Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
I tell the month.
But, alas, it is not quite yet here.
I try to make my words reach its ears.
But there is a day or two in between us/
like a wall/
It'll be here soon.
September will come.
And I will be here.
Because that is what I do for people, for things, for what I love.
I whisper back.
I hold on.
I hear your whispers because I listen.
I am calling to you back,
though I know you can't hear me.
Don't worry, friend.
Because I am here.
And we'll see each other soon.
Then it hit me...
Am I waiting for September?
Or am I waiting for you?
Yellow sweeps over me like a daze and the streets bustle with voices of confusion and the bed I sleep in feels like eggs cracked and scrambled and he looks like a page from a book and it's okay because I like reading but every book has an ending and I don't always like the endings.
September, however, is a beginning and you could be too.
The wait smells like grace,
I'll bask in that like I bask in the sunshine I am breathing in.
September, come soon, love.
Friday, August 26, 2016
I kinda experience anxiety sometimes.
Certain times in my life when I am with a group of people, I just feel uncomfortable and like whatever I say won't be good enough or funny enough.
I know life's not about that and I don't know why I feel like that but I do at times.
Tonight I experienced that. But when I came home, I strung up some lights and lit a pumpkin spice candle and my dog snuggled up next me and I played some Christmas music and you know what? I feel okay again.
I don't know why I feel the pressure or need to fit in when I'm with people but sometimes I feel like that.
I don't know.
I guess maybe it's part of my introverted side. It's not that I don't like people because I do. But sometimes I feel like I am not wanted or like I need to worry or overthink about what I say or I will be judged and it's just nice sometimes to come home and be with yourself for a bit (with my dog though) and know the pressure is off. You can be you and you are okay with you. I can make snarky comments in my head and appreciate my own humor. I am not trying to impress anybody. I'm just enjoying music and my favorite scent and everything is okay by me.
Anyways, I don't know why I shared this but I did.
Anybody else ready for the holidays?
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
So, my brain has kind of still been all over the place.
I'm still feeling a bit sick.
And a lot exhausted.
That probably also is due to working with young kiddos all day.
But it's worth it.
Because those kids need people and they need some lovin' and each smile and hug makes it worth it.
I could go really deep but I'm not going to.
Instead I'm going to give you a bit of randomness and maybe you'll smile or be weirded out or whatever.
So here's some gangsta piggies.
They're so G man.
Here we have a hedgehog named Tabasco celebrating his first birthday ever.
Happiest of birthdays Tabasco!
I salute you.
(truth is, I don't know if his name is tabasco or his age... I kinda made it up but shhhh! it's a secret)
This is my dog wearing reindeer antlers at Christmas time and looking really worried for some reason.
Maybe somebody dropped an ice cube.
He sure does love ice cubes.
(I'm not making that up)
Also, his name is Frosty.
he's not a snowman.
He's a dog.
Who knew that apricots and kumquats marry each other?
That is until I saw this post.
But I'm all for it.
They're pretty cute together.
Also, how'd they get rich enough to own a yacht?
But, whatever, I ship it. (heehee)
Ladies and gentlemen,
I saved the best for last.
I bet you didn't see this one coming.
If you ever wondered what Quasimodo and Esmeralda would look like if their faces were swapped, well you don't have to wonder anymore.
I know I have scarred some of you... so, well, I'm sorry.
But not sorry.
Yes, it may be slightly terrifying but it's also slightly hilarious and too good to not share.
Well, we've reached the end of all the randomness.
Besides the picture of my dog, all other photos were found on the internet.
Yes, the internet is an interesting place.
All sorts of hidden gems out there waiting to be discovered.
And now I must go so bid me farewell and hope I get some sleep and feel better because I need it badly.
Maybe when my brain recovers you will be able to receive normal blog posts once again.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
So, I've been sick this weekend and I've had a lot of thinking time because I feel like that's what you do when you're sick. Besides sleeping and watching tv, you think and if you're me, you think a lot.
Overthinking gets me into trouble sometimes but merely thinking isn't actually a bad thing.
Sometimes we need to take time to pause and reflect upon life and that's what I did.
I brought out memories from my past and it's weird to do so because some things are so different from what they used to be. But it's not necessarily bad. I like where I am in life now. For awhile, it was a bit confusing adjusting to not school life but I am working now and my best friend is working too but we still have days where we can just get together and I can go to bible study at my church and participate in our local ministry and although I miss my time at college, I am happy to be here and do things I missed out on when being at college. I've found my place once again.
