I was able to enjoy many walks and many laughs. I was able to sing with my beautiful friend as she played the piano and sang hymns and worship songs. It was just so peaceful to do so. When you can give it all to God and worship together, it's so so beautiful. I also went to the park with one of my friends and it was actually cold out. At the park we went to, it didn't even look like Florida. The trees were colored like Fall, the sun set like a winter sunset, and there was even cotton bushes that looked like snow. It was beautiful. We talked about Christmas traditions and travel and life. It was nice. Then later I went and got coffee and a free muffin and became hyper in the best way possible. I had adventures with another friend and later a wonderful God-centered chat with a friend I'm starting to get to know better as we overlooked the city lights as it reflected on the water. Then I hung out at the "Cove", a common study spot and coffee shop type place. There was a goodbye party held for a really nice girl that is not coming back to our school next semester. I didn't know her very well but there were so many people there that I did know. I talked and laughed and took pictures with so many of my friends and lived in the moment. I got to know and play a game with people I didn't know. It was just one of those nights you remember and you cherish. Where everything was just simply right and where even though it was an ending, it also felt like a beginning. Everything just exploded last night in the best way possible. I had inner struggles with how I felt about some things, and I came to peace with them. Sometimes you can go about living and think too much about living. Last night I lived and I enjoyed it. I didn't think about it, I just let it happen and I didn't try to control anything. I felt most like myself in those moments and it was great.

I'm going to miss this semester and I'm going to miss my friends. But I'm glad it ended how it ended, I'm glad to be coming back home without school hanging over my head, I'm glad to catch up with friends I haven't seen in awhile, I'm glad to revel in the joy of Christmas and Christmas vacation (where I can go up north and bask in cold weather and cabin life and woods), and I will certainly be glad to come back to school after it all is over. 

I am truly blessed.

I haven't done a picture post in a while this post deserves pictures of my memories from this week.

Beauty and Guys

"But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious."

-- 1 Peter 3:4

 

I know I am not the only one who struggles with this.

 

But...

 

One of the things I have been struggling with a lot this semester in school is the topic of beauty and guys. I have had guys trying to pursue me and giving me attention and I'm not saying this to be conceited or to complain, but it has been hard. Some people brush this off and say; "Oh it's so hard to have so many guys like you" but honestly, it sort of pressures me more than lifts me up. It makes me always conscious of the fact that there are guys wanting me to like them back. It makes me feel like I always need to be beautiful or worse, that my beauty is all they admire or look at. It makes it hard for me to trust guys and it makes me constantly think about or worry about who the guy is out there for me to marry and be my one true love.

 

But when I read this verse, it puts my thinking into proper perspective. It reminds me that I need to focus on my soul and my heart. I need to focus on being beautiful in God's sight. I don't need to worry about the suitors, or worry about guys. I need to focus on God and trust in Him and work on  my inward beauty and I know when the right one comes a long, I will know. It will work out because he will love me for more than just my looks. I know that because I won't marry anybody who only loves on the outside and does not go deeper than that.

 

I struggle with pride, I struggle with appearance, I struggle with overthinking.

 

But I know if I give it up to God,

my struggles well lessen and my love and peace will deepen.

It's kind of ironic because my friend actually posted similarly to do this because of the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show that was on tv last night and it made her want to write regarding beauty as well. It's just sad how the world limits beauty to body and skin. Beauty is so much more than that and love is going to have to go far more deeper than that if it's to last.

Winter

It's winter, my dear.

Winter.
Where the trees shed their leaves because they are tired of attachments.

Winter.
Where pine trees decide they need ornaments to be companions to their needles.

Winter.
Where fires often burn to shed light and warmth on those who have comfy souls and frozen feet.

Winter.
Where friends meet with friends and families become tighter and peace slithers in like a blanket.

Winter.
Where the cold makes you wear sweaters that feel like hugs.

Winter.
Where adventures seem possible around every corner, every bend.

Winter.
Where North Carolina woods call me home and cabin nights and tea keep my soul company.

Winter.
Where long windy walks are so wonderful in comparison to hot sticky summer walks.

Winter.
Where Christmas lights shine like the gleam of the eye of a child.

Winter.

Decembers.

Coffees.

Love.

Giving.

Wonders.

I love it all.

Winter always gives me a new appreciation, a new awakening, for life.

Maybe because it's where life truly started. Yes, I know people were "living" before Jesus was born but they couldn't have been really living. Not without the love and hope that the Savior brought us. It's nice to reflect on that. It's nice to appreciate where our lives truly started. Where hope came alive.

Where joy came in.

 

 In a stable, in a manger.

It's the beautiful, quietness, peace of this all that soothes my soul.

 

Decembers will always be beautiful to me.

Sugar Brigades

Today was tired eyes, misty air, walks and talks, cocoa, my first anime movie entitled Howl's Castle in which the main girl shared my name, gingerbread cookies and decorating, bible study with my great great friend, studying a ton, another misty evening walk, white elephant exchange, secret santa, and sugar brigades.

