Five Feet Apart

Yesterday evening I watched this sappy and tear-jerking movie called "Five Feet Apart".

It was one of those movies where you look at the male lead actor and you sigh and you think to yourself;

"If only I could find someone who loved me like that."

In this movie the male lead actor says to the woman lead; "You're perfect."

Listening to him say this with so much honesty in his voice (for he truly believes what he's saying) and seeing him look at her with pure admiration made my heart swoon as I'm sure it did to all the females in the movie theater. 

I mean, who wouldn't want to be told that?

Well, actually, I started thinking about this and I thought over and over again about how greatly I'm not perfect.

That fictional character (had it been real), wouldn't have been perfect either.

She would have been a sinner just like the rest of us.

She would have made mistakes.

She would have gotten on his nerves and they would have argued and they would have fought.

Given him enough time, even if he thought she was perfect in the beginning, he would not think she was perfect in the end.

But that all being said,

I thought about how that's where true love actually begins.

It's when you realize that person is not perfect but full of imperfections and flaws and mistakes but you love them just the same.

You love that person through the imperfections.

And that, I believe is even more romantic.

Think about how easy it'd be to love a perfect person.

If I was in her shoes and I was told I was perfect while I was imperfect, 

I don't think I would like it very much.

For I know I'm not perfect and it'd be a lie.

I think I'd rather have my imperfections acknowledged and I'd much rather be loved in spite of them and through them than to be told the lie that I am perfect when I know I am most certainly not.

In conclusion,

I think I need to stay away from these type of sappy movies.

Why I Don't Wear Bikini's

To start off this blog post, I'm going to put out this disclaimer:

If you are a bikini wearer, this post is not meant to make you feel guilt or shame and it's not a post about me judging you if you wear one.

This post is written to explain myself and share my story and my reasons why I don't wear them.

I feel like I may step on some people's toes in writing this, but my purpose is to enlighten and not admonish. I hope I portray that correctly in my writing. 

That all being said, I love you guys, and here I go...

"Why don't you wear a bikini? If I was as skinny as you, I'd be showing off my body."

"You've got a good beach body; you should feel confident enough to wear a bikini."

These are things I hear from people. These are statements I get from them on the subject of what I wear to the beach or when I go swimming. So, I thought I'd address these statements and I thought I would address them to those who may be thinking them but not asking them.

Have I ever felt tempted to wear a bikini?

Yes.

A lot of the time actually.

I've seen the way guys react to girls wearing bikinis.

I've seen attractive guys give the glances of admiration and approval.

I've noticed that the girls who post pictures of themselves in bikinis get a significantly higher amount of likes on Instagram versus the girls who just post pictures of sunsets, or pictures of them making goofy faces with friends.

Is it tempting to do the same?

Yes.

Those exact mentioned statements are reasons why I don't.

I am just as beautiful of a girl when I don't wear a bikini and when I wear a swimsuit covering a larger portion of my body.

I don't need to show it off.

If I showed off more of my body, I know the sole purpose would be to get that attention and get those extra likes.

But the thing is that I know I don't need them.

For I am confident in who I am in Christ and that's only kind of confidence I really need.

In fact, if my attention is focused on getting guy's attention and approval, it ultimately makes me less confident and it takes my focus off of the one who matters most in my life.

As well as this, it also turns my attention to my outward appearance in which won't ever stay the same as it is now and it's not what I want a guy to notice me for.

I want a guy to notice me for who I am on the inside.

We're going to get old, people.

We're going to get gray hairs.

We're going to get wrinkles.

It won't be pretty.

Beauty is fleeting.

The inside is what counts.

But, what kind of statement would I be making when I wear a bikini to show off my body?

I'd be saying the exact opposite and beckoning guys to look at what's on the outside first.

I'd be beckoning girls to compare their bodies to mine.

I'd be setting an example for other girls to disregard their inward appearance and focus on the outward.

So, yes, I am tempted quite often to wear one and show off my body and get the attention plenty of other girls seem to get and I don't when I go to the beach.

I'm tempted when I see all the likes they get on their Instagram pictures at the beach.

I am tempted.

But, I disregard it every time because I am not trying to please myself but please Christ and bring glory to Him.

I know if I did otherwise, it would not bring Him glory for my attention would be focused on all the wrong things and not focused on Him or bringing glory to Him.

And in the end, I think I'd be giving myself this fake confidence that I'm only worth something when I get that kind of attention. I know I wouldn't always attract the type of guys I want to attract either;

The guys that do look at the heart and not just the body.