I think, like good 'ole Ecclesiastes states; "There is a time for everything."
What's confusing is just when we're stuck trying to figure out what our time is for and what we're meant to be doing in the time given to us.
My time as a student may be over but I'm actually glad to be able to spend my time right now pouring into the lives of children who desperately need love.
I'm glad to be able to do things, even if they're small, like going to our church's ladies retreat or Hallelujah festival that I wasn't able to do when I was away at school.
And who knows what the future will hold?
I won't be working at the preschool forever and my best friend and I maybe won't have as much time as we do now to hang out like we get to do.
I can't see this right now but a large portion of my friends are getting engaged and married and moving and someday that might be me.
I might be whisked off one day to another state and live a whole new chapter of life and miss the small things that I am experiencing now.
It's just change happens all the time.
I had this phrase a few years back that I keep in my head and it's "changes change too".
Because, you see, I used to dread change because change can be bad or scary.
But even if some changes are bad or scary or not the changes you had hoped for, they change too.
For the worse or for the better, those changes will one day change so get what you can out of it now.
Appreciate it and cherish those moments.
And hang on tight, because it will change again.
One day you might be 16 going to highschool and dreading algebra and going to football games in the Fall and the next you might be 22 and have graduated college and working at a preschool and stepping out into the world bright eyed and hopeful and the next blink of an eye you might be in your 30's with a kid or two and a husband by your side helping you figure out how to raise those munchkins.
This world is temporary.
I'm not who I was at 16.
When I'm in my 30's I'm most likely not going to be who I am right now at 22.
So, hold tight.
Dye your hair red even if it's scary to change your hair color because hair grows out.
And you can cut hair.
And red hair matches Fall.
And you're young.
It's okay to change.
I've quoted Perks of Being a Wallflower before and I'll probably do it again.
Because as much as that movie/book has some things I disagree with in there,
a lot of these quotes I agree with.
Because it touches on the fragile thing that is life.
It touches on memories and stories and making things count.
And I think that's something we need to recognize and appreciate.
And I know a lot of people don't.
But this life,
this fragile and frail life,
it's something we need to appreciate because it's not always as long as we think it might be.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
I think love is something I'll always constantly be trying to figure it out.
It's a fuzzy topic to me.
I know I sincerely thought I had been in love with some people at certain times in my life.
I believe you can love people without being in love with them.
Sadly, I think that's what has happened to me in the past.
I thought I was in love but I just loved them.
Loving people isn't bad, but I don't think it should be confused with being in love.
That's when heartache occurs most often; I believe.
I have thoughts and ideas about it.
I've seen people fall into love and some people fall out of love "so to speak".
But falling out of love confuses me.
When people fall out of love, it makes me wonder if they were ever truly IN love.
Or if they just loved each other.
Because I think part of falling in love with someone is realizing that there will be troubles and turmoil and arguments and rough patches and hanging in there through it all anyways because that's what love is.
Love doesn't give up.
So if love isn't giving up, how do you fall out of love?
How do you fall out of something that doesn't give up?
Love is the long haul and the trying again and again and the compromises and not just romantic words and easy paths and perfect relationships.
At least that's not what I believe.
But my other puzzling thoughts and wonder is why we don't love certain people and why we love others.
Or, are at least attracted to others.
Because I don't think I've ever been in love.
But I have thought about why I don't love certain people in a romantic way even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with them.
I guess there are some things I think should happen in my book to make a relationship work.
I think one should be truly and equally passionate about what the other is passionate about.
If someone's life is built around a passion you don't certainly like, I think the person deserves someone who does have the same passion and can appreciate it and love it.
For me, I believe we have to have the same humor.
To get each other on a deeper level, to joke around and have fun, we have to have the same humor and to just understand each other.
We have to be able to compliment each other.
Not in the; "Oh you look pretty tonight" kind of way.
No, but more in the "Come to this party with me tonight and tomorrow we can stay in and watch movies" type of way.
Where we both get each other.
We have different personalities but we make compromises and we compliment each other.
I have to feel comfortable.
If I don't feel comfortable, then I don't see how a relationship would work.
We need to click.
Above all else, we need to have a relationship built on Christ.
I need you to love Christ more than me.
I need you to seek Him constantly and help me in my walk with Him as I will try to help you.