 

This day will go down in history as the day we brought joy to all of the young college girls in our building in which our dorms lie, as we brought sugar packets in boxes to each of the units knowing they had been, indeed, sweet all year long. The sugar brigades will live long in the hearts of men and womenkind...

 

 Or at least in the hearts of those living in Unit S Fall Semester of '14.

 

A Person I've Never Known

delicate hands
a busy soul
a soft heart
a geometric face
detecting eyes
a brave backbone
a curved spine
translucent skin
a far off gaze
tangled veins
a wild mind
web of ribs
hair threads of gold

Tell me about the world you speak, the world you know.

Dec 7th - A Friendly Reminder

"
               mirrors
                         are
                               just
                                   broken
                                        glass
                           and
                       you
                     are
                    more
                       than
                          that
                                                "

Thankful

I had a rough day today.
But there is still plenty to be thankful about.


Such as:


Beauty and the Beast, nice people, hugs, refreshing naps, black dresses, hot chocolate, Christmas music, good friends, formal dinners, laughter, family, and my dog.


And most importantly;
Jesus.


I struggled a lot today, but I can say it and mean it right now when I say;


It is well with my soul.


Thank-you Jesus, for life itself is a gift.

Christmas spirit

Not everybody has the Christmas spirit...

 buuuuut,

I do.

 

I watched outside overlooking the causeway where the lights shine like sparkles across the water and the moon glimmered endlessly and the stars whispered stories into my ear and I pondered Christmas and Jesus and felt peaceful and full of joy. When I talk about Christmas to some people, they are just so not ready for it. They aren't excited because they have too much going on. But honestly, that is just the opposite of how it should be. Christmas is the season to be merry despite what's going on. To be at peace, to love, to be joyful. I know it's hard for people to do that but still.

 

So, now I'm about to watch a Christmas movie and eat Christmas cookies. 

 

And I'm stoked.

 

I have a santa hat on and everything.

Red

Today was red.

Christmas carols in chapel.
Red and Green.

 My shirt and lips.
Red.


Breaking people's hearts.
Red.

Homework.
Grey.

Dinner of buffalo chicken strips.
Red.

Laughter, lots of it, and hyperness.
All of the colors.

Bible study.
White.

Christmas party consisting of santa hats, Christmas cookies, pentatonix, Lindsey Sterling and improv games.
Red.

Taking pictures with two other people wearing red.
Red.

Free Caramel Macchiato courtesy of my sweet friend.
Gold.

Nighttime walks and chats and making of plans.
Starry Night Blue-ish Black.

I guess the day's events were filled with much more than red,
but it still felt red.
I still feel red.

I don't know how you can feel a color, but I think it's possible.

Christmas is coming and I know it partially because of the red joy in my beating, very much alive, heart.

God is good.
Life is good.
I am excited.

Christmastimeisherenodoubt

Today consisted of classes as usual, ravioli, awkwardness (can't go a day without it), Benadryl tiredness, homework.

But then it consisted of Michael Buble and Pentatonix Christmas music while wrapping Christmas presents, a short walk, dollar tree Christmas decorations run, a nice enjoyable meal with a brownie to make me hyper, making paper snowflakes for the first time, decorating our dorm unit, seeing other people's decked out Christmas dorms, Christmas music, people wearing Christmas sweaters and vests, running into "Santa Clauses", free cookies, people laughing and hanging out, hyperness, watching Elf with my unit while drinking cocoa and eating popcorn and simply enjoying our Christmas lights and decorations.

The first half of the day didn't feel like December at all. But it turned around and it became christmasy and everyone channeled their inner Christmas spirit and it was good. It felt like Christmas despite the awful Floridian weather. It did.

Lay Your Burdens Down

I don't know why it's so hard to lay our burdens down a the foot of the cross, but it is.
It's hard to let go of our troubles, and the things we hold dear.
But as soon as we do,
it's so breathtakingly freeing.

When you not only realize it but actually feel that God is all you need, it is so powerful.
It's beautiful.
You stop stressing about life's useless squabbles.
Your appearance.
Guys.
Everything.

The Lord provides and He cares for us, what is there to worry about?
 What is there to fear?
The Lord is faithful.
And He loves us.

Is there anything more beautiful than that really?

And I Need to Know How to Live my Life as it's Meant to Be

I love breaks but I also love coming back.

It's so weird though.

I feel like college campus is a totally different life than when I'm at home.

It's a tiny campus, but it's another home.

Going on walks with three different friends, talks from each different human perspective, it's just amazing.

It's intriguing to pick up pieces of each different soul, but it's also impossible to get to know each soul completely.

Partially because people can't even grasp every bit of their souls.

It's changing constantly.

Life changes constantly.

 

One of my close friends was going to stay here in FL for a couple of years and now she might be transferring to another school next semester.