I hope this post didn't come across as judgmental, but explained my struggle and gave the answers to the questions I've gotten and will probably continue to get. I almost didn't write this for fear of the flack I might get in doing so, but I felt like it was worth sharing nonetheless for this is my story and my reasons and I felt like maybe some people feel the same way and needed to be encouraged as well.

The goodness of the Lord and the power of prayer

So, I sorta had a rough spot this week.

But, all in all, this week was amazing.

In small ways and large ways.

However, the large way was through the power of prayer.

I had a couple of prayer requests that were really weighing on my heart and I prayed for them earnestly and daily and they were answered this week.

And I just love seeing that.

Crazily, I also watched a sermon this past Thursday night that was about prayer.

But, there are no coincidences with God.

After the lesson on prayer, that very evening, I found out that one of my specific prayer requests for something that was happening on Wednesday, came true.

God is just so good, friends, so good.

Other small blessings:

I had an amazing Thursday starting off with meeting a couple of mine that I'm friends with and discussing details of their wedding that I got hired to photograph. Then my friend Heidi came over in which we went to young adult group, won some trivia, listened to an amazing lesson, got Chinese food, and came home and watched a movie. Next morning we awoke early to get some free coffee/tea drinks at a local coffee shop and decided to be adventurous by renting a jet ski for an hour and had an absolute amazing time in which we didn't even fall off. We ended our adventure with some Einstein bagels and coffee before we departed. Then to finish off my amazing Friday, we handed out fliers for a church program that some people and I help out with once a month and practiced a skit for the program. Today we had the program and even though there were small bumps in it, it was a huge blessing and a lot went well too. It was just a good day and a good week and God's been working on my outlook and working in my heart and He's so good, friends. So good.

Praise Him for the things He has done and the things He continues to do and pray boldly.

Where do I fit in?

I wish I fit in like a dog at the dog park but I am becoming more and more aware that I just don't.

I went for pie and coffee with a group of friends from my church and as I sat in my seat, although I didn't despise my time there, I began to realize how much I don't fit in with their group.

I was there and listening and adding in comments here and there.

But, the more I listened, the more I heard whispers shared between certain people and comments referring to some previous joke that I knew nothing of and there was even an incident that everyone referred to and was told/knew about.

That is, except for me.

I've known these people since I was 16.

But, I guess that doesn't mean I know them.

There were a couple of faces there whom I trust and do know me.

But, for the majority, we're just not on the same page.

They don't feel like sharing things with me.

I don't feel comfortable sharing things with them about me.

I don't like to be laughed at.

And sometimes I like to think that we're all friends and we can all have open conversations over a cup of coffee and a slice of pie but the more I reflect upon things, I think that perhaps it won't ever be that way.

I feel like I have nothing to contribute to their conversations that will seem of importance.

And I don't want to feel like that.

So, I don't suppose I fit in.

I'll sit there and be there, but I know I'm not truly there.

I don't know how to change that.

All I can say is; where do I fit in?

'Cause I'm having a hard time finding that out.

We wore the same sweaters and it felt snug

There's not a better feeling that finding out someone has felt the same way you feel.

That moment when your loneliness fades away like the sun melting into the nighttime sky.

When your problems suddenly seem to fall like the dead leaves now upon the ground.

Because, that's all you wanted.

Someone to be beside you.

Someone to relate to.

Someone who understands you.

Someone to feel how you feel.

Anxiety

A chokehold,

A 100 pound weight on my chest,

A sudden waterfall pressing on my eyes begging to drip down,

A creeping sensation crawling up and down my spine,

A whisper who has a deafening shout that only I can hear,

A prison.

Why are you there?

No one invited you.

And yet you walk around the room so confident like you own me.

You don't.

My savior Jesus Christ has set me free from you.

So, stop acting like you are a welcomed guest inside of me.

You're not welcomed.

I don't believe your lies.

So, the question remains...

Why are you here?

Bloom, bloom, bloom.

"All I wanted was a reassuring handshake and smile", she said.

But alas, there were no hands to shake and no smiles to give.

For the life she lived was a life of solitude and that is a life spent with a grave face and a dying heart.

It needed to be watered and it needed to bloom but it was left in a room without sunlight and that kept her heart from growing.

Maybe a heart can survive for a day or two without light, but it cannot live forever in darkness and it certainly cannot thrive.

So, dying heart and shaded sunflower, step into the light and shake the hands reaching out to you so ready to embrace and to hold you close with a million of smiles rooted and growing in an everlasting ray of joy.

Bloom.

Bloom.

Bloom.