We need to point each other back to Christ.
But I need you to be the leader too.
I need you to lead me.
But really, I do believe in chemistry.
I believe in matching souls.
I believe in having a relationship that clicks.
I think that may be partially why I am single and waiting.
I am waiting for someone who's soul and humor and personality clicks with mine.
Who's standards are the same as mine.
Who loves God as much as me.
There are great Christian guys out there, there are.
But just because someone is a great Christian guy, it doesn't mean he's the one for you.
There is nothing wrong with having a great Godly guy friend.
I'm thankful to have some.
But that doesn't mean we click.
It doesn't mean we have chemistry.
Or same senses of humor.
It doesn't mean we're comfortable.
It doesn't mean we have similar passions.
So, I am waiting.
Because I believe there is someone out there who does.
I'm just waiting for the click.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
I know Christmasy doesn't go really hand in hand with August...
Yesterday was a really good day and part of it seemed Christmasy to me.
The first part of the day was ministry day and honestly, I can't express how much I love this ministry. Sometimes people paint ministry to be something that it is burdensome and time consuming and not all that rewarding.
But I feel the complete opposite.
I mean, yes, it takes time and work but I love putting my time into it because it's not burdensome but rewarding.
The kids we minister to are just so great and their need for Christ is just so great and seeing Christ work through us is just so great.
I love it.
So, that part was hot and sweaty and tiring but fun and amazing and worth it.
The second part of the day included the ministry workers deciding to go to Dunkin Donuts to cool down and fuel up on iced coffee and that was just a really good time talking about what happened during our program but also just goofing off and fellowshipping. And, as I mentioned, coffee.
Then one of our friends stayed over a bit and we played games and she braided my hair and then we went to a coffeehouse type thing where we got more coffee and I sipped on a latte and sat with friends laughing and talking in a cool brick and cutely lighted and cozy building where this really talented and totally adorable couple named Shane and Emily played music.
They're seriously good though.
And seriously adorable.
You should listen to their music (can be found on Spotify or youtube or their website) and follow them on Instagram and if you want to be jealous you should look at their totally adorable ikea photoshoot here; http://junebugweddings.com/wedding-blog/these-ikea-engagement-photos-are-as-sweet-as-they-are-unique/
Last night they also played a tribute to the Beatles and I love the Beatles and it was perfect and also they do covers of my favorite songs even though they don't know they're my favorite songs. They just have good taste in music. And also their songs they write and make up are perfect and their voices are perfect and now I'm done ranting about them so you should just go and listen and see what I'm talking about for yourself.
But anyways, that coffee shop and the lights and the warm feeling inside felt like Christmas and Shane and Emily played a little bit of Christmas music too so it was a bit of a Christmasy August day.
And even though I'm a writer, I'm lacking words to describe that day well.
Anyways, the first two pictures are from pinterest (yay pinterest!) and the last one is from the wonderful internet.
So, yay Christmas ( who's ready? I am! )
yay cute coffee shops!
yay cute couples who are also extremely talented musicians!
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Okay, so working at a preschool again and working in a ministry that involves kids,
it just makes me really appreciate them.
I think one reason is just because they are completely honest.
I think it's harder for adults to be honest because they have so much they don't want others to know and they also try to adapt so that people will like them better.
Kids are unfiltered and honest but I like that.
Another reason is that kids are 1. so loving and 2. aren't afraid of showing that they want love back
If they want to be held or comforted, a lot of times they'll go up to you and extend their arms and even if they can't talk, you know what they are asking for.
They want to be loved so they give you a sign that they want to be loved.
I really love knowing how to love these kids and showing them that I love them and in return, I feel loved by them too.
I feel like teenagers and adults want to be loved too but it's harder for them to express it. It's probably because they have been hurt or haven't been loved like they should of. So, they don't ask and they close their self off and even if you want to show them that you care about them and love them, sometimes it is harder to because they won't let you.
It's not as easy as holding them or hugging them when they extend their arms out to you because more often than not, they won't extend their arms.
They will try to be tough and strong.
Even though wanting love is not a weakness.
Just something I've been thinking about.
Don't get me wrong, I love teenagers and adults too, but it's harder to have them let you love them and it's harder for them to be unapologetically honest and themselves and I don't always know how to break their walls.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
I've seen a lot of posts on pinterest with quotes or things that go with certain personality types and it kind of inspired this post.
You see, I found out awhile ago that I am an INFJ personality type.