 

Things change, all the time. It's just funny because sometimes we are convinced that we're meant to be on a certain route and then something will guide us to a totally different direction.

 

It's interesting to observe and sometimes it just makes me think.

Ironically, I was listening to Mumford and Sons and the lyrics from one of their songs stood out like a sore thumb: "And I need to know how to my life as it's meant to be."

 

 I need to examine that more often.

I need to pray more.

I need to do what I can to live my life as God wants me to.

 

Life is fleeting.

If the moon wasn't so big

Hey eyes were somber stars, stranded on the moon while searching for mars.

You can't write a tune like that away, she said as night transformed into darkened day.

I'll close my eyes and see colors again, I'll think of how my life might have been.

If the moon wasn't so big and my dreams weren't so large,

 maybe my starry eyes wouldn't be so somber,

 maybe I'd find my mars.

So how should I presume?

"For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?                                                                               ---

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was soccer, a purple toenail, guests (lots of them but not too many because there is no such thing), a feast, lots of singing, old memories and new, catchphrase, loaded questions, coffee, pies, friends, family, an evening walk, lots of laughter, a grand ole time.


Tonight I will remember it as the night of multiple coffee cups, stale donut holes, christmasy feelings, pancakes, a gigantic Christmas tree, downtown lights, cold weather, a beautiful horse pulling carriages, and late night grocery shopping.


These are the days to remember. These are the nights. This is living.

I've seen the world she said; In my dreams that reach me when I go to bed. The colors whirl in my head. Black and White, White and Black, and Red.

There are...

people who try to make other people laugh because they know what it's like to go through a period of time without being able to laugh and they don't want others to go through that...


people who try their best to love everyone they can because they know they went through a period of time where it must have been hard for other people to love them, and yet they did...


people who listen to others even when others are annoying and don't stop talking because they know what it's like to feel like they have no voice, and what it's like to be ignored and put on the bottom shelf...

There are people who try their best to shield others from the cruelty of the world and I respect those people.

There was a time...

When I felt beauty was measured on the outside and in make-up, hair styles and pounds.
When I felt social acceptance was measured in how many guys liked you or whether or not the friends you hung out with were popular or not.
When I felt like my body was a cage, not a temple.
When I felt like grades were markers of how smart you were or weren't.
When I felt like compliments were lies, and degrading remarks were truth.
When I felt like the standards were always too high to reach even if I was standing on my tippie toes.


When I felt like a maintenance worker who failed at her job because she couldn't fix other people's problems.




There was a time when I listened to society's loud, distracting yells and ignored the quiet, calm, whispers of truth from God.




But I am ever so thankful that this was a time of the past.

Our soul is a collection of thoughts

Thoughts flow out of our brains all the time,
but do we really think about what we're thinking?
Or do we only think about what we're saying?


I think we need to think about what we're thinking about.
Our soul is a collection of thoughts.
I don't want my soul to consist of rust, rats, and rubbish.
I want it to consist of whatever is right, pure, true, noble,lovely and admirable. (Philippians 4:8)


I want my soul to be consumed with You, Oh Lord, and my thoughts to echo Your name.

Rhythm and Rhymes

I'll let the waves pass as the shore flickers green, and blue, and the sand gleams colors brighter than me.


I'll let the words we once held melt as the fires burn our walls down.


I'll let the violins in my head pierce the strings of time as you whisper to me rhythms and rhymes.


Rhythms and rhymes, that are no more.
A blank page pasted against a black door.


I'll let the hands drop by my side as the weight of us drowns.


It seems neither you or I were fit to wear our crowns.


What should I tell my sister, my brothers, my friends?


Tell me, surely, you and I have not come to the end...


Rhythms and rhymes, that are no more.
Just a blank page pasted against a black door.

I am not myself today

I do not know who I am.
Maybe I am a cowboy who defeats the robbers and bandits in Texas.
Maybe I am an alien awaiting my alien friends to take me back to Mars.
Maybe I am a librarian who kindly reminds people to return their books on time.
Maybe I am a fairy and I am flying through the sky glowing and growing in dark places.
Maybe I am just an ant in a huge city.
Maybe I am a puzzle, I still have yet to figure out.
I do not know who I am.


I felt confident of who I was yesterday.
Today, I do not know.


Maybe it's lack of sleep.
Maybe it's the stress of all these weighing assignments.
Maybe it's the cold weather.
Maybe...
it's just growing.


Alice was completely right in saying there's no use going back because yesterday she was a different person than from what she was today.


I feel like I change a lot, but I also stay the same.


'Cest La Vie.

I rest in Your Word and Your Plans for me my Lord.
Give my soul patience and comfort, please.
I need it, I need you.

Merry and Bright and Late Nights

Peaceful views, freezing air, walks down the pier, hot cocoas in hand, stories and catching up, chilling (literally) in a pickup truck, late night appetizers with a group of friends and drinking coffee (like always), conversations and lots of laughter.

November, is actually acting like November.

Novembre

Some nights are popcorn, Frozen, singing, talking, cold nights and some days are freezing, extra cup of coffee, not enough sweaters, jumping up and down kind of days.


I like it.

Rain Drops and Coffee Breath

Eyes like the way the stop lights gleam on wet streets.
Oh, oh,
 Coffee breath and rain drops.
Make this feeling stay/make this feeling stop.


Words,
Words,
Words;


are words.


But feelings...


are stories.






A novel is swirling inside of me.

Crumple up the pieces of her heart as you walk away.
You won't look back, pretending as if you are okay.
Maybe you don't realize the jewel that you lost,
But one day you will when you add up the costs.
But you don't toy with a heart like that.
You just don't toy with a heart like that.


She was gold, you were rust.
You treated her like she was a maybe, when she was a must.
You didn't even deserve a minute that you got with her.
The broken heart she never should have had to endure.
Angry words won't do a thing, won't change a soul.
But I wish it would make you see, make you pay your toll.
I wish it would erase the damage you have done,
Erase the damage that you've done.


Because you don't mess with a heart of gold.
And maybe angry words do make the youth grow old,
but you just don't mess with a heart of gold.

"Shout to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever!"

Joy.


Joy is such a precious word. It needs to be cradled and held and nurtured. It needs to be rocked and loved and taken care of.


I've had so much joy in the past two days, and I'm taking care of it. Because joy is a precious and beautiful gift so when you have moments of joy, they should be kept away in the corners of your mind where you can keep it forever and take it out to entertain you on rainy days.


Thursday was WaWa's runs, singing of Hunchback of Notre Dame, girl talk, seeing the beautiful view of the causeway on the balcony at night, running up and down stairs belting love is an open door and acting as if we were in a musical, a walk with another friend, drama club and improve and more laughter, a ridiculous video of "the gift of the magi".


Friday was classes, lunch with new friends, congregating before Spanish, Starbucks run with the sister and two other friends, pictures in the cold weather with cups of coffee, another fun walk with friends and more creative picture taking, enjoying the weather and goofing off with friends. Then my friend Lauren and I went over to another friends' house for a party full of pizza, cookies, and xmen watching. Then Lauren stayed the night with me and we acted out animal farms with animal figurines, and talked late into the night and painted nails.


These are the moments I want to tuck away into my brain.

Courage, Dear Heart

To say the beginning of this week was a bit emotional would be kind of an understatement.


But to say it was good, would also be an understatement.


This week was so many things to me. It was hard work, coffee, laughter (lots of it), adventures (lots of them), spontaneity (lots of it), airsoft, so much studying, test taking, testimony writing, skit rehearsing, bike riding, late night checkers run, casually fabulousness, life, learning of people's stories (the stuff that counts and matters, the things woven into their soul), a lot of resistance but not a lot of giving in. It was good. Really good.


Today, our drama team got to go to a highschool and I, a long with two other people, did get to share our testimony. It was not fun, by any means. It's nerve wracking and you hate to say the words coming out of your mouth... but you have to. And it helps people, it really does. After our presentation, I had a girl come up to me and give me 5 hugs and tell me how I impacted her and made a difference in her life and how she was struggling with the same things I used to and that I made her day. That was extremely rewarding. I'm thankful to God that I got to impact her and that I was able to know I impacted her. That doesn't always happen. I got chills, and I keep getting them throughout this day when I think about it.


The skit went really well too and I'm just so thankful for the group of friends I have and that God has blessed me with. It was a tough week, but a beautiful one.


Oh, and it's only Wednesday.

Someday, You and I'll...

Sit by a fireplace and just read while enjoying each other's company.
Go on long walks around lakes while the weather is crisp but not freezing.
We'll jog together to keep fit, even if it's only once a month.
You'll witness what I look like in my photographer mode, and you'll steal my camera to take a few shots of your own.


 Maybe you'll even be good at it?


We will definitely climb trees and maybe chill and talk up there for a few minutes enjoying life.
I'll show you some of my writings and perhaps you will have some writings of your own.
We will dance, even if we both mess up terribly but that's okay because then we'll laugh at it.
We'll go to a breakfast diner and marvel over waffles and bacon.


We'll discover the world together, you and I.
Filling up jars of memories,
creating adventures in our heads,
singing songs out of tune.
Gazing at the stars, listening to the moon.
You and I,
I and you.


Someday.
When the time is right,
when the weather permits,
when the planets are in line,
but really, when God says it is.


Then You and I will be all that we can be.
Praising God every step of the way.
Loving Him first and wholeheartedly.
Letting Him guide our lives, and thanking Him for the breaths He gives.


That's how You and I will love, and how You and I will live.

Spontaniety of November

Thursday was a gem.
It was full of surprises- some good, some bad, some just plain weird.
But I'm okay with that, it keeps you on your toes.