Now, not everything that is written or geared towards INFJ's fit me to a T but most of it does.
As an INFJ, we're often a misunderstood type so I kinda thought that maybe I should share some things about my personality not only to enlighten some, but maybe encourage others who feel the same way, and lastly, to encourage you to take this Myer's Briggs personality test if you don't know what type you are and see if it fits you well too.
Alrighty, let's dive into my life.
So, first of all, I want to say that I do believe I am an extroverted introvert.
I can be very loud, chatty, hyper, and outgoing when I am a. with the right people and b. (this kinda goes with the first one but it can sometimes be different) I feel comfortable or c. I just feel that way randomly.
But, if I am in a situation where I don't feel comfortable and maybe I feel new or feel like people don't like me or are judging me, I can gear more to my introverted and quiet side. I want to adjust to the new place or I want to get away from the situation if I feel uncomfortable.
But sometimes, I really like getting to know new people. I do like people. That is something about me. But it may be too overwhelming if I am meeting a bunch of new people at once. Other side notes, if I am with someone I am comfortable with when I am meeting new people ( no matter how large the group is), I will probably be totally okay.
There are days where I might feel social anxiety and just want to stay inside but there are also days where I will be totally bored out of my mind and crave social interaction of any kind.
I like staying in and eating pizza and watching tv shows/ playing games but I also like going outdoors and seeking out adventures of all sorts.
I don't know if this is an INFJ thing or a me thing but I have many things that I love and the things I love I am VERY passionate about but it can be frustrating because I can't do all of them at once and I don't know which thing to go after.
I think some people may consider this a bad thing and it may be off putting to readers but I do "judge" people so to speak when I meet them. But I would like to consider it more as "reading" them. Because what I do is basically read their personality and try to figure them out. I have been wrong before, but this is why I don't really like to use the word "judge". Because I never treat the people I've been wrong about badly or dislike them, I just find out later I am wrong. Basically, I am assessing whether I can be myself around them or not. I am assessing whether I feel comfortable being weird or goofy or whether they like me or not. If I feel like they don't like me or they aren't the type I can get to know on a deeper level, I do hold back and I don't let them have access to my whole self because I am guarded to some degree. I don't trust everybody. But I love it when people prove me wrong because I love getting to know people and connecting with them and going deeper. If I can't "read" someone, it does make me feel uncomfortable and I am usually more quiet with them.
Sometimes, I do listen more than talk because I feel like listening is more important sometimes (depending on the situation) or if I don't have something worth sharing, then I don't need to talk just to talk.
However, as I've said before, I can totally let loose and have fun and be loud and crazy. Or if I find one area or subject that someone connects with me upon, then I can talk to them for hours.
It's all about balance with me.
If someone sees one side of me,
I think they get me wrong.
That's where I think INFJ's are often misunderstood.
Also, there's usually a lot of thoughts roaming around in our heads at once.
But I love writing because that's where I get to organize and let them all out.
That's where I can be deep and honest and people either listen or they don't.
They don't have to and they can disagree or judge me for what I write but I am not there to see it.
Writing doesn't make me feel insecure, but some people do.
I like people to show me how to do things rather than me just figuring them out because I get stressed out thinking that I might not be able to do them.
However, if no one does and no one in a group claims leadership, I actually don't mind taking leadership because I do like to get things done and do them right.
I am slightly messy but it's an organized mess.
I can get taken advantaged of sometimes because I am always there for people and I like to help people and some people see this as a weakness but I don't. If someone crosses the line, I tell them. But, if I can help someone even if they are using me, I think that can make a difference anyways in their life.
I like to help people and sometimes that can destroy me because I know I can't help everyone and they have to try to help their selves first.
I am a peacemaker so to speak. I hate conflict. A lot.
I try to make people happy and try to make people laugh.
I stand really strong for the things I believe in and I will speak up about those things.
I hate to fail although it's necessary and happens to everyone.
I am hard on myself when that happens.
I am a hard worker and I am creative.
I am a realist and a dreamer.
I saw a quote about INFJ's once saying that they are a "walking contradiction" and I kinda believe that's true.
We're complicated human beings and I think that's what is hard for us.
But, if you aren't an INFJ, I hope this helped you understand us a bit.
I don't know if it did or not,
but I sure hope so.
That's me in a nutshell, although I could go on.
Once you're my friend, you can be my friend for life but you have to show some effort that you want to be.