Thursday was dinner conversations with different people- some old friends, some new. It was a churro in my bowl of milk leftover after I had eaten my cereal. It was endorphins yay! It was the description of the skit we're rehearsing. It was the attempts of blowing on a cup inside of another cup to land on the inside of another cup. It was spontaneity of studying with friends together. It was car rides with windows down. It was skit rehearsal. It was a random trip to Target to get ice cream sandwiches and sitting in the back of my best friend's boyfriend's truck.


Friday was a trip to Wawa's to get free coffee. It was accidently spilling water all over the library table... whoops. It was talking with my sister. It was driving to Micheals, Target, and the Dollar Tree to run errands. It was experimenting with my costume and failing miserably and therefore having to run more errands. It was getting to know people I don't know well, better. It was classical music. It was free chikfila provided by our school. It was skit rehearsal where our props of fake blood failed terribly and stained the floor. It was laughter and slideshows and watching guys be guys and wrestle each other. It was hanging out in "the cove" and watching Criminal Minds until it was kick out time. It was altogether pretty wonderful and pleasant.


Once you get past Mondays, everything else is great.


Spontaneity for the win.

Worship His Holy Name

Although I was struggling with my mind earlier in the night, my turned out to be one of the best nights. It was full of spontaneity which was wonderful. I went to drama club which wasn't too long and tiring, but just right and then my really good friends came in and surprised me with a gingerbread latte which totally perked me up. And then they stayed around in the drama room where there is a piano and my best friend Lauren started playing hymns and Christmas songs and everyone gathered around and sang and even though we were far from perfect, it was beautiful and perfect to me. It was something pure and sweet and it filled my heart with joy. All my worries and struggles were washed away. God knew exactly what I needed, and worshipping Him in the midst of a great group of Christian friends was a great way to end my night. Sometimes I tend to forget that Christians have a certain, unbreakable bond between us and that's our love and relationship with Christ. Despite all our differences, we all share that and it's so important. And it's great to be able to spontaneously worship together. God is so good.

In His Timing

Today was a good day.

It was an interesting day, but it was a good day.

It wasn't a day of much consequence. I went to classes, ate lunch, had a delicious decadent brownie, came back to my room, worked on homework, drank orange spice tea, and watched Harry Potter. Then I went to dinner and came back and listened to good music.

I had enjoyable conversations with enjoyable friends.

And it was good.

But I've been feeling alright. Sometimes I am totally okay and love hearing/ watching cute couples, and other times, it makes me want to cry.

I know my time will come, all in God's timing, but sometimes I just yearn for what they have. There is a ton of beauty in singleness and having your heart be totally invested in God, but some days are harder than others. Sometimes you want a partner who can uplift and encourage you and your growth in the Lord. I know one day I'll get that and I also know this is just a wave of feelings that will probably pass soon and I'll forget that I was yearning for that. It's just on my mind though, although I don't know why. I'm just struggling with thoughts and wishes and wants. I want my heart to be in the right place.

That's all.

I want to be content waiting and living in God's perfect plan.

In His timing, not mine.

November, November, Novemberrrrrr

Today the air is so clear, and I feel so free in a way I can't even describe.

So, I won't try to.

Let me just say, everything about today has been good (even the bad parts) and I'm all about this November.

I'm all about holiday flavored coffees, thrown pieces of paper, hugging lightpoles, massage lines, taylor swift's new cd playing, study buddies, nighttime walks, singing to Frozen in the midst of Robert's Christmas World, and high dreams in an ambitious heart.

Novembrrrrrrrrr.

Bandaids don't fix bulletholes...

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold.”  

-- J.R.R Tolkein

Title credit goes to Taylor Swift. The thing is though, although it's not good to dwell on the past, the past certainly does have repercussions. Even though some wounds can heal and mend, I feel like the past is woven into the fabric of our souls and sometimes it still affects us even if we don't want it too. I know you can learn from it and move on from it, but there are certain things we'll never be ever to forget. Certain things that will change the way we look at things regardless of whether we want them to or not. I don't feel sad as I write this. I was actually quite content after having gone for a walk in the brisk cold to take a bit of a drive back to my college while listening to T.S's new cd when I heard that line in one of her songs. "Bandaids don't fix bulletholes." It got me thinking because it's so true and it made me think of one of my favorite quotes of all times from Lord of the Rings which made me think of the past. Not in a sad way, but a pensive, truthful way. The past doesn't define us, but it does shape us. And it certainly can leave it's marks.

November

October you have served me well. I can't believe you are actually over. Some days you felt too long, and other days you felt too short.
However, you were perfect for me.
You were a changing month and I thank you for that.


The first day of October I remember being so excited I doodled pictures of pumpkins all day. Then, throughout the month, I: visited a pumpkin patch and carved a pumpkin with my family, went to a corn maze, drank multiple pumpkin coffees, watched Sleepy Hollow, lit pumpkin candles, apple bobbed, took pictures balancing apples on my head and yours, chilled with scarecrows, ate lotsa candy, dressed up as a hippie to get a half priced burrito, went to Clearwater beach, checked out safety harbor's fall festival, held a parakeet, played capture the flag as my friend broke her nose, decorated a small pumpkin named Spike, wore sweaters, went on a hay ride, practiced for the "Everything" lifehouse skit, and made amazing new experiences and friends. Life flourished in this month.


But today, I woke up with a change in the air as well. November winds flew through the air as I watched my sister's first soccer game and froze and was told of the red starbucks cups being out for the holidays and their gingerbread lattes out as well. More memories are ready to be created, adventures to be held and exciting things are on it's way.


I'm thankful for this month. I'm excited for Thanksgiving (one of my favorite holidays, if not my sole favorite). I'm excited to go to Downtown Disney for my first time with my college friends. I'm excited to actually share my testimony and perform the skit. I'm excited to see Mockingjay.


I'm excited.
I'm thankful.
I'm ready.


Bring it November.

Time keeps rolling

Classes, Dunkin Donuts run, classes registered for the next semester, a lovely sunset at the beach and drama practice. YEAHHH BOIIII.

October, you are too kind.

My room is redecorated with quotes from the Book Thief and lines from my favorite poem (The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock). My friends came and chilled and studied and talked and laughed and we sang to Les Miserables and went to Starbucks. I also watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I had drama practice and it went well. The weather last night was amazing.

Life is good.

Iced coffee, criminal minds, talks, spaghetti, school work, watching the sunset, being silhouettes, cool nights, nerd talks.


It's almost November.


Whoa.

The Mind of an Introvert

Dear Brain,


Stop analyzing and stop overthinking.
Get it together man.


Sincerely,
Yours Truly,
Me.

Weekend Moments in October

Puppies, Brunch, Coffee runs, Stars, Fall Festival, Hay Rides, Volleyball, Candy.


That's all folks.

Smiling in October

Firedrills. Despicable Me. Classes. Talking. Duck Dynasty. Starbucks. The Book Thief. Braided Hair. Car rides. Everything Skit Rehearsal. Dance Parties. Sleeping In. Brunch. Watching a Movie. Best Friends. Planned Trips. Planned Adventures. Hyperness. A Friday free of classes.


No complaints. :)




This October has definitely brought a long a lot of smiles.

Praise Him

My room is well cleaned, the blinds are opened and I'm appreciating the sunlight, I'm wearing my comfy sweater cardigan thingy, our unit smells like pumpkin goodness, close friends and warm conversations are something I'm thankful for, I'm praying to be courageous and wanting to let that desire manifest in my actions and in my life through Jesus Christ and it's Wednesday.


It's a good day.
Every day is a good day.
For the Lord has made it, and every day I can write that it is a good day is a day that I am alive.
And that's certainly something to rejoice about and find joy in.
Praise the Lord to the ends of earth.
Praise Him.
For He is worthy.

Duh dum duh dee

School, school, school, long conversations, criminal minds and school.


Oh Mondays.


I'm ready for Friday.

Pumpkin cookies,

fall scented candles,

sleepy hollow,

playing cards in the tree tops,

it was a good evening.

The Best Night

I don't know if it was thee best night in the history of nights, but last night was definitely up there. It was just a great unexpected night and sometimes I like unexpected nights the best. Last night/ evening, after a very nice dinner spent with college friends, a group of friends and I went to Safety Harbor impromtuly. We just all had the evening free and we decided to go there. We didn't really know what was around there, but we knew there was a pier and possibly some cute shops. So we went to the pier, and then we started walking towards the shops and lo and behold, some sort of festival/market thing was going on. So we walked the cute streets with many vendors full of lights, paintings, free samples of chocolates and such, and I got to hold a parakeet on my shoulder. It was all fun and adventurous and exciting. After that, we came back to school and played Capture the Flag for a few hours which was buckets of fun. My friend Lauren got injured in the nose, so a group of us all made sure she was alright and got her ice, water, food, and Tylenol. She ended up being okay but we all stuck around after that and laughed, joked, star tripped, and went to our big football field to watch the stars up until five minutes till midnight. It was all unexpected, and it was adventurous, and it was perfect. I love my friends, and I love my God who created them and this spectacular night. It was the best night.

Beautiful October Day

Coffee in English class, chapel where the speaker sounded like Reid, lunch with friends, studying for a midterm with a new friend, doing homework outside with another friend because it was super lovely weather yesterday, meeting new people, diagramming with a friend, Fall Festival, chocolate apples, more coffee, helping people dress like princesses, high energy, glow in the dark bracelets, lots of laughter, lots of people, lots of fun, criminal minds, sleep.

Pumpkin Spice Coffee (that was free), Pumpkin Seeds, and on Wednesdays we wear blue.

I don't have a problem... caffeine doesn't affect me...