If you do that, you will get to know me better and better along the way of our friendship.
You will keep unlocking layers as you go.
Do you know your personality type?
If so, comment below and feel free to share some of your personality traits!
Saturday, August 6, 2016
The leaves have turned red and brown and bright orange.
The air smells crisp and my sweater hugs me.
Coffee is my second best friend and you are my first.
I see pumpkins in grocery stores and we listen to "Autumn Leaves" by Ed Sheeran because it is arguably the best Fall song there is.
I light my pumpkin candles at night and bask in the smell and comfort of our home.
Fall had always had some good memories through the years but it also had memories of people leaving me.
I thought it was interesting because in Fall the leaves fall off and leave too.
And they die.
Sometimes in the past, my spirit died with Fall too.
Sometimes my heart felt colder when the air got colder too (though it's not often that it does in FL).
Fall can seem sad,
but overall I don't think Fall is sad.
I love so many things about Fall but there were times where I felt symbolic to what actually happens in Fall.
Now, Fall won't be too much longer away.
And my spirit is warmer just like how sweaters and boots and lit candles keep me warm.
And the colors in other states will be vibrant and that's how I hope to feel.
Vibrant with the joy of Christ.
Fall is just filled with so many things I love and I hope I feel it again.
I felt it the last couple of years,
and I want this year to feel the same.
I don't want to feel like I have in the past.
And one day, in the future, I can see you enjoying Fall with me,
hand in hand,
and heart and heart,
and no heart break like I had in the past when Fall came along.
Just you and me,
and the crisp Fall air and us enjoying the season.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
I'm ready for someone to take by my hand and take me by my heart also. I'm ready to not have my heart broken but know I always have someone on my side. I'm ready to share laughs, tears, hugs, food, and have breakfasts together out on the front porch sipping on coffee. I'm ready for a lifetime with someone by my side and to raise children together. I'm ready for the petty arguments because I know we'll get through them and make up and be okay. I'm ready for the better and for the worse. I know not all marriages end up in fairytales but I am ready to find the one my heart loves deeply and the one whom I'll trust though I rarely trust. I'm ready for the one who leads me to the Lord and walks in the footsteps of the Lord with me daily. One who encourages and builds and loves.
But; maybe he's not ready yet...
But it's okay,
I will wait for you (my darling) as long as I must wait.
As long as God wants us to wait.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
I just want you to remember that no matter what you've done in the past, it's not bigger than what God can forgive AND it doesn't define who you are and who you become. So, if you want to change, don't make excuses and don't say you never can. Because YOU can and if you really want to, then do it and do it now. Give it all to Christ; the one who bled and died for you so that you can be a brand new person. Give it all to Christ so your sins can be forgiven and so you can be white as snow. Everyone in this world has an option. A decision. They can pick how they live their life and they can pick where they will spend their afterlife. It's a choice. You choose. I just hope you choose the life that is really life and an eternity where there is no more death and no more tears and no more sin.
I hope you let the Savior save you because He wants to.
Because He loves you.
Because He forgives.
Because He heals.
Because He cares.
Because He saves.
But you do have a choice.
Monday, August 1, 2016
I've got a praise to give to God today.
After a Summer of waiting, and ironically (but probably not so ironically because it is God we are talking about) after my last post on waiting upon the Lord, I got a job position offered to me today.
Of course we should always shout His praises,
but this was something I was specifically praying about and seeking.
It's not anything huge or professional but it is a job which is something I need right now.
I'm kind of in limbo with my life right now transitioning from graduated and finding out what my career should be.
But in the meantime of figuring it out,
I'm so very thankful to have this job.
I'm working at a preschool and get to work each day consistently from 1:00 pm to 5:30 pm.
It's better hours than I've been able to get the last couple of times I worked there.
It's also a blessing I think because I am finding out more and more how much I actually love working with kids.
They bring me joy and I think I am good with kids.
I believe this is something I can use to bring God glory and it's something God has brought to me so I am thankful and I am singing of His praises.
He had told me to wait and when I waited upon Him,
He brought me through to the other side and showed up.
I am thankful.
I also might have a chance at working part time at a gym as a childcare worker as well.
That would else help give me more hours and more pay but also be working with kids as well.
I don't know for sure if I will get that job but I do know they are in need of a worker and I have filled out an application for it so we'll see.
But the Lord is faithful and good and His will will be done.