Okay, so maybe it does. And so maybe it does make me hug my unit mates at random times. Maybe it does make me quote Elf. And maybe I won't get sleep tonight (but I hope I do). And maybe I should have had it earlier and I wouldn't have been so awkward in play practice because coffee makes me hyper and bold, but I don't care. Life is good. God is good. Things went well today and God encouraged me today in devo time. And I feel happy and ready to conquer the world.

October October, what a Beautiful Month.

Apple Streusel Pancakes. Made up childhood Christmas stories. Pumpkin Patchin'. Lots of coffee. Hay. Corn Maze. Carved Pumpkin. "It's a Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown". Volleyball. Cookout. Walks. Once Upon a Time.


This weekend has been mighty fine.
Mighty fine, indeed.

And now it's Monday. Almost Tuesday. Mondays aren't always great. But today was not half bad, not half bad at all. Between school work, there were walks involved and free coffee and criminal minds.

October never disappoints.

Everything

I love drama, so naturally I was excited when I found out that our college had a drama club! Not only that but our drama club gets an amazing opportunity to go to a public highschool and share our testimonies and perform a skit that's put to the song "Everything" by Life House. It's a great a skit, and I think it's highly impactful. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you should. :) We had auditions last night and I got the main girl!!!! I was super excited because I wasn't expecting it. I wasn't going to intentionally try out for her part because I was just happy to be in it and be apart of this amazing opportunity and I would have been okay with wherever I was put. But I got it, and I'm just so excited to see how God uses and blesses people through this.

In case you were wondering...

An interaction with one person can make all the difference. It really can.

Gas Monsters that survive on car gas to live, Starbucks runs, Christmas song singing, lip wiggling, annoying papers, new friends, men in suits , too much laughter (just kidding there is never too much laughter), more criminal minds, finding out that the record for longest amount of time someone has gone without sleep is 11 days, and probably more. Because there's always more to write about. More happy things. More.

Analyze

I think another one of the reasons I'm so hooked on Criminal Minds now is because the BAU (behavioral analysis unit) have to analyze and assess the situations and behavior of the unsub. I think it's fascinating to see how they figure out the puzzle pieces and observe other peoples' behavior to figure out the answer to the problem. I guess it's also fascinating to me because I observe peoples' behavior all the time. Just because I notice things. I notice small ticks, how people react when they get stressed or sad, and I'm really good at remembering people's faces. I'm not saying I'd be good at this job, but I do like it when there are other people out there who notice things the average human being going about their life wouldn't. Because often people aren't focused on that. Usually they are busy living their life, or just focusing on the group their with and the friends they talk to. So, I guess I like the show because I tend to do that. And sometimes it's fun trying to figure out the answer before the show reveals it. (It happens sometimes, but not always because obviously I am not skilled and full of knowledge like they are or at least like the script writers are haha). I think it'd be incredibly cool to be able to do work like that though. Where you can help others and save lives by figuring out how to catch someone based on their actions and behaviors. But it's also something that would be incredibly draining and wear on you having to face that over and over again. Anyways, there's not much of a point to this except explaining another small thing about me and why I find Criminal Minds intriguing.

Elephant's Memory

"Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget."

 --Zora Neale Hurston

This is a quote taken from the book I'm reading in my contemporary literature class that I find quite fascinating. I think it's so fascinating and weird to me because I tend to think the exact opposite of this quote. I wholeheartedly wish that this was true for me. But unfortunately, I remember everything I want to forget and easily forget what I want to remember. There's this episode from Criminal Minds entitled "Elephant's Memory". Within the episode one of the main characters describes an incident in which he was bullied in school and how he never told anybody because he thought if he tried hard enough, he could just forget it ever happened. However, that wasn't the case. He still remembered it very clearly even though he wished he didn't. His coworker that he was talking to said that it was normal and how it happened to everyone. That when it comes to events that emotionally and personally affect us, we all have an elephant's memory. I guess this is all here to say, that I think it's interesting how it works. Because I want to be a women who can forget all the things I don't want to remember, but no matter how hard I try, there are some things that will always weigh on the back of mind and I will remember even though I don't want to. However, I still think it's good not to forget the good because we'll want them there to pull out when the bad memories come crashing in. I will want to glorify and praise God for the good, when the nightmares threaten to crush my daylight. So, no, I am not this person although I'm a women. I am not one who can forget what I don't want to remember. But perhaps, I could try to not make those memories count as much or weigh on me too heavily if I become a woman who can remember everything I don't want to forget. And that's everything that God has so graciously done for me in my life.

All glory be to Him.



Mornings, Moments, Musings

I'm eating pumpkin oatmeal, drinking my coffee, listening to my sister play the piano, hearing my dog snore as he sleeps, and listening to my Dad flip the pages of the newspaper and I couldn't be more happier in these morning moments. It's a nice day today for Florida; it truly feels like Fall. After church, my family and I are going on a picnic to enjoy the weather.


All is good my friends. All is good.

The Grand Pumpkin Adventure

Yesterday, I tried pho for my first time because my friend convinced me too and everybody knows that friends who eat pho together are friends pho-ever. We also tried on weird masks from Hot Topic, and we looked pretty hot in them too. ( I'm seriously kidding, I wore a sheep mask for goodness sake.) I also got her to try a macaroon, and they are so colorful and dainty. Later that night, I had drama club and then I also watched Criminal Minds season 10 premiere. :)

Other Fun Things to Sum Up My Week: Lotsa free coffee, pumpkins, pumpkin scones (yes they exist and I will try them tonight with a cup of coffee and I will enjoy life), calming walks, apple streusel pancakes, Fall playlist, comfy cardigans, God's Word, the promise of cooler weather, and the joy of the weekend ahead.

I love Octobers. I really do.

Fall Photography

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCTOBER

Today is a good day.
You know why?


IT'S BECAUSE IT'S OCTOBER.
October means pumpkins, means Fall, means hay rides, means corn maze, means cider, means more pumpkin coffee everythings, means family traditions, means spooky movies with my friend Heidi, means candy, means The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, means SO MANY EXCITING THINGS.


I love Fall and hopefully it will start to cool off in FL sometime soon. *I hope*. If not though, it's okay, because in my unit it's always cold and I can always bundle up and pretend it's cold outside. 


New months are exciting and especially if they're Octobers. Also, our school is giving away free Dunkin Donuts  (probably because it's October and they're just so happy) , I have a day off of my weekly chore duties, annnnnnnnnnd NEW SEASON OF CRIMINAL MINDS AIRS TONIGHT. I'm sure my new husband (Matthew Gray Gubler) is just as excited about this upcoming month as I am considering that he's a big Fall enthusiast as well. Honestly, sometimes I feel kinda sad since FL only gets a "pretend" Fall, but the more I think about it, I'm glad that I still get to celebrate it and that I get to celebrate here with my family and friends, and it would definitely feel off and not like Fall if I spent it anywhere else than here in FL. *Perspective*


So yeah. I'm kinda thrilled about today. And I'm kinda thrilled for the upcoming days.


I LOVE FALL.


Okay? Okay.

Yesterday was a day of Coffee

Rain + National Coffee Day (which = Free WaWas coffee) = Happiness.

Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain. Rain.




























And More Rain.

All in a single breath.

Dum.Dum.Dum.
My heartbeat feels like a-
dum. dum. dum.
The rain whispers like a-
shhh.shhh.shhh.
My ribs are a-
crack.crack.crack.
I am a -
stirrrrr. stirrr. stirrrrrr.


Of emotions. Unsaid words. Think too much. Brain hurts. Sound waves. Deaf Voice. Mute Me. Their choice. Lost it. Maybe. Still find. More peace. Makes sense? Not to you. But to me. Heart hurts. Heart mends. Life's hard. But love wins. Still find. Beauty in the end. Still find. Beauty in the end.


I still find beauty in the end.


Life's hard. But God wins.


I still find beauty in the end.

Rain. Muffins. Hot Chocolate. Free Pancakes. New friends. Prayer. Missions.
                                                          Life.

Translucent

Do you ever get that weird feeling that your skin is so translucent and that everybody can secretly see what is laying on and crushing your bones and what scratches and tears are etched on your heart? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel so absolutely vulnerable and exposed like a photograph that is just newly developed that you hang out to dry and wait for it to show the picture and you're intrigued trying to see how it'll turn out, but then you can either be disappointed with how it turned out or thrilled but I'm always afraid I will be the photograph that people are disappointed in and I also feel like people can see that. These are just fading feelings. I know they don't last. But I really hate when they come on because sometimes they come out of nowhere like a thunderstorm and all the sudden you're a different person than the happy girl the other day who felt confident and knew she had her friends and was happy to see people and not thinking for one second that anyone was judging her. But part of it is because it's easy to love people at their best. Or at least easier. It's a lot harder to love people seeing them at their worst. So when something comes a long that brings you to feeling your worst, it's harder to go back to being at your best. And that's when you feel translucent. Because you know people saw you happy and fine but when you're not, can people see that? Because sometimes I don't want them to see that. And all of the time, I wish I could just move on from a simple problem and be back to where I was before the problem came a long. But it takes time, and prayer, and a lot of help from the Lord. Bottom line is, I shouldn't care if I'm translucent. I shouldn't focus my time and energy on that. But I should focus my time and energy on the joy of the Lord and the peace and happiness that comes a long with this. I just have had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of pressure upon me, and writing gets it out. It sorts out my thoughts and sometimes it helps me realize what I need to do. I can come in knowing what I'm going to write but have no idea how I'm going to end. And that's the beauty of writing. It reveals people's souls and what's on their heart. I know this feeling will fade and I will get back to where I was a few days ago and I know everything will be okay and I know I can never deny the love I have from my Savior and the love I have for Him. And I know that His great love is my hope and my joy.